So, I'm having surgery tomorrow. The first of two, 4-compartment fasciotomy's of my lower legs to cure my compartment syndrome. I've suffered with this wretched disorder for over 18-months and I am excited of the prospect of running without the horrendous nerve pain in my calves and numbness in my feet! But at the same time, a surgery on my lower legs is not exactly something I want to do. Add in the fact that my dad, who was also a diabetic, had many leg surgeries and ultimately had both legs amputated. He didn't have compartment syndrome, and didn't have the surgery I am having. He did has circulatory issues (causing the the need for his surgeries) which I do not have, praise Jesus. But still, it's my legs and a little scary. I was re-thinking this whole thing again today, trying to make sure I am making the right decision in having this surgery. Ultimately it isn't a necessary surgery as long as I either put up with the pain when I run, walk fast, or hike... or just stop doing those things all together. I keep coming up with the same answer that life without these things would be very, very hard and harmful to my spirit, SO this is the road I am heading down. Upon reflecting if i should have these surgeries, and why, I started reflecting on my running journey.
I started running after taking the advice of a stranger during the time my ex-husband left me and filed for a divorce. Running was one of the greatest gifts the Lord gave me during that time. The stress relief and communion time with Lord that came from running truly saved me from a lengthy stay in the dark depths of depression that ensued from an unwanted divorce. Since that time I have enjoyed and hated running and have never really been any good at it, which has been frustrating at times but also freeing at other times. I've had some great running buddies (Muffy, Anna, Joanne, Ryan, Larissa) who all kick my butt yet encouraged me so much in it.
Last year brought some of the hardest changes of my life, it was probably the second hardest year I've lived, second to the year of the divorce. I lost my dad in July, endured the betrayal of a close friend and subsequently lost that friendship, my closest friend moved away, social circles that I truly treasured shifted and changed causing other friendships to dissolve and I was experiencing this awful, tear-jerking, pain in both legs when I ran. After seeing a physical therapist, vascular surgeon, and my PCP, I was cleared of vascular issues (yay!) but told not to run for a while. This was smack-dab in the middle of the chaos that was my life.
My greatest outlet for stress and the emotional wreck that I was was being taken from me. I was so frustrated and cried out to the Lord many, many times for relief of this pain so I could run, but it just wasn't happening.... instead, the Lord did something else, He asked me to let His Word be my outlet... Ok, ok... by "He asked me to," I mean, after a very long time of me whining and complaining I started using my extra time to get into the Word more often and as I began to spend this time that I would have spent running studying Scripture I started to realize that it was giving me that same release that running, and crying out to the Lord while running, did for me earlier. It was more revelation of the Lord as Jehovah Jireh, the relational, covenant-keeping God who provides. It also helped me to re-align my eyes and made me realize that I had been dependent on the gift (running) to meet a need I had, rather than on the gift-Giver (God) to meet that need. It was a sweet revelation, much needed, and given at a time when I had extra time to spend in the presence of the Almighty to work it through with. I'm still missing the feeling of running but it isn't a need like it was earlier and I'm really excited about that. I'm so grateful that the Lord has now seen fit to put me in a place with a diagnosis and treatment (dare I say cure) for it to enable me to run without this pain and numbness and harm to my feet. Like all good things, it has been work and a journey to get here, and will continue to be work as I rehab from this surgery. I will be on crutches for weeks, non-weight bearing for the first 2 weeks and then maybe a boot, with the aggressive goal of getting back to activity in a small capacity in 4 weeks, then starting to run in 6, and the second surgery on my left leg in 2 months.
More time to delve into the Word and find my sweet comfort and provision of all my needs in His precious words...
"Your words were found, and I ate them.
Your words became a delight to me
and the joy of my heart,
for I am called by Your name,
Yahweh God of Hosts." Jeremiah 15:16
~Jennanana
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