The Emptiness Is Taking Me.....

How many years have we waited
For a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
Chasing a love that was not our own?
I sat ashore and watched
As one hopeless wave crashed upon another
While my thoughts ran to the highest hills
My heart never reached the sea
With only delusions of an endless journey
I am left with an ocean between you and me

Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
Of someone else’s dream

The gate to my heart has been weld shut
With the splendor of my aspirations closed in
How many years have we waited
For a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
Chasing a love that was not our own?

Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
Of someone else’s dream
-An Ocean Between Us by As I Lay Dying

Ah, a truly depressing song to aid my truly depressed mood. So, I have been sad for the past few days. It started on Thanksgiving when we had to put one of our cats, Mia, down. It was sad and all but I'm pretty sure that's not the cause of my sadness. It was this way last year too. I'm not quite sure why I am so sad but I know it has to do with the Holidays and being (I bet you can guess it)... without Ryan. I know how dumb I must sound to most people, heck, I sound dumb to myself. I'm done justifying why it is that I feel this way because it doesn't really matter. The fact is i miss someone I love and still feel "The Great Sadness" of it. For the last 6 days I've felt a constant heaviness in my chest. You know, the feeling you get when your about to cry over something super sad. It feels as though I could break down sobbing at any moment. I know the snow didn't help my blues any, as Ryan and I enjoyed the winter time together. It's fun to remember the wonderful times we had in the snow, but still so painful.
So I'm thinking that I'm broken. Well, I know I am, but even that's ok. I'm reminded of something my pastors wife told me at a Bible study we had last year. At the time it was the first "Holiday Season" without Ryan and I was really sad. But a lot of the other women in the Bible study were having some things going on and there was this united feeling of brokenness among us. Kim said something along the lines of "Sometimes it's good to be broken. Even God himself was broken with grief for His son, Jesus. He was broken when Adam and Eve fell, and He is broken anytime a child of His leaves His side for something fleeting." It led me to the beautiful verse in Psalms 147:3 "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." Oh, how I long to be healed of this pain. But at the same time it brings so much joy that I was loved like Ryan loved me and that even through everything that went down, I can honestly say I do still love him. That doesn't mean I'm not sad, and very hurt, and VERY angry about everything that took place after he told me he was divorcing me. It's been a hard road and I know it will continue to be, but I'm pretty sure I have the right guide, the right protector and the right love carrying me through this. I truly wish everyone on this planet could feel the love I feel from Jesus. It is no doubt what I was made for. As TobyMac says:

I was made to love You
I was made to find You
I was made just for You
Made to adore You
I was made to love and be loved by You
You were here before me
You were waiting on me
And you said You’d keep me never would You leave me
I was made to love
And be loved by You

"God demonstrates His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8.

Love real people!
~Jennanana