I Can't Believe That This Is What My Faith Was For...

You ever have those times where you're in so much pain that you seriously SERIOUSLY don't believe you could hurt any more, then SURPRISE! You run across your recent ex's facebook with a pic of him and a new women in his bathroom dressed in bedroom clothes? Well, to those of you who answered yes to that question I'm joining your club! You know what they say... misery loves company... so make room.
So, divorced at the age of 20. Single from 20-23. Broken beyond belief at 24 and on... It's crazy right? I feel like I'm not going to make it through the night. It's funny how sometimes when you pray for something you may not be ready to get it. Is it possible this incredibly painful scene mentioned above is some sort of closure I've been praying for? All I can think right now is of pain. And a Disciple song...

"What is all this? The question I am asking
It’s not what is I feel like I was promised

This hurts, this leaves a lasting laceration
I can’t believe that this is what my faith was for

The scars remain, reminds of pain
The scars remain

When I see You, I see scars that are matching
When I see You, I see scars that are matching
I know what I’m feeling
You are feeling scars remaining through
When I see You, I see scars

My feet will sink in this quicksand around me
Unless Something or Someone comes to save me

This hurts, this leaves a lasting laceration
I can’t believe that this is what my faith was for"

-- Scares Remain by Disciple

I'm trying to remember how I actually lived through this pain during the divorce... I don't remember much other than running a lot and vomiting a lot and I've got both down to a science right about now. It's so ironic I don't have a job right now and I decided not to take summer classes with John's heavy suggestion. So I have nothing to do right now, other than think, and that has been known to be dangerous.
Why can't you will pain away? Why can't I just say "I don't care pain go away" and the pain will go away?
Is nothing sacred anymore? Seriously? I just don't understand how one who was constantly doing a special Bible study about "becoming more like Christ", who was constantly in the Word, and in the church, and in music ministries can treat someone who loves them this way. It makes no sense and it answers the questions of why people hate Christians so very much. We drag His name through the mud with every bad deed done just like these. It really makes me look at my life though. I don't want to drag Christ's name making it dirtier to this world than it already is.
I'm frustrated and hurting and tired. So tired of pain.
Goodnight,
~Jenna Rice