The Hurts of Helping...

I have a heavy heart today. The kind that physically feels wrong, and emotionally just hurts. A dear, sweet friend of mine had to make a decision yesterday and decided to begin the process of divorcing her husband. Since I am only friends with her I know only one side of the situation and so I cannot, nor do i care to, comment on the right or wrong aspect of this decision, all I know is she is in pain and it breaks my heart. From what I do know her situation is quite similar to mine, even though my ex-husband was the one to file and divorce me. Having been through this tragedy and coming out on the other end alive I have been trying desperately to be of some use and comfort to her in this but it seems after coming up with so many great things to say to myself in the past 7 years I can find nothing to say to her that seems comforting or helpful. I feel my emotions start to crash in as I remember the pain and the constant, never-ending thinking I dealt with at that stage of the divorce. The thoughts of "if I do this, maybe he will change his mind before the court date," or "maybe if I were prettier, or skinny, maybe he'll remember he loves me." At the time I was going through this I was 20, and of course no one in my circle of friends had gone through anything like it so I thought all these things were unique to me in this situation. In talking with my friend she told me she is going through the same thing, asking the same questions, not sleeping because she can't stop thinking and I realized my thought process throughout the divorce was not unique. I keep trying to remember what I wanted and needed to hear when I was going through this, and what was more painful than helpful.
As I try to fill my brain with the right things to say I find myself remembering things I don't really want to remember and while that sucks it's really hopeful to me that I've actually forgotten these things! I remember thinking, "I will never get through this pain, I'll never forget how much more this thing or that thing hurts while I'm already hurting." and yet I did forget, and I'm quite glad. But still the heaviness of heart is present, but I think I would be concerned if it were not. Divorce is no small matter. Yeah, it may be common in the world today but what horrible thing isn't? A couple years ago I was going through a really awesome systematic theology class and I had to get this killer 1200+ page textbook called the "Evangelical Dictionary of Theology (my second fav textbook so far) and I don't remember what part we were studying at the time but there was a section on divorce and it went into the etymology of the word for divorce used in the Old Testament; "The word "divorce" in the phrase "bill of divorcement" is related to the word for hewing down trees, even cutting off heads. It indicates the severing of what was once a living union. Divorce, then, is a kind of amputation. It cannot happen without damage to the partners concerned." It's a huge deal and I wish I could somehow stop the clock and rearrange the pieces in her life and hit go again so she doesn't have to go through this. I remember the first time I met this friend, for some reason she and I just hit it off so well that my entire life story just came flooding out and she remarked at how strong I was to be able to go through something so awful and still be cheerful and hopeful I remember her saying how she didn't have the strength to ever make it through something like that, and yet here we are. I have no doubt in my mind God brought us together for such a time as this but I still wish I could take it on instead of her having to deal with it. Part of me wants to lie to her and tell her "yeah, it sucks, but you'll get over it quickly." Honestly, I still deal with the remnants of the consequences of amputation. It's a much less frequent thing now, 7 years s/p divorce but there's still things that creep up in me that I didn't even recognize as an issue before that must be dealt with.

If you are reading this please pray for her. Please pray she runs straight to the arms of Jesus and do nothing more. Please pray that I can encourage her to do exactly that since I know, first hand, the He is truly, TRULY the only way she will get through this intact. Please pray for me that I can completely empty myself and allow the Lord to fill and work through me in this, speaking only that which will edify Him and and draw her into His comforting and loving presence. Also please pray that Christ continue His healing work in my life, revealing the wounds I have not allowed Him to touch with His healing Spirit and the places I have restricted His access.

Wooo, talk about rambling. I can't keep a single thought on track!
Blessings,
~Jennanana

PS:
My advice: DON'T GET DIVORCED!

Living Broken...continued...

So I have been doing a lot of thinking about my last post and I realize that it may have come across as a bit accusatory. I seem to have left out a very important part to the whole post... We all fall. So cliche right? Maybe that's why I left it out, i mean we all know it happens. I do things that don't glorify God, and actually glorify the enemy, more than I care to admit but what I don't do (and what the last post was really about) is do something that is clearly wrong, clearly sinful (yes, I said the dirty word sin) and say "I know this is sin and I'm going to continuing in this sin because I don't want to do anything about it right now..." I'm soooooo not perfect. Anyone who knows me knows how hot tempered and self-absorbed I am. I am a sinner, just like you but I choose to spend my life abolishing sin from my life and living as Jesus instructed His children to live... Like HIM. When I sin I want to stop dead in my tracks and do what I must to remedy the situation and learn from it so I will not fall prey to that trap again. When I lose my temper at a friend I desire to reconcile the relationship, apologize, and learn from the experience how to have better self-control which is a... fruit of the spirit...

I'm struggling these days just to live. My heart feels so heavy for the life that seems lost right now and I wish there were a word or phrase I could find to put things back on the right path but I know it's not mine to fix.... Cody Bonnette said it very well in the song "Into the Sea" by As Cities Burn:

"And I tried to stop it when
I saw your posture start to bend
But honey it was not mine to mend"


I don't know why I feel so burdened by this. Maybe I think it's partly my fault... maybe it is. I know it's not something I can fix so I've left in in the ever so capable hands of my Father but I still feel so wrecked, so heavy. Like war has been raging, like it has.

Stayed tuned for some exciting posts to come... and comment on here if you want to! I like comments... especially if they are not not mean!!
In Christ,
~Jennanana

Living Broken...

Well, the UnderOath concert was absolutely AMAZING! I'll write more about that another time as I have other things on my heart tonight.
I am so totally sold out to Jesus. Madly in love. Reminded everyday that I am blessed beyond comprehension and WAYYYYYY beyond what I deserve. I have screwed up so much in my life and He continues to woo my heart while I throw my little temper tantrums and spit in His face. I was reminded again today in a very powerful and painful way that He is truly, TRULY looking out for me. He plucked me from the path of destruction when I didn't even realize I was destroying myself and all I have done for months is whine and cry over it, thinking this is His punishment for slipping up and not obeying Him in all things but today my eyes were opened. I don't want anything to cause me to stumble in front of Christ and I'm the idiot who keeps moving those giant blocks I can't hurdle right in my path with the full knowledge that the block i just moved is 3 times my height and I don't know how to get myself out of the mess i just made for myself. Anyway, I've had a frustrating day, news about the ex-husband I wish I didn't know, our refrigerator died, I couldn't find the eye liner i wanted at Ulta (uber important!), and a very unexpected phone call. But yes, I'm stuck at the revelation God has given me today. I'm so broken hearted for my brothers and sisters who are so deceived by the tempter and his wiles that they knowingly and willing turn their back on God's word and make a mockery of what He has called His children to be like. Not only that but they add to the world's already super tainted view of Christianity as THE hypocritical religion. It's so frustrating and I wish they would just open their Bibles and start reading! Jesus wasn't like "well, as my followers, as my adopted children, co-heirs with me, here are some rules that I don't really care if you follow or not" No way! He was like "This is going to be hard, the world is going to try and entice you to follow them but this is important! Follow me, live upright, don't murder, don't hate, don't steal, don't fornicate, don't idolize anyone. Live in the world but don't live like the world. You will be noticed and you will be effective for My kingdom this way!!!"
It's great to love Christ! It's so so so important to love Him, but after that we're still here... We still have a job to do. We have lives to change by showing them the purity and beauty of Christ and it can't be done by acting like this dark, dirty world. WAKE UP CHRISTIANS! Don't let yourselves be deceived and disqualified to be a light for Christ. Think of what He sacrificed for you and ask yourselves if what you want, your sin, is more important than taking Christ off that cross. You continue to live your life in willing sin it's just like your driving another nail in his hands. It's absurd! You know the truth, you've lived by the truth, and your going to do something contrary to it? You know the consequence and your still going to walk away from what is right??? REALLY?
Oh, God it breaks my heart! I love these people and they walk away just like that and it seriously breaks my heart. I don't know what to do with this kind of pain, and it's frustrating. I ran today to try and alleviate and it worked a little but not enough. I think this is like the demon that Jesus cast out of the sick boy after coming down from the mountain where His transfiguration took place. His disciples couldn't cast the demon out and Jesus came and talked with the boy's father then commanded the evil spirit to come out of the boy. Later, the disciples asked Jesus why they weren't able to cast this demon out like they had been able to in many other cases. Jesus replied to them (Matthew 17:21) "this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting" (if you have a NIV Bible you may have to read the footnotes for this verse, as they put something else in the actual passage). I think it's going to take some hard-core praying to ease the pain from this brokenness.
Good night!
~Jenna

Broken, Like Him...

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. One thing in particular I have thought about is why I start 85% of my blogs with the word “so”… Weird, right? Anyway, Most of the time I wish I could stop myself from thinking, just turn off the brain for a bit, or at least turn off the part that wants to think about everything lol. I had a nice thought today, yes, just one. It of course had to do with John, as he and my failed marriage is all I seem to think about right now (and I say failed marriage and not Ryan because I am not thinking about him, rather I am thinking about the issues our marriage had and why things didn’t work). I’ve really been trying to listen this week for God’s voice giving me guidance and much needed solace. I’ve heard His whispers and felt His hand on my heart just holding me through this. Not necessarily taking away the pain but just making His presence known to me and it is nice. One thing I really feel like He is teaching me is to trust Him.
You see, I never had a problem with trust until Ryan served me with divorce papers, until I intercepted a letter from his ex mailed to our home, until I realized I was being lied to by someone who promised to love and protect me always. It’s like a little seed was planted then, in my heart and it took root slowly but didn’t really present a problem until the lies from another started feeding it and all the sudden it’s taken over and is cutting off the blood supply and oxygen supply to my heart and brain and all that need these things. Now, I sit here and wonder “who can I trust?” I know in my heart I can trust my Heavenly Father but my brain keeps stepping in saying “I got this” when I so clearly DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING UNDER CONTROL. And that’s my problem isn’t it? Letting go. I so badly want to let go of things but I am so scared of what’s in store. It’s so strange for my brain to comprehend this because I know God’s word says “and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” and I believe His word, but I guess the question is do I trust His word? What’s the difference between trust and believe? Believe- to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so. Trust- reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
Don’t know about you guys but they seem pretty close to being the same thing to me…

How do people change so dramatically? Better yet, how can someone be so blinded at the changes in another person? I never thought this would happen. Not in a million years did I think I would ever feel this way, certainly not at the hands of my John. Honestly, people warned me but I knew his heart, I thought I knew his heart and it was good. Yeah, he had a past and yes it set off some alarms to be careful and guard my heart some but I have a past too, a yucky one, different than his in some ways but still the same. It just seems so backwards and I feel so broken. I trusted the goodwill of John and it ended like this and it just doesn’t fit, like there is something I am missing, maybe I have been missing it all throughout these years. Today I thought about the birthday party I threw myself 2 years ago. It was when John and I had just started hanging out, before we were “dating”. He had bought me two Dead Poetic albums, both you would have to order since DP isn’t around anymore and I just remember thinking it was such a thoughtful gift. Music is my thing as most of you know. And for someone to buy me some amazing post hardcore screamo music is pretty huge since none of my friends were into it. Now when I think about this I think of all the music I shared with him… Dead Poetic, UnderOath, Oh, Sleeper, Emery, Ivoryline, As Cities Burn, and I start to have a small anxiety attack thinking about him sharing this music, our music, my music, with his new girlfriend. It makes me feel insane. Seriously, I don’t think that’s normal. Music was our thing; we went to all the shows together, to Soul Fest and Soul Jam, and even New Jersey for The Scream It Like You Mean It tour. He would get so excited with me and it was amazing, and now it’s gone and I am sad.


When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
--- Chicago Winter "Sense Memory"


The only hope I have left is in God and I guess that’s an ok place to be. Broken, like Him.
~Jenna