Happy Memorial Day. Thank you to all those who have served to help keep this a free country. Please know that not all take this freedom for granted and I appreciate all the sacrifices made to preserve our freedom.
With that said lets get into it.
Today was a nice day. I hung out with family and a new friend and ate food and played games. I had a nice time but it made me miss John so very much. Seems dumb that I should miss someone more because I'm having fun but it just made me think of all the fun gatherings I've had with John and friends or his family. So I'm ending the day with this overwhelming feeling off loss. Most of you know John and I "broke up" (for lack of better terms) about a month ago. I've tried not to write much about it because it's depressing and i've gone through a divorce so I should be able to stomach a break up. But it's my stupid blog and i'm going to write what I want to so if you don't want to read my occasional "wah-wah" don't read it... Anyway, I feel quite like I did whilst going through the divorce and I hate it. John and I dated for a year and a half, in some ways it's such a short time but in other ways it's a long time. I got to know his family and felt like such a part of it and now that's gone, it's such a hard thing to endure for a SECOND time. Makes me thing I was so stupid for stepping into another relationship knowing full well what I could lose by getting so close to someone again. It's all so difficult to comprehend to me but not at the same time. Half of me wishes the whole relationship never happened and the other half knows the wonderful things that came out of this relationship and could never wish those away.
So here I am emotionally trapped for a second time in my life. Willing myself to move on but finding it so painful to let go of the shared dreams and hopes of this relationship.
Ivoryline said it well in the song "With the Daylight":
For now you will deal with heartache
And for now you will face some pain
I'm not quoting anymore of the song because it's not emo enough... give me a few months maybe lol. I know I will get through this again but I really don't want to have to. I feel like throwing a temper tantrum and yelling "why do I have to go through this again???" Please don't tell me everything happens for a reason. I know God's promise to work things out for the best for those who love Him (Romans 8:28) but it doesn't feel good when things come to a place like this.
Well, i think i've been thoroughly depressing so I will say goodnight.
Blessings,
~Jenna
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