Something Beautiful

I was listening to Something Beautiful by Jars of Clay this morning and there are a couple lines in that song that have been a constant prayer of mine, one in particular I’ve prayed over the last 8 years fervently, “Will You untie this loss of mine, that easily defines me, do you see it on my face that all I can think about is how long I’ve been waiting to feel You move me.”

I’ve spent many years allowing my loss define me. I’d say the first 3-6 years I really let it define me. The last 2-3 years or so it’s been gradually less and less. I feel as though I need to define the term “loss,” because I don’t really mean the loss of my ex-husband, even though in the beginning of this I did. It became incredibly apprerent early on that this was a gift, a provision of God that I have no doubt grieved Him much more than it grieved me, but He showed His great sovereignty and provision in not changing the heart of my ex-husband in his decision to divorce me. So I really define this loss as the loss of a marriage, not the loss of my ex. Marriage is such a beautiful thing that when the covenant is broken there should be grief in that. I'm not saying that one shouldn't ALSO grieve the loss of the other person too, I'm just saying I don't anymore. After the initial shock of the fact I was losing the person I had planned, and vowed to spend the rest of my life with, the realization that I was going to be a divorced woman crept in. For years I lived as if I were Hester Prynne, the wearer of the scarlet letter, but instead of wearing an "A" I wore a crimson "D". Maybe it sounds dumb to some of you, but I assure you, this is something every divorced woman struggles with, at least at first. Maybe I shouldn't say EVERY divorced woman, but every one that I have spoken with about this over the years. It's bad enough on its own but when you add Christian to the mix, it feels, sounds and looks even worse. Anyway, I let this sink into my heart for a while. I embraced the sad places this took me to, and I welcomed the segregation this, my new defining line, caused. No one understood me, no one could comprehend what I was going through. So I became a bit of a recluse for a while which I think was partly a good thing. I was able to spend a lot of time in the Word and in prayer, in communion with the One who was literally keeping me alive throughout all of the pain. I remember the first time after the divorce that I heard this Jars of Clay song. I was out on a run, singing along, when the line I had just song hit me. "Will You untie this loss of mine, that easily defines me." I cried the rest of the run back home and this was my prayer constantly for the last 8 years.
Fast forward… Today I listened to this song, as I mentioned, and I realized the beautiful place I am at. I no longer feel defined by my loss. I no longer feel as though I'm walking around with a red "D" on my forehead, looking down. What I do feel is strange to some, and seems strange to explain but I'm going to give it a shot. For those who actually know me you may be thinking, "but, she talks about her divorce ALL the time." Yes, this is true… in fact I had someone just the other day tell me that I really should be more secretive about my divorce or I will probably end up alone because it will scare off every guy that comes my way. I get where there may be some confusion with me saying it no longer defines me but then I continue to talk about it. Though I do not feel I wear the "D" on my forehead any longer, I do wear it as a mourning band. You see, my divorce broke me and took me to a place of absolute degradation where I literally could do nothing for myself, all I could do was cry out to God. It was in this low place where God whispered "Ahh, I can work with this." It was in my utter weakness, when I had to trust in God's provision that He was able to come in and take over. It was in this place where God turned the horror that is divorce, into something that could be used to glorify Him. The intimacy with Him that has been cultivated in my life is priceless, and I can honestly say I don't think I would have ever found that, had I not come to the end of myself and given up fully.
I need to be clear on a few things. This, in no way, is a blog that advocates for divorce. Nor is it one that will ever say God endorses divorce, or created my divorce. God is not ambiguous in His definition of marriage, or His feelings toward divorce. They go hand in hand. He created marriage to be a lifelong union, a joining of two. This was His design. When that union is broken He is grieved. It's the loss of a life. The two people must now figure out who they are again, while missing half of themselves. The beautiful thing that I have experienced is my missing half has been obliterated by the presence of the Almighty God. It makes me wonder where I was at spiritually before I got married and how was there room for my ex if God was filling me like He does now. Maybe I wasn't where I thought I was at pre-marriage, whatever the case, I love being so full with His love now. I love seeing Him use the tragedy that I thought would destroy me and turning it into something beautiful that helps others and glorifies His holy name! It's nothing short of miraculous. It's nothing short of answered prayers that were uttered, pleaded, and sobbed for years. In the midst of tragedy and sorry God is still good.

If you're some one going through a divorce and you somehow stumbled across this poorly penned outflow of my heart, please take this advice to give it all up to Christ. It is all so much more bearable when you don't have to bear it. He knows the feeling of abandonment and being tossed out like garbage. He knows about grief and loneliness. Romans 5:3-5 was my lifeline through the worst of days, "And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Hang on, if you run to Him I can promise it will get better.

"Will You untie this loss of mine that easily defines me. Do You see it on my face, that all I can think about is how long I've been waiting to feel You move me. So close my eyes and hold my heart. Cover me and make me something. Change this something normal, into something beautiful."

Peace,
~Jennanana