Psalm 18 Ramblings

From His temple He heard my voice
My cry came before Him, into His ear.

I was reminded of this song that speaks so deeply to my soul today. It is a song that reminds of the great care and great power of the Almighty King of the universe. Taken right from the pen of David, himself, and spoken and written again and again and again until it reached the eyes and ears of this broken soul. And here it rests on my heart, like dew sparkling on a hopeful, yet somber blade of grass.
It has been a wild ride, the last few months. So many emotions flood in as I continue to grieve the death of my dadio. Nothing feels quite right without being able to call him and shoot the breeze, talk about the Sox, or music, or get advice about social situations. It's been just about 3 months and it still feels so off. Everyone tells me this is normal and to expect it for quite a while, but in the same breath I'm bombarded with comments like "what's wrong?" "why aren't you acting like yourself?" and while I know the intentions are good, it whispers a message that this isn't what people expect, this isn't ok, that I ought to snap out of my funk and be myself again. It's a strange dichotomy. In other strange dichotomy's... fear and the Christian.
It's crazy how situations change and how all the sudden God's got His finger on this whole, huge problem you didn't even know existed in your own heart in the first place. I know it's been said that He corrects whom He loves so I should be grateful, right? And I am, but... man! Fear, ultimately, is a issue of trust and issues of trust are ultimately pride issues. So basically, I think I can do this whole thing a lot better than God... there's a scary revelation. It's not like I haven't tried and failed a hundred times at doing this better than God, and yet here I am at this realization once again. How gracious is the Almighty Creator, that He continues to woo me under His wings every time I've tried to grab the reins and crashed us in a fiery mess. Am I the only one who struggles with this? I know I'm not. And what am I afraid of? That in losing control to a God who cannot lie and promises to direct our paths in goodness and righteousness, I might somehow miss out on something? Hooooooooow does that make sense? Maybe it's that the God who somehow designed the starry sky I'm admiring from my porch as I type, might get it wrong? What is it, anyway? I want my it to be His it!
Oh, the contradictions of the fickle Jenna brain!

BUT!!!!!! The song continues....

He reached down from above
Took hold and drew me out of waters so deep
To wide open spaces
From darkness below
Where floods from the torrents had swallowed me whole
To wide open spaces He handed me out
And delivered me over to wide open spaces.

Truly, if we have claimed Christ as Savior, we belong to Him. Any "mess" we find ourselves in when we follow His lead He will deliver us from it. I also happen to know He delivers us out of messes that we create because we don't follow His lead.