When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."
There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
"Calmer Of the Storm" by Downhere
So, I've had a bad few days. Maybe being alone isn't the best thing lol. I really do enjoy the time I have to do whatever, playing my bass, my xbox, singing and dancing like a fool etc... But lately I can't stop thinking of the divorce. Not that I have ever stopped thinking about it but it seems to be on my mind a lot more. It's more than likely due to the fact that a friend of mine is about to get a divorce and another friend of mine is getting married and my little sister is getting married, a whole bunch of friends are pregnant... and here I am. In my hometown, in my mom's house. I'm tired of feeling stuck but at the same time I know I'm not stuck. Maybe physically and locationally I am stuck but, though I still miss my husband and wish we could have worked our way through our issues instead of giving up, I have moved on with my life as I have had to to survive. You know? The song posted above was brought up by someone the other day and I had to chuckle because it reminded me of a beautiful letter Ryan had written me when we were dating. Then started the chain effect and all these little cute things that he said starts popping into my mind, I sooo wish there were a button to turn of this flood of emotion that is a result of these memories. But there isn't and even if there were I don't think i would use it. I think it's so weird when people tell me not to "look back" and stuff. Short of amnesia, how am I supposed to forget something, someone that changed my life forever? Why am I expected to go on forever thinking he's not "good enough" for me when I gave him my vows on June 26th, 2005? If i could "get over" someone so quickly why would I have married him in the first place? It's an asinine assumption, but it is 2009 and I supposed I should not be surprised...
Anyway. In the midst of all this sorrow I am soooooo very delighted that I can smile and feel the joy of Jesus. Seriously, I'm not even just saying that b/c I am a Christian. Sometimes the joy is almost overwhelming, hence my random "I like Jesus" or "I love Jesus" outbursts (and you all thought I was just trying to get attention lol). It's sad that it took losing the "earthly" (sorry for the cliche) love of my life to become so much closer with the TRUE "eternal" love of my life. *sigh*
Night everyone!
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Love,
~Jennanana
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