Broken, Like Him...

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. One thing in particular I have thought about is why I start 85% of my blogs with the word “so”… Weird, right? Anyway, Most of the time I wish I could stop myself from thinking, just turn off the brain for a bit, or at least turn off the part that wants to think about everything lol. I had a nice thought today, yes, just one. It of course had to do with John, as he and my failed marriage is all I seem to think about right now (and I say failed marriage and not Ryan because I am not thinking about him, rather I am thinking about the issues our marriage had and why things didn’t work). I’ve really been trying to listen this week for God’s voice giving me guidance and much needed solace. I’ve heard His whispers and felt His hand on my heart just holding me through this. Not necessarily taking away the pain but just making His presence known to me and it is nice. One thing I really feel like He is teaching me is to trust Him.
You see, I never had a problem with trust until Ryan served me with divorce papers, until I intercepted a letter from his ex mailed to our home, until I realized I was being lied to by someone who promised to love and protect me always. It’s like a little seed was planted then, in my heart and it took root slowly but didn’t really present a problem until the lies from another started feeding it and all the sudden it’s taken over and is cutting off the blood supply and oxygen supply to my heart and brain and all that need these things. Now, I sit here and wonder “who can I trust?” I know in my heart I can trust my Heavenly Father but my brain keeps stepping in saying “I got this” when I so clearly DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING UNDER CONTROL. And that’s my problem isn’t it? Letting go. I so badly want to let go of things but I am so scared of what’s in store. It’s so strange for my brain to comprehend this because I know God’s word says “and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” and I believe His word, but I guess the question is do I trust His word? What’s the difference between trust and believe? Believe- to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so. Trust- reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
Don’t know about you guys but they seem pretty close to being the same thing to me…

How do people change so dramatically? Better yet, how can someone be so blinded at the changes in another person? I never thought this would happen. Not in a million years did I think I would ever feel this way, certainly not at the hands of my John. Honestly, people warned me but I knew his heart, I thought I knew his heart and it was good. Yeah, he had a past and yes it set off some alarms to be careful and guard my heart some but I have a past too, a yucky one, different than his in some ways but still the same. It just seems so backwards and I feel so broken. I trusted the goodwill of John and it ended like this and it just doesn’t fit, like there is something I am missing, maybe I have been missing it all throughout these years. Today I thought about the birthday party I threw myself 2 years ago. It was when John and I had just started hanging out, before we were “dating”. He had bought me two Dead Poetic albums, both you would have to order since DP isn’t around anymore and I just remember thinking it was such a thoughtful gift. Music is my thing as most of you know. And for someone to buy me some amazing post hardcore screamo music is pretty huge since none of my friends were into it. Now when I think about this I think of all the music I shared with him… Dead Poetic, UnderOath, Oh, Sleeper, Emery, Ivoryline, As Cities Burn, and I start to have a small anxiety attack thinking about him sharing this music, our music, my music, with his new girlfriend. It makes me feel insane. Seriously, I don’t think that’s normal. Music was our thing; we went to all the shows together, to Soul Fest and Soul Jam, and even New Jersey for The Scream It Like You Mean It tour. He would get so excited with me and it was amazing, and now it’s gone and I am sad.


When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
--- Chicago Winter "Sense Memory"


The only hope I have left is in God and I guess that’s an ok place to be. Broken, like Him.
~Jenna

Placing Burdens in My Hands...

I really feel like poop these days... if you haven't guessed. Physically I feel better then I have in years. I think it's the running and eating less junk. But I just don't feel right, I can't really keep much food down even if I'm hungry and it's frustrating because I'm a big believer in eating lol. I really wish I had taken summer classes! I guess I could be in the Word more than I am currently. I've been writing a lot again not just in this blog, but maybe someday I'll put something that I wrote on my blog lol. Maybe I should pick up my bass guitar and work on that... wow, I shouldn't be bored at all lol.

I've been thinking a lot of Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up conflict but love covers over all wrongs". I really feel that there is a lot of hatred from John towards me right now... I wouldn't have said that 2 weeks ago but things have developed and words have been said and now I can't help but wonder what happened? (Not that I haven't been wondering that all along) I'm a peculiar person. I've been in a total of two relationships with men I thought (really thought) I would spend forever with... One ended in a heart-wrenching divorce and the other, just ended. I've not had the privilege to sit with these men and figure out what happened to change the way they felt about me. I don't foresee me having this privilege. It sucks, because I really want that kind of closure (not so much for the marriage as it has been years and I have mostly healed from that) BUT I know that I do not NEED it to get through this. God carried me through the divorce and I know He can and will carry me through this. But as I have resigned to defeat in first my marriage and now my relationship with John I just don't understand why someone would try to make it harder. I never saw any of this coming so I guess I shouldn't expect or not expect things to follow any sort of "path" I had imagined.
I'm just tired, you know? I'm tired of this sort of pain and the knowledge that I opened myself up to this pain the minute I decided to enter into another relationship. I'm tired of fighting and I'm so so sooo tired of the feeling I have in my stomach every time he is mentioned. I'm tired of feeling like a failure who "doesn't know how to keep her man"... thank you for saying that by the way (you know who you are).

When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past

I'm sad for the guy that wrote that song. It explains my heart so well right now. As much as I wanted things to turn out differently I know that right now if the relationship had continued the consequences would have been worse and the pain would have been even harder to deal with.
It's another lesson in trusting the Almighty with my over sensitive heart I think. I wish I didn't have to learn this way but it's better than not learning at all I suppose. I read that God will do what He must to be the center of your life. I know I can always work on keeping Him the center and I know I let John be that for me at times and even with this realization and confession the pain is still just as thick.
I'm going to try to find something to do on this rainy Friday night... Anyone up for X-Men or Pirates? ;-)