… still? It seems odd to me that something seems odd and not odd to me. I have this struggle that, if i close my eyes I can actually picture in tangible ways. It looks something like this…
One train is the truth, and one train is the lie. This week, after unpacking most of my boxes (I just moved, if you haven't heard) I realized I couldn't find a box that held my silverware set. After searching and asking the people who helped me pack and move I concluded that one drawer in my old apartment didn't get emptied. I called over there to see if someone would go look but I was informed that the apartment had already been cleaned and everything left was trashed. My initial reaction was that my heart sunk because that silverware set was a gift I received 9 years ago… at my bridal shower. My reaction took me off guard because I'm not really interested in keeping things because they have history in my failed marriage. So I've really begun trying to figure out why I had such reaction. On top of this silverware issue, word has spread to me that my ex-husband and his new wife are expecting a child. Again, I experienced the knee-jerk reaction of absolute despair. Despair that lasted a total of 30 seconds before I was sweetly reminded by God's graciousness that I don't actually feel despair, but rather, indifference, which to me is an awesome thing. But my initial reactions to these things still bothered me and seemed worth looking in to. What I've discovered is embodied in that train crash. Truth vs lies. Christian worldview vs the culture of the world today. I don't watch a ton of movies or tv but in the amount that I do watch I see the type of scenario play out where a married couple gets a divorce and the chick finds out at some point that the dude is getting re-married or having a baby, or better yet, both, and effects this chick in crazy ways. Then the rest of the movie or show highlight her frantic journey to "get her life together," usually portrayed as finding a new man and/or having a baby. When hearing about the ex's marriage (years ago) and even now with news of a baby my initial thoughts were: 1. of jealousy because he "got" to move on and has his life all together. And 2. of anxiety because I don't have my life together by today's standards. The thing I want to point out is that tv, movies, and culture don't focus on the important thing here, the actual divorce. The severing of oneness. so, the trains represent the truth, it's ok to be broken and morn the offense against God and against us and the opposing view that i'm 28 years old and need to get my life in order with a man, and a child.
So that sounded pretty feministic, right? I'm DEFINITELY NOT saying "women don't NEED men and children to be successful or have it together," well, I guess I AM saying that but not in the same way. What I mean is that it's ok to be broken, even 7 and a half years later. Marriage is a supernatural thing, it's amazing, and it's severance should not be taken lightly. In the years since my divorce I've been in one relationship, which is one relationship too many. I don't mean to say I don't think I'll ever be in another, but that time, these last 7.5 years, have been meant for mourning, healing, and being romanced by the everlasting God who never ceases to amaze me in revealing new areas where I struggle with hang-ups.
I feel like I bounced all over the place with this to get my point across but I feel the need to reiterate, I'm not still "hung-up" on my ex, but rather I still mourn the offense of the divorce even if it was not something I wanted or initiated or supported. This is not a blog looking for sympathetic responses, it's a small glimpse into my crazy brain in hopes that it speaks to someone who may be going through or has just gone through the tragedy of divorce.
Remember where your strength comes from and abide in Him,
~Jennanana
PS- I have no idea if anyone actually reads this but in the off chance this finds its way to someone experiencing divorce in their life I strongly support and suggest trying to find a DivorceCare group to join. It was so helpful for me in the first couple of years and I'm even thinking about going through the program again (i skipped out on the dating and remarriage sessions, soooo wasn't ready to even think or talk about that stuff). The website is in the name above and you can search for a group near you.
I get what you are saying, well done as always. I sometimes look back at my life and ponder the ways that my sin and living in a fallen world has affected where I am at at this point in my life. But I try to not live with regret or "what ifs". Because I realize that God get us to the place he wants us to be in spite of us. And that's the beauty of his grace and love. Also, from what I know about you, you do seem pretty put together. At least I've been impressed with your journey and your uncompromising search for holiness in your life. It has been both humbling and inspiring to me in comparison to where I'm at sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling most people who truly seek to know the Father can and will always feel that way at times because in knowing Him better we gain His view and find more and more things that need to be dealt with and cut out of our lives as become a better likeness of Him. I'm glad you have found inspiration in my story, it's always a blessing to hear when the Father uses my failures, and re-do's to speak in someone else's life! He is too good!
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