So, I'm having surgery tomorrow. The first of two, 4-compartment fasciotomy's of my lower legs to cure my compartment syndrome. I've suffered with this wretched disorder for over 18-months and I am excited of the prospect of running without the horrendous nerve pain in my calves and numbness in my feet! But at the same time, a surgery on my lower legs is not exactly something I want to do. Add in the fact that my dad, who was also a diabetic, had many leg surgeries and ultimately had both legs amputated. He didn't have compartment syndrome, and didn't have the surgery I am having. He did has circulatory issues (causing the the need for his surgeries) which I do not have, praise Jesus. But still, it's my legs and a little scary. I was re-thinking this whole thing again today, trying to make sure I am making the right decision in having this surgery. Ultimately it isn't a necessary surgery as long as I either put up with the pain when I run, walk fast, or hike... or just stop doing those things all together. I keep coming up with the same answer that life without these things would be very, very hard and harmful to my spirit, SO this is the road I am heading down. Upon reflecting if i should have these surgeries, and why, I started reflecting on my running journey.
I started running after taking the advice of a stranger during the time my ex-husband left me and filed for a divorce. Running was one of the greatest gifts the Lord gave me during that time. The stress relief and communion time with Lord that came from running truly saved me from a lengthy stay in the dark depths of depression that ensued from an unwanted divorce. Since that time I have enjoyed and hated running and have never really been any good at it, which has been frustrating at times but also freeing at other times. I've had some great running buddies (Muffy, Anna, Joanne, Ryan, Larissa) who all kick my butt yet encouraged me so much in it.
Last year brought some of the hardest changes of my life, it was probably the second hardest year I've lived, second to the year of the divorce. I lost my dad in July, endured the betrayal of a close friend and subsequently lost that friendship, my closest friend moved away, social circles that I truly treasured shifted and changed causing other friendships to dissolve and I was experiencing this awful, tear-jerking, pain in both legs when I ran. After seeing a physical therapist, vascular surgeon, and my PCP, I was cleared of vascular issues (yay!) but told not to run for a while. This was smack-dab in the middle of the chaos that was my life.
My greatest outlet for stress and the emotional wreck that I was was being taken from me. I was so frustrated and cried out to the Lord many, many times for relief of this pain so I could run, but it just wasn't happening.... instead, the Lord did something else, He asked me to let His Word be my outlet... Ok, ok... by "He asked me to," I mean, after a very long time of me whining and complaining I started using my extra time to get into the Word more often and as I began to spend this time that I would have spent running studying Scripture I started to realize that it was giving me that same release that running, and crying out to the Lord while running, did for me earlier. It was more revelation of the Lord as Jehovah Jireh, the relational, covenant-keeping God who provides. It also helped me to re-align my eyes and made me realize that I had been dependent on the gift (running) to meet a need I had, rather than on the gift-Giver (God) to meet that need. It was a sweet revelation, much needed, and given at a time when I had extra time to spend in the presence of the Almighty to work it through with. I'm still missing the feeling of running but it isn't a need like it was earlier and I'm really excited about that. I'm so grateful that the Lord has now seen fit to put me in a place with a diagnosis and treatment (dare I say cure) for it to enable me to run without this pain and numbness and harm to my feet. Like all good things, it has been work and a journey to get here, and will continue to be work as I rehab from this surgery. I will be on crutches for weeks, non-weight bearing for the first 2 weeks and then maybe a boot, with the aggressive goal of getting back to activity in a small capacity in 4 weeks, then starting to run in 6, and the second surgery on my left leg in 2 months.
More time to delve into the Word and find my sweet comfort and provision of all my needs in His precious words...
"Your words were found, and I ate them.
Your words became a delight to me
and the joy of my heart,
for I am called by Your name,
Yahweh God of Hosts." Jeremiah 15:16
~Jennanana
Monday, September 4, 2017
Monday, June 19, 2017
3-0 to 3-1
This last year has been one of the hardest yet. The first half was filled with joy and camaraderie I didn't know I would ever get to partake in. The beautiful realization of the blessings that can be brought by community reiterated the heart of Jesus to my soul. The second half brought tragedy and heartache. The loss of my dad has been such a strange and painful road. Grief I haven't known since the divorce 10 years ago came to dwell with me, I'm unsure of how long he'll stay this time, he's at least moved out of my room to the backyard, but he's got a hammock so I think he'll be comfy and will stay a while. The second half of this year also brought the loss of many friendships, bringing out insecurities I thought I left at Oak Hill High School. It's strange how the things that made the first half of my 30th year of life so good, were a large part in what made the second half so hard. BUT GOD...
I say all this, not to dwell, or focus on the pain and uncertainty that surrounds my life but to denote the constant in my life. Even through the unexpected death of my dadio, the loss of a close friendship and subsequent friends, the change of other friendships due to distance, the loss of running, and all the other seemingly "bad" things that have happened there has been a thread of joy in my spirit...
BUT GOD...
Those two words. The best words in the world...
"But God remembered Noah..." Genesis 8:1
"But God has seen my hardship..." Genesis 31:42
"But God will redeem my life from the grave..." Psalm 49:15
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise..." 1 Corinthians 1:27
"But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love that He had for us, made us alive with the Messiah even though we were dead in trespasses." Ephesians 2:4-5
This is me connecting.... Even through these last rough six months I have stood on my "but God," I have grasped to it like the life preserver it is. I suppose going through the tragedy of divorce at such a young age has its advantages in that I was able to witness the Lord's hand pull me from the ickiest mire and sustain me as I went through that hell (PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT A PLUG FOR DIVORCE!!! I'm merely saying that if you allow the Lord to, He can use horrible things, like divorce, to give you life lessons). It makes it easier now, to know and trust His sustaining power, and also to trust that these things will ultimately lead to further maturing and intimacy with Him, and really, what is better than that?
This new year of life is already looking to be an interesting one, kicking it off in Maine to grieve the loss of my Jensui's dad, and being with my dad's family while we remember my dadio as the first year without him comes to a close. Then with the mission trip to Liberia, West Africa (Shameless plug... I'm still raising financial and prayer support for this trip if you want to be part of it!). I'm excited to see how God is going to use the degree I just graduated with, the church I'm getting more plugged in to, the friendships that have changed, my family that is growing stronger, and the (hopefully) temporary physical limitations, to make His name and glory known to Chattanooga and to the nations!
Deuces 3-0
~Jennanana
I say all this, not to dwell, or focus on the pain and uncertainty that surrounds my life but to denote the constant in my life. Even through the unexpected death of my dadio, the loss of a close friendship and subsequent friends, the change of other friendships due to distance, the loss of running, and all the other seemingly "bad" things that have happened there has been a thread of joy in my spirit...
BUT GOD...
Those two words. The best words in the world...
"But God remembered Noah..." Genesis 8:1
"But God has seen my hardship..." Genesis 31:42
"But God will redeem my life from the grave..." Psalm 49:15
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise..." 1 Corinthians 1:27
"But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love that He had for us, made us alive with the Messiah even though we were dead in trespasses." Ephesians 2:4-5
This is me connecting.... Even through these last rough six months I have stood on my "but God," I have grasped to it like the life preserver it is. I suppose going through the tragedy of divorce at such a young age has its advantages in that I was able to witness the Lord's hand pull me from the ickiest mire and sustain me as I went through that hell (PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT A PLUG FOR DIVORCE!!! I'm merely saying that if you allow the Lord to, He can use horrible things, like divorce, to give you life lessons). It makes it easier now, to know and trust His sustaining power, and also to trust that these things will ultimately lead to further maturing and intimacy with Him, and really, what is better than that?
This new year of life is already looking to be an interesting one, kicking it off in Maine to grieve the loss of my Jensui's dad, and being with my dad's family while we remember my dadio as the first year without him comes to a close. Then with the mission trip to Liberia, West Africa (Shameless plug... I'm still raising financial and prayer support for this trip if you want to be part of it!). I'm excited to see how God is going to use the degree I just graduated with, the church I'm getting more plugged in to, the friendships that have changed, my family that is growing stronger, and the (hopefully) temporary physical limitations, to make His name and glory known to Chattanooga and to the nations!
Deuces 3-0
~Jennanana
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Trials, Names, Promises and Battle...
"Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
You preserve my life; You stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and Your right hand delivers me.
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me;
Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands." Psalm 138:7-8
I know I said it last time, but I say again, it has been quite the ride these last few months. In the wake of dad's death other loses have ensued my life, some good, some bad, all hard and painful but full of sweet moments from the Lord.
In this time of trial the Lord has drawn so, very near. His presence is the sweetest balm to my broken heart and His Word has been my sustenance. Seriously, have you read the Bible? It's freaking amazing! One of my current studies is on the Names of God...
In the Old Testament God reveals Himself with different names. Each name reveals a characteristic of God that He wanted Israel to know about Him. The name LORD is the most often used name of God and means Jehovah, the covenant-keeping, relational God. Most of the names revealed are a compound of that root, LORD, and something else. So far we've studied Jehovah Jireh, the LORD Who Provides (find this story in Genesis 22). This was so relevant to me always because I am constantly aware of my needs. I think I most often attributed this name of God to provision of money or food but when you look at the text God provided a sacrifice so that Abraham did not need to sacrifice Isaac. Jehovah Jireh is the LORD who has provided a way for us to have relationship with our Father! Not merely provisions for day to day living, provision for ETERNAL life!
Next, we looked at Jehovah Rapha, the LORD my Healer (find this story in Exodus 15 -verse 22 is where this particular story starts but it's good to read in context... context is key!!). Let me set the stage... "Then Moses led Israel on from the Red Sea, and they went out to the Wilderness of Shur. They journeyed for three days in the wilderness without finding water."(verse 22) After three days of no water, they found water at a place they called Marah, but it was bitter and undrinkable. They freaked out. Now- this says they traveled for three days, from what? (brace yourselves) Three days prior to them freaking out at the bitter waters of Marah they watched THE RED SEA PART BEFORE THEIR VERY EYES! They walked through the sea on dry ground, then watched as it closed in around their pursuing enemies, and three days later their having a wah-wah. God revealed His power, and protection over, and heart for His people at the Red Sea. Three days later, God tests them to see if they remember who He is and His record to care for them... They fail... but yet, God still reveals to them another one of His characteristics AND gives them a promise. He tells them that if they keep His commands and statutes and do what is right in the eyes of God, that He would not inflict on them any of the ailments of the Egyptians, "For I AM Yahweh who heals you." Did yall catch that? Israel failed the test, they forgot God's record in a matter of three days and He still pours out onto them a promise and reveals Himself more to them! This name of God is so close to my heart for so many reasons, least of all my physical ailment of Diabetes, and most of all the healing of my broken heart and broken spirit caused by a fallen world.
Today was the sweetest name yet, Jehovah Nissi, the Lord my Banner (find story in Exodus 17). While it's interesting that Exodus 17 starts out with another story of Israel wah-wahing over water... again, this story starts at verse 8, "At Rephidim, Amalek came and fought against Israel." If you've been reading through Exodus, you know that this is the first battle that Israel is in, and if you haven't been reading through it... now you know! But this is important! Amalek is a descendant of Esau. It is a widely believed hermeneutic that Esau and his descendants, such as Amalek, are pictures of the flesh. This means anytime they are mentioned you can think of them as the fallen flesh that we are told to battle in the New Testament (check out Galatians 5 and Romans 8 for just 2 of MANY references to this). So, in verse 8 Amalek comes... but, from where? OUT OF NOWHERE! And how does he come? Fighting. So Moses tells Joshua to take some men and go into the valley to fight, and he, Aaron, and Hur go up to the hilltop with the staff of God. Every time Moses held the staff up, Joshua and Israel advanced in the war, and every time he lowered it Amalek and his army advanced. So Moses kept the staff raised, but when he grew tired, Aaron and Hur held his arms up for him and Joshua defeated Amalek. After the war was over, "Moses built an altar and named it, “The Lord Is My Banner." He said, “Indeed, my hand is lifted up toward the Lord’s throne. The Lord will be at war with Amalek from generation to generation.” If you picture Amalek as the flesh, how much stinking sense does this verse make? But- before you get down trodden, notice it says, "The LORD will be at war with Amalek," it doesn't say "Jenna Whosoever will be at war with Amalek." That's kind of a big deal! Also- Israel divided into 2 camps to fight and win this battle. They had men who went into the valley and fought, and men who went to the hill and prayed. This is what we are called to. When we find ourselves in the midst of the battle with our flesh, God doesn't tell us just to pray, He tells us to fight, that may look different in every situation, maybe it means turning off the TV when a certain show or commercial comes on, or maybe it means not hanging out with the people you used to, or maybe it means not talking to someone you know you will lose your temper with. But He also tells us to pray, we cannot win this battle, but God can, and as we know Him more (through prayer and studying His word) the easier it is to act and allow Him to intercede. But also- I think this is a great picture of the community we, as believers, should be part of too... Moses needed Aaron and Hur to lift his arms when he grew too tired to do it alone. WE THE CHURCH should be doing this for our brothers and sisters who are in the midst of battle. I am so grateful for the 2 or 3 amazing Godly women who have held my arms up this week... This was insanely relevant for me. This past week, after weeks and months of obeying the Lord in a difficult and heart-wrenching trial. After weeks and months of allowing the Lord to saturate this situation and work in me, graciously enabling me to keep the lid on my anger. Seemingly, out of nowhere this thing happens (yes, the ambiguous wording is intentional) that threatens to loose this lid that I have kept on by His strength. Out of the blue, without me searching it out and risking my footing on the solid ground that I have been provided with, this thing that appeals to my anger more than anything comes along and tries to draw me in. Jehovah Nissi, my Banner, provided me His strength and the support of His beautiful daughters, and kept me in His righteousness. All three of the women I trust the most in spiritual matters quickly came to the conclusion that this is an attack due to the fact that anger was a huge issue of mine in the long ago past (not long enough!) and that by the grace of God I had not, yet, slipped back into that. Satan was appealing to my flesh through the one way that always worked in the past. Seemingly out of nowhere, like Amalek, and it came fighting. But, praise be to the LORD my Banner, that He had been preparing me for this, I was already on guard and Amalek was defeated this time. I feel like this ties in so well with one of my most favorite passages that I have quoted so often on these blogs, 2 Peter 1:3-4, "His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. By these He has given us very great and precious promises, so that through them you may share in the divine nature, escaping the corruption that is in the world because of evil desires."
The covenant-keeping, relational LORD gives us so many ways to fight the flesh, and to fight the flesh when Satan is using it against us, which is just that much more biting. He gives us so many sweet promises and provisions. All we have to do is rest in Him, trust His record, have faith in His PROVEN characteristics and fight. He will fight for us, too, but most importantly, He HAS won this battle for us.
Remember that. Remember His record in your life and press on!!
In Him,
~Jennanana
PS... this is good music.
You preserve my life; You stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and Your right hand delivers me.
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me;
Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands." Psalm 138:7-8
I know I said it last time, but I say again, it has been quite the ride these last few months. In the wake of dad's death other loses have ensued my life, some good, some bad, all hard and painful but full of sweet moments from the Lord.
In this time of trial the Lord has drawn so, very near. His presence is the sweetest balm to my broken heart and His Word has been my sustenance. Seriously, have you read the Bible? It's freaking amazing! One of my current studies is on the Names of God...
In the Old Testament God reveals Himself with different names. Each name reveals a characteristic of God that He wanted Israel to know about Him. The name LORD is the most often used name of God and means Jehovah, the covenant-keeping, relational God. Most of the names revealed are a compound of that root, LORD, and something else. So far we've studied Jehovah Jireh, the LORD Who Provides (find this story in Genesis 22). This was so relevant to me always because I am constantly aware of my needs. I think I most often attributed this name of God to provision of money or food but when you look at the text God provided a sacrifice so that Abraham did not need to sacrifice Isaac. Jehovah Jireh is the LORD who has provided a way for us to have relationship with our Father! Not merely provisions for day to day living, provision for ETERNAL life!
Next, we looked at Jehovah Rapha, the LORD my Healer (find this story in Exodus 15 -verse 22 is where this particular story starts but it's good to read in context... context is key!!). Let me set the stage... "Then Moses led Israel on from the Red Sea, and they went out to the Wilderness of Shur. They journeyed for three days in the wilderness without finding water."(verse 22) After three days of no water, they found water at a place they called Marah, but it was bitter and undrinkable. They freaked out. Now- this says they traveled for three days, from what? (brace yourselves) Three days prior to them freaking out at the bitter waters of Marah they watched THE RED SEA PART BEFORE THEIR VERY EYES! They walked through the sea on dry ground, then watched as it closed in around their pursuing enemies, and three days later their having a wah-wah. God revealed His power, and protection over, and heart for His people at the Red Sea. Three days later, God tests them to see if they remember who He is and His record to care for them... They fail... but yet, God still reveals to them another one of His characteristics AND gives them a promise. He tells them that if they keep His commands and statutes and do what is right in the eyes of God, that He would not inflict on them any of the ailments of the Egyptians, "For I AM Yahweh who heals you." Did yall catch that? Israel failed the test, they forgot God's record in a matter of three days and He still pours out onto them a promise and reveals Himself more to them! This name of God is so close to my heart for so many reasons, least of all my physical ailment of Diabetes, and most of all the healing of my broken heart and broken spirit caused by a fallen world.
Today was the sweetest name yet, Jehovah Nissi, the Lord my Banner (find story in Exodus 17). While it's interesting that Exodus 17 starts out with another story of Israel wah-wahing over water... again, this story starts at verse 8, "At Rephidim, Amalek came and fought against Israel." If you've been reading through Exodus, you know that this is the first battle that Israel is in, and if you haven't been reading through it... now you know! But this is important! Amalek is a descendant of Esau. It is a widely believed hermeneutic that Esau and his descendants, such as Amalek, are pictures of the flesh. This means anytime they are mentioned you can think of them as the fallen flesh that we are told to battle in the New Testament (check out Galatians 5 and Romans 8 for just 2 of MANY references to this). So, in verse 8 Amalek comes... but, from where? OUT OF NOWHERE! And how does he come? Fighting. So Moses tells Joshua to take some men and go into the valley to fight, and he, Aaron, and Hur go up to the hilltop with the staff of God. Every time Moses held the staff up, Joshua and Israel advanced in the war, and every time he lowered it Amalek and his army advanced. So Moses kept the staff raised, but when he grew tired, Aaron and Hur held his arms up for him and Joshua defeated Amalek. After the war was over, "Moses built an altar and named it, “The Lord Is My Banner." He said, “Indeed, my hand is lifted up toward the Lord’s throne. The Lord will be at war with Amalek from generation to generation.” If you picture Amalek as the flesh, how much stinking sense does this verse make? But- before you get down trodden, notice it says, "The LORD will be at war with Amalek," it doesn't say "Jenna Whosoever will be at war with Amalek." That's kind of a big deal! Also- Israel divided into 2 camps to fight and win this battle. They had men who went into the valley and fought, and men who went to the hill and prayed. This is what we are called to. When we find ourselves in the midst of the battle with our flesh, God doesn't tell us just to pray, He tells us to fight, that may look different in every situation, maybe it means turning off the TV when a certain show or commercial comes on, or maybe it means not hanging out with the people you used to, or maybe it means not talking to someone you know you will lose your temper with. But He also tells us to pray, we cannot win this battle, but God can, and as we know Him more (through prayer and studying His word) the easier it is to act and allow Him to intercede. But also- I think this is a great picture of the community we, as believers, should be part of too... Moses needed Aaron and Hur to lift his arms when he grew too tired to do it alone. WE THE CHURCH should be doing this for our brothers and sisters who are in the midst of battle. I am so grateful for the 2 or 3 amazing Godly women who have held my arms up this week... This was insanely relevant for me. This past week, after weeks and months of obeying the Lord in a difficult and heart-wrenching trial. After weeks and months of allowing the Lord to saturate this situation and work in me, graciously enabling me to keep the lid on my anger. Seemingly, out of nowhere this thing happens (yes, the ambiguous wording is intentional) that threatens to loose this lid that I have kept on by His strength. Out of the blue, without me searching it out and risking my footing on the solid ground that I have been provided with, this thing that appeals to my anger more than anything comes along and tries to draw me in. Jehovah Nissi, my Banner, provided me His strength and the support of His beautiful daughters, and kept me in His righteousness. All three of the women I trust the most in spiritual matters quickly came to the conclusion that this is an attack due to the fact that anger was a huge issue of mine in the long ago past (not long enough!) and that by the grace of God I had not, yet, slipped back into that. Satan was appealing to my flesh through the one way that always worked in the past. Seemingly out of nowhere, like Amalek, and it came fighting. But, praise be to the LORD my Banner, that He had been preparing me for this, I was already on guard and Amalek was defeated this time. I feel like this ties in so well with one of my most favorite passages that I have quoted so often on these blogs, 2 Peter 1:3-4, "His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. By these He has given us very great and precious promises, so that through them you may share in the divine nature, escaping the corruption that is in the world because of evil desires."
The covenant-keeping, relational LORD gives us so many ways to fight the flesh, and to fight the flesh when Satan is using it against us, which is just that much more biting. He gives us so many sweet promises and provisions. All we have to do is rest in Him, trust His record, have faith in His PROVEN characteristics and fight. He will fight for us, too, but most importantly, He HAS won this battle for us.
Remember that. Remember His record in your life and press on!!
In Him,
~Jennanana
PS... this is good music.
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