This Isn't Happening?...

It's been a tough week. This set of classes i'm taking is coming to an end. Dad had surgery today. Got in a substantial fight with John and haven't talked to him in what feels like weeeeeks, even though it's only been a few days. And tomorrow, just to top things off, is my last day at a job I have loved to hate and hated to love for the last 4 years... which just happen to be the most turbulent 4 years of my existence. I can't help but think I'm leaving a little piece of me behind at the pediatrics office. I know it wasn't really my job that has gotten me where I am today but because I started there when my husband was divorcing me I am beginning to remember all those terrible feelings and I fear I am mixing them up with the "normal" new job jitters. I am actually feeling quite terrified of starting a new job because of what was going on when I started at CM Peds. I guess that means I'm still healing. Isn't that ridiculous?!? It angers me so much to know I am STILL feeling the affects of a selfish decision made by the man who vowed to love and protect me always. It's been years since I have had dreams about this man and this week has been littered with them. I wake up feeling my emo alter ego fighting for it's reign in my wardrobe again. I guess it doesn't help that John and I aren't getting along very well right now either.
I really don't think I'm afraid of change I just think the last time there was THIS MUCH change I was learning how to live again apart from my other half. Those of you who have been divorced know what I mean. It's so unnatural to have to learn how to exist apart from someone with whom you were one. And here I am FOUR FREEKING YEARS LATER having a cry fest over it all.

On a not so selfish wah wah it's all about me note... Dad's surgery was a success so far. For those that do not know he had to have his leg below the knee amputated due to circulation issues. The surgery was scheduled a week ago and was postponed twice so that has been a stress. Thanks to all who have been praying! I haven't seen him yet as he is still heavily medicated but will be seeing him tomorrow.

Back to my previous blog... I really have got to learn to trust God with all this. It's just so hard to dismiss emotions as being utterly ridiculous... even if they are.

But tonight I will sooth myself with Brandon Rike's emo lyrics and music from his band Dead Poetic's 2nd release New Medicines the song Hostages...

"Ten frozen memories lost into your pool of interrupted thought.
I could have reminisced for hours.
But right now you are all I get to remember.
I'm waiting for something to get through to you.
I'm waiting to see a truer side of you, and we're...

Let's make this quick. I'll bother you, you'll tear it away.

Cut broken enemies off, into your pit of non-valuable losses.
Could have stayed and dreamt for days,
But the sight must be far worse than the taste.
And I'm waiting for something to get through to you.
And I'm waiting to burn compassion into you. and we're..

We don't even know if we're to blame for all of this,
We don't even know if we're in the clear, the clear.
We don't even know if we should bank on any of this
And we don't even know if we'll go,

So let's make this quick. I'll bother you, you'll tear it away.

This isn't happening, leave me with myself."

OK... Maybe it's a little TOO emo for tonight.. but it is a GREAT song.
Did a devotional this morn and I think it really helped me get through the day. I'm excited about finally understanding what the "Daily Bread" magazine thing is great little devotionals!
Anywho. Night.
~Jenna