Ships Don't Sink If They Have Wind In Their Sails...

I wish I could fast forward life 2 years. It took about two years to stop feeling so hurt after Ryan divorced me. Does anyone else get that really bad feeling in the pit of your stomach when they are going through something difficult? It feels like a hole that is growing and is just... vacant. Before people start posting comments telling me that Jesus does not leave His daughters and sons vacant, I know. I know He can and will heal this wound... again. In the meantime, however, I feel like I have a gaping hole in my stomach and heart. And knowing it took so long to get through it the first time doesn't help. I'm trying to focus on things that will pull my attention off my pain but when I'm alone at night (especially night) trying to unwind from the day or really any other random moment throughout the day I hurt. This is the risk one must face with a relationship I suppose and the statistics of relationships consisting of people who have been divorced and not very flattering. I never wanted to be in that statistic again, yet here I am. I feel insane again, one minute I'm ok just going along my day and the next I'm literally in tears over what has been lost, shortly after this I'm angry and need to run or do something to get the frustration out... Running is a God send. I like to run and listen to Emery or UnderOath and people stop me to ask if I'm ok because before I realize it I have tears streaming down my face it's actually quite humerus in a sad sort of way lol. Anyway, I can't wait to start working again and be busier... then with school and my new project that I'm going to somehow get started I should be busy enough to not think about the whole thing so much.
Speaking of school! Totally psyched for my next semester! Don't know what I'm taking yet but I'm excited. I didn't think I would do as well as I have done this first year but I didn't think I'd enjoy it so much either... It's been a blast. I want to take Old Testament survey but it's a scary thought to think about going through the ENTIRE Old Testament in 8 weeks! And I think I'm going to start taking Greek... hopefully. How cool would it be to be able to pick up a Greek copy of the New Testament and translate it yourself? Ok, some of you probably think that sounds boring or whatever but I think it sounds amazing.

On a less depressing note. I had a job interview on Friday that went very, very well. I will hopefully be joining the staff at Coastal Orthopedics again in loverly Brunswick and be getting a place somewhere in the Topsham to Portland area! This will be very good for my new project which I will reveal as time passes... It's going to rock... literally.
After the interview Jen and I went to Popham and made up on the time i lost at the beach while in Tennessee... it was so nice.















"I got eyes in the back of my head and I see where you're going with me.
I'm not surprised. You take me for a fool. Maybe you're right.
If I was wiser I would not have let myself come here tonight.

You sold yourself. You never learn. (You sold yourself...)
Here I am watching the summer fading. (The summer we shared fades away with the winter)
Your hands were warm on my face. Now they're crashing away. (Your hands were warm now...)
Slowly now. (Slower than I may have seen you pushing me away)
Pushing me away.

I knew it (I knew it) right from the start.
I got this big, big hole in my heart.
I wanted (I wanted) to put you in.
But for some reason you just wouldn't fit.
You just wouldn't fit.

You sold yourself. You never learn. (You sold yourself...)
Here I am watching the summer fading. (The summer we shared fades away with the winter)
Your hands were warm on my face. Now they're crashing away. (Your hands were warm now...)
Slowly now. Pushing me away. (Slower than I may have seen you pushing me away)
Pushing me away.

Lust kept giving men so many regrets.
Just this once is what we tell ourselves.

Ships don't sink if they have wind in their sails.
But if the wind fails, is there hope for me? (I guess your love...)
I thought your love was safe. The promise you made...(wasn't so safe, the promise you made...)

Now I am drowning in your shallow sea; I swim.
(you are the storm, the wind and the waves.
you break me in two and toss me away)

You are the waves that toss me in.
(I fell apart when I fell for you)

How can I float above the water that fills my lungs?
(you are the water filing my lungs,
killing me softly without a word)

Killing me softly without a word.
(Without a word...)"
-Emery "In Shallow Seas We Sail"

This is how I feel... Maybe not 100 percent but most of this song is how I feel.
I hope none reading this feel the same way I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
~Jenna