Then...

Why is everything so difficult in my brain right now? I just want to do what I'm supposed to do and am so tired of feeling like my life is an EPIC failure (thanks to Brent I will be saying that a lot). I know that's a little over dramatic but seriously?!? I've been through a lot in my years and I'm just waiting for the crap to be over so I can live. I know most, if not all, of this is caused by the decisions I've made but it just doesn't add up in my brain.
I made the choice to go home (back to Maine) because I really felt I made a hasty decision coming to Tennessee fueled MOSTLY by emotions and now I really feel that Maine is home, and where I need to be. I wouldn't say I am being "called" back home by God but I don't really know what that looks like I guess. I believe He has put some passions back in my heart that could be done in Maine but it could be done here in Tennessee. I have been in prayer a lot about it. I don't think i'm making a hasty decision to move back but i'm just so afraid of making the wrong choice, again.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." Pretty straight forward answer for me. I really like that God found it important to inspire Solomon, or whoever penned this, to write "lean not on your own understanding". It's so uplifting to know it's totally ok that I don't understand the reasons for the stuff that is going on. That it doesn't really matter, if I thought I did understand it, I'd probably be wrong anyway, so I'll just work on EVERYTHING else about that passage. Trust is something I'm finding I have trouble with after Ryan, and John... Never did before but it's something that has been burned so many times. Submit is difficult, I won't lie. I feel like some day's i'm like "I got this" to God and end up going somewhere dark and dreary that I could have totally avoided if I had trusted and submitted to God rather than take over. It makes you wonder what you could have avoided going through with God in control. I don't want to be the person at the grocery store trying to find a close parking spot in the rain, who mutters a quick "God can you help?" prayer and immediately after finds a rock star spot and says "never mind God, I got this" completely missing the fact that a prayer was just answered...
Ahhh, anyway I supposed I should go to sleep so I can be in good shape for my last service at Calvary Chapel Ooltewah... I will miss those peeps.
Night,
~Jenna