Frustrations...

I am struggling. With forces unseen as much as forces seen daily. Every morning it is a battle to get out of bed and just live. Must of you know I have been sick and now am working on getting my thyroid issues figured out. Throughout all of this I have finally been hit with the realization I'm letting my diabetes pretty much kill me. I haven't taken care of it for many years now. A lot of people will speculate and say it started when Ryan left me and this is my way of "coping" but it really isn't that. Do you have any idea how freeking annoying it is to account for EVERY BIT of food that I eat? That I have to make myself bleed at every meal to check my blood sugar? That I have to do math and count carbs and beat myself up when I screw it up even though I tried real hard? That's really what it comes down to. If I'm not trying then I can't get mad at myself when my blood sugar is high. So, I went to the docs last week and found my A1C is 10.8 which puts my average blood sugar, for the past 3 months at about 280. So the doc gives me crap, my mom gives me crap, my family gives me crap and so on and so forth. YES, I know it's out of love but it's really annoying that I, being a divorced 22 yr old who lives more independently than most 22 year olds, cannot just get this. Sooo... Last week I started to check my blood sugar, I've done well for this past week but I cannot get the frigging sugar levels down. Seriously people, you have no idea how hard it is to finally be doing things correctly and AGAIN having no good results. Some people may thing it will take some time for the results to get better but that's not right. It really is one of those instant things. Do some research on Type 1 Diabetes if you don't believe me.

Anyway, in the meantime I hate my job more and more, and the longer I stay the closer I get to a management position which will possibly come in Sept when the "Team Leader" goes on maternity leave and then goes to a per diem position. ARGH! I just feel so stuck! Most of my friends are moving to TN and they all want me to go too but I just don't feel right about following other people. I know I should have my own trail to blaze I just have to find it....

I guess that's enough ranting...
Good night,
~Jennanana