My Heart is Breaking To the Sound of a Love That's Past

Wow, what a couple of months it has been! Today, I drove. From Hagerstown Maryland to Home... Maine. It was rough physically and emotionally, mostly emotionally.
I know coming back to Maine is what I should do, but doing the right thing isn't always the easiest thing to do. On my way home I received more bad news pertaining to John and I really just thought my heart was going to give. I have to say, it may seem weird but this feels worse than I think the divorce did. I guess it's because John and I were seriously best friends not just girlfriend/boyfriend and Ryan and I hadn't been friends for a while leading up to the divorce. I don't know. All I know is it hurts and I wish it didn't. I wish I could just be like, "Oh, whatever I guess it wasn't meant to be because it didn't work out" but i'm not that smart I guess. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact my husband left me after nearly two years of marriage and John has ditched me nearly two years into our relationship and neither would talk to me to tell me what the frig happened. It's just "oh, it didn't work out" and on to another girl... Seriously? I'm really trying to focus on what God has spoken to me over the past few weeks and just keep my eyes fixed on Him but it's hard for me sometimes to stop looking around and stay focused on one thing. I know why I'm back in Maine and I'm going to fulfill what the Lord has put on my heart and it has nothing to do with John and I'm so excited about it. See that <--- I just added John in somewhere he didn't need to be mentioned. It's hard to break routine. And for the last 2 yearsish he and I were always together. Anyway, I know I'll get through this but it would be so much easier if I could turn off the "what if" switch in my brain or just turn off the switch to thinking anything at all right now. But I can't and I can't stop missing him...for now, i'm sure another 3 years will go by and I'll finally be over it enough to stop talking about "John this" and "John that".
I seriously wonder how much a heart can take of things like this. It does however make me want to listen to Emery a lot... and my new fav band Chicago Winter has an awesome emo song that I have dubbed my theme song for now. It's called Sense Memory and you can listen to it HERE ... I particularly like the lines "my loves attempts are crimes" and "My world's become an vacant chair I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes"... good song.
Good night...
~Jenna