Why Hello...

Why hello 2012. You look… hopeful? In all honesty there aren’t many ways you can let me down year. I’ve got little expectations. Not in a bad way, not in a “last year sucked so I’m done expecting good things” way, not in an emo “feel bad for me” way. More in a “what do YOU have for me because I’m tired of trying it my way only to have things blow up in my face (or my heart) again”. As Cities Burn said it very effectively in their song “Wake Dead Man, Wake”:

“But what good is the whole world?
When I promise no tomorrow
I only promise your tomorrows
Will never take you past My palm”

And I look back all distraught at the loss this year has brought to me and I’m starting to see it as a means to something. I’m really not sure what that something is, yet, but I know I will in time. I know I’m not meant to be where I’m at, there’s learning for me to do and I’m so excited about it. There’s mountains to climb and I’d like to wholeheartedly shout “BRING IT ON” but as much as I want it, I’m scared. I guess that’s “normal” but I hate that I’ve grown less naïve, sounds silly I suppose but the way I see it being naïve means you haven’t had experiences that take away your trust in people. To the younger people reading this; listen to your parents/older role models in your life when they tell you to guard your heart. Once you give away part of your heart to someone who uses it as a coaster for their nasty little drink it’s hard to learn how to trust someone, anyone, again. And when this happens… learn from it and be cautious. I waited 2 and a half years after my husband divorced me to when I started dating John and I didn’t guard my heart like I should have and when he walked away it was harder than before because I hadn’t paid attention to what was going on around me and I didn’t listen to the Still Small Voice warning me for months that something was off. It’s crazy what needless pain we put ourselves through. So, yes, I’m afraid to open the door to new relationships of all kind because I’m afraid of the holes left behind when that relationship ends. I wrote a song about holes once…
With all that said I want to be a more trust worthy person. And I want to trust more in the Lord. It’s absurd that I doubt, after all I have been through He’s been the one, the only one, there dragging me along saying things like “umm, you know if you actually stand up and walk this may be a little easier on you” … Although I don’t know if God would say umm, it doesn’t seem quite right. Anyhow, I liked how Dashboard Confessional put it in the song “Get Me Right” (see below for song):

“But, Jesus the truth is
I've struggled so hard to believe
I'll meet my maker
I need my maker
To cure me of my doubting blood
And drain me of the sins I love
And take from me my disbelief
I know it should come easily
But it remains inside of me
It battles and devours me
It cuddles up the side of me
And whispers it convinces me I'm...
Right”

I may not go quite as far as Chris Carrabba in the claims of it devouring me and convincing me I’m right but I applaud his honesty. And for those of you who think I shouldn’t listen to Dashboard because they aren’t always singing about or to God I dare you to tell me at least some of those lyrics don’t apply to your life.

Now I’ve spent too much time watching Dashboard videos and lost my train of thought… till next time!

Romans 6:12-13 “Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey it’s evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to Him as instruments of righteousness.”
Blessings,
~Jennanana