I have a heavy heart today. The kind that physically feels wrong, and emotionally just hurts. A dear, sweet friend of mine had to make a decision yesterday and decided to begin the process of divorcing her husband. Since I am only friends with her I know only one side of the situation and so I cannot, nor do i care to, comment on the right or wrong aspect of this decision, all I know is she is in pain and it breaks my heart. From what I do know her situation is quite similar to mine, even though my ex-husband was the one to file and divorce me. Having been through this tragedy and coming out on the other end alive I have been trying desperately to be of some use and comfort to her in this but it seems after coming up with so many great things to say to myself in the past 7 years I can find nothing to say to her that seems comforting or helpful. I feel my emotions start to crash in as I remember the pain and the constant, never-ending thinking I dealt with at that stage of the divorce. The thoughts of "if I do this, maybe he will change his mind before the court date," or "maybe if I were prettier, or skinny, maybe he'll remember he loves me." At the time I was going through this I was 20, and of course no one in my circle of friends had gone through anything like it so I thought all these things were unique to me in this situation. In talking with my friend she told me she is going through the same thing, asking the same questions, not sleeping because she can't stop thinking and I realized my thought process throughout the divorce was not unique. I keep trying to remember what I wanted and needed to hear when I was going through this, and what was more painful than helpful.
As I try to fill my brain with the right things to say I find myself remembering things I don't really want to remember and while that sucks it's really hopeful to me that I've actually forgotten these things! I remember thinking, "I will never get through this pain, I'll never forget how much more this thing or that thing hurts while I'm already hurting." and yet I did forget, and I'm quite glad. But still the heaviness of heart is present, but I think I would be concerned if it were not. Divorce is no small matter. Yeah, it may be common in the world today but what horrible thing isn't? A couple years ago I was going through a really awesome systematic theology class and I had to get this killer 1200+ page textbook called the "Evangelical Dictionary of Theology (my second fav textbook so far) and I don't remember what part we were studying at the time but there was a section on divorce and it went into the etymology of the word for divorce used in the Old Testament; "The word "divorce" in the phrase "bill of divorcement" is related to the word for hewing down trees, even cutting off heads. It indicates the severing of what was once a living union. Divorce, then, is a kind of amputation. It cannot happen without damage to the partners concerned." It's a huge deal and I wish I could somehow stop the clock and rearrange the pieces in her life and hit go again so she doesn't have to go through this. I remember the first time I met this friend, for some reason she and I just hit it off so well that my entire life story just came flooding out and she remarked at how strong I was to be able to go through something so awful and still be cheerful and hopeful I remember her saying how she didn't have the strength to ever make it through something like that, and yet here we are. I have no doubt in my mind God brought us together for such a time as this but I still wish I could take it on instead of her having to deal with it. Part of me wants to lie to her and tell her "yeah, it sucks, but you'll get over it quickly." Honestly, I still deal with the remnants of the consequences of amputation. It's a much less frequent thing now, 7 years s/p divorce but there's still things that creep up in me that I didn't even recognize as an issue before that must be dealt with.
If you are reading this please pray for her. Please pray she runs straight to the arms of Jesus and do nothing more. Please pray that I can encourage her to do exactly that since I know, first hand, the He is truly, TRULY the only way she will get through this intact. Please pray for me that I can completely empty myself and allow the Lord to fill and work through me in this, speaking only that which will edify Him and and draw her into His comforting and loving presence. Also please pray that Christ continue His healing work in my life, revealing the wounds I have not allowed Him to touch with His healing Spirit and the places I have restricted His access.
Wooo, talk about rambling. I can't keep a single thought on track!
Blessings,
~Jennanana
PS:
My advice: DON'T GET DIVORCED!
Showing posts with label Divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Divorce. Show all posts
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Broken, Like Him...
So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. One thing in particular I have thought about is why I start 85% of my blogs with the word “so”… Weird, right? Anyway, Most of the time I wish I could stop myself from thinking, just turn off the brain for a bit, or at least turn off the part that wants to think about everything lol. I had a nice thought today, yes, just one. It of course had to do with John, as he and my failed marriage is all I seem to think about right now (and I say failed marriage and not Ryan because I am not thinking about him, rather I am thinking about the issues our marriage had and why things didn’t work). I’ve really been trying to listen this week for God’s voice giving me guidance and much needed solace. I’ve heard His whispers and felt His hand on my heart just holding me through this. Not necessarily taking away the pain but just making His presence known to me and it is nice. One thing I really feel like He is teaching me is to trust Him.
You see, I never had a problem with trust until Ryan served me with divorce papers, until I intercepted a letter from his ex mailed to our home, until I realized I was being lied to by someone who promised to love and protect me always. It’s like a little seed was planted then, in my heart and it took root slowly but didn’t really present a problem until the lies from another started feeding it and all the sudden it’s taken over and is cutting off the blood supply and oxygen supply to my heart and brain and all that need these things. Now, I sit here and wonder “who can I trust?” I know in my heart I can trust my Heavenly Father but my brain keeps stepping in saying “I got this” when I so clearly DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING UNDER CONTROL. And that’s my problem isn’t it? Letting go. I so badly want to let go of things but I am so scared of what’s in store. It’s so strange for my brain to comprehend this because I know God’s word says “and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” and I believe His word, but I guess the question is do I trust His word? What’s the difference between trust and believe? Believe- to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so. Trust- reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
Don’t know about you guys but they seem pretty close to being the same thing to me…
How do people change so dramatically? Better yet, how can someone be so blinded at the changes in another person? I never thought this would happen. Not in a million years did I think I would ever feel this way, certainly not at the hands of my John. Honestly, people warned me but I knew his heart, I thought I knew his heart and it was good. Yeah, he had a past and yes it set off some alarms to be careful and guard my heart some but I have a past too, a yucky one, different than his in some ways but still the same. It just seems so backwards and I feel so broken. I trusted the goodwill of John and it ended like this and it just doesn’t fit, like there is something I am missing, maybe I have been missing it all throughout these years. Today I thought about the birthday party I threw myself 2 years ago. It was when John and I had just started hanging out, before we were “dating”. He had bought me two Dead Poetic albums, both you would have to order since DP isn’t around anymore and I just remember thinking it was such a thoughtful gift. Music is my thing as most of you know. And for someone to buy me some amazing post hardcore screamo music is pretty huge since none of my friends were into it. Now when I think about this I think of all the music I shared with him… Dead Poetic, UnderOath, Oh, Sleeper, Emery, Ivoryline, As Cities Burn, and I start to have a small anxiety attack thinking about him sharing this music, our music, my music, with his new girlfriend. It makes me feel insane. Seriously, I don’t think that’s normal. Music was our thing; we went to all the shows together, to Soul Fest and Soul Jam, and even New Jersey for The Scream It Like You Mean It tour. He would get so excited with me and it was amazing, and now it’s gone and I am sad.
When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
--- Chicago Winter "Sense Memory"
The only hope I have left is in God and I guess that’s an ok place to be. Broken, like Him.
~Jenna
You see, I never had a problem with trust until Ryan served me with divorce papers, until I intercepted a letter from his ex mailed to our home, until I realized I was being lied to by someone who promised to love and protect me always. It’s like a little seed was planted then, in my heart and it took root slowly but didn’t really present a problem until the lies from another started feeding it and all the sudden it’s taken over and is cutting off the blood supply and oxygen supply to my heart and brain and all that need these things. Now, I sit here and wonder “who can I trust?” I know in my heart I can trust my Heavenly Father but my brain keeps stepping in saying “I got this” when I so clearly DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING UNDER CONTROL. And that’s my problem isn’t it? Letting go. I so badly want to let go of things but I am so scared of what’s in store. It’s so strange for my brain to comprehend this because I know God’s word says “and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” and I believe His word, but I guess the question is do I trust His word? What’s the difference between trust and believe? Believe- to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so. Trust- reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
Don’t know about you guys but they seem pretty close to being the same thing to me…
How do people change so dramatically? Better yet, how can someone be so blinded at the changes in another person? I never thought this would happen. Not in a million years did I think I would ever feel this way, certainly not at the hands of my John. Honestly, people warned me but I knew his heart, I thought I knew his heart and it was good. Yeah, he had a past and yes it set off some alarms to be careful and guard my heart some but I have a past too, a yucky one, different than his in some ways but still the same. It just seems so backwards and I feel so broken. I trusted the goodwill of John and it ended like this and it just doesn’t fit, like there is something I am missing, maybe I have been missing it all throughout these years. Today I thought about the birthday party I threw myself 2 years ago. It was when John and I had just started hanging out, before we were “dating”. He had bought me two Dead Poetic albums, both you would have to order since DP isn’t around anymore and I just remember thinking it was such a thoughtful gift. Music is my thing as most of you know. And for someone to buy me some amazing post hardcore screamo music is pretty huge since none of my friends were into it. Now when I think about this I think of all the music I shared with him… Dead Poetic, UnderOath, Oh, Sleeper, Emery, Ivoryline, As Cities Burn, and I start to have a small anxiety attack thinking about him sharing this music, our music, my music, with his new girlfriend. It makes me feel insane. Seriously, I don’t think that’s normal. Music was our thing; we went to all the shows together, to Soul Fest and Soul Jam, and even New Jersey for The Scream It Like You Mean It tour. He would get so excited with me and it was amazing, and now it’s gone and I am sad.
When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
--- Chicago Winter "Sense Memory"
The only hope I have left is in God and I guess that’s an ok place to be. Broken, like Him.
~Jenna
Friday, June 17, 2011
Placing Burdens in My Hands...
I really feel like poop these days... if you haven't guessed. Physically I feel better then I have in years. I think it's the running and eating less junk. But I just don't feel right, I can't really keep much food down even if I'm hungry and it's frustrating because I'm a big believer in eating lol. I really wish I had taken summer classes! I guess I could be in the Word more than I am currently. I've been writing a lot again not just in this blog, but maybe someday I'll put something that I wrote on my blog lol. Maybe I should pick up my bass guitar and work on that... wow, I shouldn't be bored at all lol.
I've been thinking a lot of Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up conflict but love covers over all wrongs". I really feel that there is a lot of hatred from John towards me right now... I wouldn't have said that 2 weeks ago but things have developed and words have been said and now I can't help but wonder what happened? (Not that I haven't been wondering that all along) I'm a peculiar person. I've been in a total of two relationships with men I thought (really thought) I would spend forever with... One ended in a heart-wrenching divorce and the other, just ended. I've not had the privilege to sit with these men and figure out what happened to change the way they felt about me. I don't foresee me having this privilege. It sucks, because I really want that kind of closure (not so much for the marriage as it has been years and I have mostly healed from that) BUT I know that I do not NEED it to get through this. God carried me through the divorce and I know He can and will carry me through this. But as I have resigned to defeat in first my marriage and now my relationship with John I just don't understand why someone would try to make it harder. I never saw any of this coming so I guess I shouldn't expect or not expect things to follow any sort of "path" I had imagined.
I'm just tired, you know? I'm tired of this sort of pain and the knowledge that I opened myself up to this pain the minute I decided to enter into another relationship. I'm tired of fighting and I'm so so sooo tired of the feeling I have in my stomach every time he is mentioned. I'm tired of feeling like a failure who "doesn't know how to keep her man"... thank you for saying that by the way (you know who you are).
When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
I'm sad for the guy that wrote that song. It explains my heart so well right now. As much as I wanted things to turn out differently I know that right now if the relationship had continued the consequences would have been worse and the pain would have been even harder to deal with.
It's another lesson in trusting the Almighty with my over sensitive heart I think. I wish I didn't have to learn this way but it's better than not learning at all I suppose. I read that God will do what He must to be the center of your life. I know I can always work on keeping Him the center and I know I let John be that for me at times and even with this realization and confession the pain is still just as thick.
I'm going to try to find something to do on this rainy Friday night... Anyone up for X-Men or Pirates? ;-)
I've been thinking a lot of Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up conflict but love covers over all wrongs". I really feel that there is a lot of hatred from John towards me right now... I wouldn't have said that 2 weeks ago but things have developed and words have been said and now I can't help but wonder what happened? (Not that I haven't been wondering that all along) I'm a peculiar person. I've been in a total of two relationships with men I thought (really thought) I would spend forever with... One ended in a heart-wrenching divorce and the other, just ended. I've not had the privilege to sit with these men and figure out what happened to change the way they felt about me. I don't foresee me having this privilege. It sucks, because I really want that kind of closure (not so much for the marriage as it has been years and I have mostly healed from that) BUT I know that I do not NEED it to get through this. God carried me through the divorce and I know He can and will carry me through this. But as I have resigned to defeat in first my marriage and now my relationship with John I just don't understand why someone would try to make it harder. I never saw any of this coming so I guess I shouldn't expect or not expect things to follow any sort of "path" I had imagined.
I'm just tired, you know? I'm tired of this sort of pain and the knowledge that I opened myself up to this pain the minute I decided to enter into another relationship. I'm tired of fighting and I'm so so sooo tired of the feeling I have in my stomach every time he is mentioned. I'm tired of feeling like a failure who "doesn't know how to keep her man"... thank you for saying that by the way (you know who you are).
When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
I'm sad for the guy that wrote that song. It explains my heart so well right now. As much as I wanted things to turn out differently I know that right now if the relationship had continued the consequences would have been worse and the pain would have been even harder to deal with.
It's another lesson in trusting the Almighty with my over sensitive heart I think. I wish I didn't have to learn this way but it's better than not learning at all I suppose. I read that God will do what He must to be the center of your life. I know I can always work on keeping Him the center and I know I let John be that for me at times and even with this realization and confession the pain is still just as thick.
I'm going to try to find something to do on this rainy Friday night... Anyone up for X-Men or Pirates? ;-)
Thursday, March 3, 2011
This Isn't Happening?...
It's been a tough week. This set of classes i'm taking is coming to an end. Dad had surgery today. Got in a substantial fight with John and haven't talked to him in what feels like weeeeeks, even though it's only been a few days. And tomorrow, just to top things off, is my last day at a job I have loved to hate and hated to love for the last 4 years... which just happen to be the most turbulent 4 years of my existence. I can't help but think I'm leaving a little piece of me behind at the pediatrics office. I know it wasn't really my job that has gotten me where I am today but because I started there when my husband was divorcing me I am beginning to remember all those terrible feelings and I fear I am mixing them up with the "normal" new job jitters. I am actually feeling quite terrified of starting a new job because of what was going on when I started at CM Peds. I guess that means I'm still healing. Isn't that ridiculous?!? It angers me so much to know I am STILL feeling the affects of a selfish decision made by the man who vowed to love and protect me always. It's been years since I have had dreams about this man and this week has been littered with them. I wake up feeling my emo alter ego fighting for it's reign in my wardrobe again. I guess it doesn't help that John and I aren't getting along very well right now either.
I really don't think I'm afraid of change I just think the last time there was THIS MUCH change I was learning how to live again apart from my other half. Those of you who have been divorced know what I mean. It's so unnatural to have to learn how to exist apart from someone with whom you were one. And here I am FOUR FREEKING YEARS LATER having a cry fest over it all.
On a not so selfish wah wah it's all about me note... Dad's surgery was a success so far. For those that do not know he had to have his leg below the knee amputated due to circulation issues. The surgery was scheduled a week ago and was postponed twice so that has been a stress. Thanks to all who have been praying! I haven't seen him yet as he is still heavily medicated but will be seeing him tomorrow.
Back to my previous blog... I really have got to learn to trust God with all this. It's just so hard to dismiss emotions as being utterly ridiculous... even if they are.
But tonight I will sooth myself with Brandon Rike's emo lyrics and music from his band Dead Poetic's 2nd release New Medicines the song Hostages...
"Ten frozen memories lost into your pool of interrupted thought.
I could have reminisced for hours.
But right now you are all I get to remember.
I'm waiting for something to get through to you.
I'm waiting to see a truer side of you, and we're...
Let's make this quick. I'll bother you, you'll tear it away.
Cut broken enemies off, into your pit of non-valuable losses.
Could have stayed and dreamt for days,
But the sight must be far worse than the taste.
And I'm waiting for something to get through to you.
And I'm waiting to burn compassion into you. and we're..
We don't even know if we're to blame for all of this,
We don't even know if we're in the clear, the clear.
We don't even know if we should bank on any of this
And we don't even know if we'll go,
So let's make this quick. I'll bother you, you'll tear it away.
This isn't happening, leave me with myself."
OK... Maybe it's a little TOO emo for tonight.. but it is a GREAT song.
Did a devotional this morn and I think it really helped me get through the day. I'm excited about finally understanding what the "Daily Bread" magazine thing is great little devotionals!
Anywho. Night.
~Jenna
I really don't think I'm afraid of change I just think the last time there was THIS MUCH change I was learning how to live again apart from my other half. Those of you who have been divorced know what I mean. It's so unnatural to have to learn how to exist apart from someone with whom you were one. And here I am FOUR FREEKING YEARS LATER having a cry fest over it all.
On a not so selfish wah wah it's all about me note... Dad's surgery was a success so far. For those that do not know he had to have his leg below the knee amputated due to circulation issues. The surgery was scheduled a week ago and was postponed twice so that has been a stress. Thanks to all who have been praying! I haven't seen him yet as he is still heavily medicated but will be seeing him tomorrow.
Back to my previous blog... I really have got to learn to trust God with all this. It's just so hard to dismiss emotions as being utterly ridiculous... even if they are.
But tonight I will sooth myself with Brandon Rike's emo lyrics and music from his band Dead Poetic's 2nd release New Medicines the song Hostages...
"Ten frozen memories lost into your pool of interrupted thought.
I could have reminisced for hours.
But right now you are all I get to remember.
I'm waiting for something to get through to you.
I'm waiting to see a truer side of you, and we're...
Let's make this quick. I'll bother you, you'll tear it away.
Cut broken enemies off, into your pit of non-valuable losses.
Could have stayed and dreamt for days,
But the sight must be far worse than the taste.
And I'm waiting for something to get through to you.
And I'm waiting to burn compassion into you. and we're..
We don't even know if we're to blame for all of this,
We don't even know if we're in the clear, the clear.
We don't even know if we should bank on any of this
And we don't even know if we'll go,
So let's make this quick. I'll bother you, you'll tear it away.
This isn't happening, leave me with myself."
OK... Maybe it's a little TOO emo for tonight.. but it is a GREAT song.
Did a devotional this morn and I think it really helped me get through the day. I'm excited about finally understanding what the "Daily Bread" magazine thing is great little devotionals!
Anywho. Night.
~Jenna
Thursday, July 2, 2009
What Have I Learned So Far...
Like most people there are days where I feel so far away from God. Then there are days when I feel as though I am hold the clothe of his robe in my hands, like he is holding me near Him and I am literally under His wing of protection and love. Today was one of those days. It was so freeing, so pleasing, and so so peaceful. Then, just to make it a little better I get the "Divorce Care Daily Email" right now I'm on day 106 and we're on the "chapter" "Dealing With Depression" so everyday there is a new sub section in this subject. Today's was "Learn From Depression". Wow. So my immediate response is "Why would anyone want to learn from depression?" I quickly rebuked myself for sounding so stupid in my own head then I started thinking about the things that have happened that have brought me where I am today. Now I am thinking about the first time I understood the word "repent" (thanks Joe Rojas!). You're probably thinking I'm all over the place here, but that's how my crazy ADD mind works... like a collage. So, anyway, I thought of all these different things that I have not wanted to go through but have learned fabulous things because of them. Things about myself, others and most importantly God. So the question... what have I learned from my depression? Well, you won't get the whole answer but there's a few things I can share...
The most important thing I have learned is how God nurtures a broken spirit. Look in Psalm 34:18 it reads "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". Wow... Back sometime ago (I think a year and a half) I was a part of a woman's Bible study at church and one day there was this heaviness in the room. It was during a time when I was really struggling with missing my ex-husband and not knowing how I could move on in anything as a new person completely separated from the woman I had been for so many years. Other women in the group were facing struggles of their own. In fact I think that night every one of us had something going on. Some issues were medical some financial, others relational. And there was just a looming heaviness of heart in the room. We prayed for a very long time and something that Kim (our minister's wife) prayed has stuck with me and will continue to stay with me for a long time. She prayed thanking God for our brokenness because it brings us closer to Him (Psalm 51:17). He too was broken and He is the only one who can truly help us to overcome a broken heart and a broken spirit (Psalm 147:3).
It's amazing when you can look at your situation and all of the sudden realize "wow, i'm not that depressed anymore"... "I'm getting somewhere!"
More posts on "what I've learned from depression" to come... Until then Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans and to those who aren't Americans... Sucks to be you! ;-)
Blessings,
~Jennanana
The most important thing I have learned is how God nurtures a broken spirit. Look in Psalm 34:18 it reads "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". Wow... Back sometime ago (I think a year and a half) I was a part of a woman's Bible study at church and one day there was this heaviness in the room. It was during a time when I was really struggling with missing my ex-husband and not knowing how I could move on in anything as a new person completely separated from the woman I had been for so many years. Other women in the group were facing struggles of their own. In fact I think that night every one of us had something going on. Some issues were medical some financial, others relational. And there was just a looming heaviness of heart in the room. We prayed for a very long time and something that Kim (our minister's wife) prayed has stuck with me and will continue to stay with me for a long time. She prayed thanking God for our brokenness because it brings us closer to Him (Psalm 51:17). He too was broken and He is the only one who can truly help us to overcome a broken heart and a broken spirit (Psalm 147:3).
It's amazing when you can look at your situation and all of the sudden realize "wow, i'm not that depressed anymore"... "I'm getting somewhere!"
More posts on "what I've learned from depression" to come... Until then Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans and to those who aren't Americans... Sucks to be you! ;-)
Blessings,
~Jennanana
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
An Outrage!!!
UGH! So on Sunday I drove 2 hours to go see a band I really wanted to see. When were they ever going to be so close to Maine? That's exactly what I was thinking, and why I drove the distance on a work night to see them... Just an awesome band that goes by Capital Lights! So I bought the ticket on Saturday just to ensure I wouldn't pansy out, as I was going alone. And I totally didn't! I went and when I got there I got the saddest news! The band had an emergency and wasn't going to be able to play!!!!! THIS WAS AN OUTRAGE!;-) Sometimes I swear my life is that movie The Truman Show, you know the one where this dude doesn't know it but his life really IS a movie... When the girl at the door told me that they weren't playing I'm telling you I heard the faint sound of "Wah wah" as I lowered my head in sorrow... It was a very interesting night though! The people at The Revolution Show, which is who put the whole thing on, were so nice when they heard I drove 2 hours (by the end of the night people were saying I drove 3 hours lol) they gave me all kinds of free swag like a tee shirt, bumper sticker and even 2 free tix to the Attaboy show coming up May 29th... They even gave a shout out to me from stage... I was totally embarrassed when they made me wave lol... Aww, who am I kidding? You all know I love attention! :-). I did get to see one band called Kaelum Way, that I thought made the whole trip worth it... They opened with a wonderful instrumental song and played some of their original songs then some worship songs. I am a sucker for worship songs played at concerts... It says so much to me that some ultra talented musician (most of the time lol) feels that he/she should set aside the music they created and sing songs that someone else made up so everyone can worship God in the place. :-) They were awesome!
It was a really great feeling to go by myself to this show... It would have been awesome to go with someone else but it was freeing to find out that I can actually do that! "What's next?" You ask... Well SDS is in Jersey in a couple weeks and I wouldn't be caught dead not there! Did that make sense? Well, I am hoping Jensui can come or if not my mom or both, or somebody else cuz Jersey is a little farther than NH lol.
Well, I wanted to share with the 3 people that read this a really cool email I got... I signed up to receive daily emails from the Divorce Care organization. I'm on day 40 and this has been the most valuable so far... Please note, it is edited a little to keep it short! Contact me if you want the whole email!
"People in grief must learn to say good-bye to what they have lost. Saying good-bye is not a one-time experience, but there will come a day when final good-byes are said....
Mr. Wright continues, "It's when the good-byes are said that you can turn the corner and move ahead."
You may not want to say good-bye, but this is necessary at some point in your recovery process. Saying good-bye does not mean you are closing yourself off from the other person. You are saying good-bye to what you have lost, to the things of the past, and to a relationship that is over. You are experiencing closure to the grief, blame, anger, and emotions that are behind you. A new way of living is before you that may or may not include your former spouse.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).
Lord, a new way of living is before me. My life will be filled with new joys and experiences. Teach me to say good-bye to the old. Amen. "
I hope that helped someone either with a situation that's going on in their lives or understand my situation a little better!
Be Blessed,
~Jennanana
It was a really great feeling to go by myself to this show... It would have been awesome to go with someone else but it was freeing to find out that I can actually do that! "What's next?" You ask... Well SDS is in Jersey in a couple weeks and I wouldn't be caught dead not there! Did that make sense? Well, I am hoping Jensui can come or if not my mom or both, or somebody else cuz Jersey is a little farther than NH lol.
Well, I wanted to share with the 3 people that read this a really cool email I got... I signed up to receive daily emails from the Divorce Care organization. I'm on day 40 and this has been the most valuable so far... Please note, it is edited a little to keep it short! Contact me if you want the whole email!
"People in grief must learn to say good-bye to what they have lost. Saying good-bye is not a one-time experience, but there will come a day when final good-byes are said....
Mr. Wright continues, "It's when the good-byes are said that you can turn the corner and move ahead."
You may not want to say good-bye, but this is necessary at some point in your recovery process. Saying good-bye does not mean you are closing yourself off from the other person. You are saying good-bye to what you have lost, to the things of the past, and to a relationship that is over. You are experiencing closure to the grief, blame, anger, and emotions that are behind you. A new way of living is before you that may or may not include your former spouse.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).
Lord, a new way of living is before me. My life will be filled with new joys and experiences. Teach me to say good-bye to the old. Amen. "
I hope that helped someone either with a situation that's going on in their lives or understand my situation a little better!
Be Blessed,
~Jennanana
Monday, April 20, 2009
When I Was A Child I Acted Like I Do Now....
So I'm sitting here listening to a string quartet tribute to the band UnderOath and it's totally rad! Anyway.......
I haven't been running. Like a good girl I have listened to the doctor, even though I desperately want to run. I never would have thought I would have become so into running but nothing has helped get my frustration out like running. When I was young I was a super angry and violent kid. If you don't believe me ask my sisters, they will tell you stories that will scare you. One night when I was on the verge of a blow out with my mom she came up with the idea of giving me a baseball bat and told me to take it to my bed and beat the crap out of my bed instead of bringing the frustration to her and my sisters. So I did and it worked! The only problem is... I grew up! I look like a fool beating the shiznit out of my bed with a baseball bat! So with all the frustration of having to completely uproot my entire life (new home, new job, new car, no husband, no money, a billion bills b/c my name was on EVERYTHING and someone decided he did not need to be responsible for things he should have been) I was becoming a bit overwhelmed. I had gotten advice from a random lady in a random chatroom, based on helping people newly divorced, to try running. I think this was the most important advice I got throughout the divorce time. I already knew I could and would go to God and He would get me through but I didn't know what to go with this extra energy fueled by anger and i desperately did not want to project the anger and hurt onto any of my friends or family at this time. So I tried it. I loved it! I listened to UnderOath's "They're Only Chasing Safety" and Kids In the Way's "Apparitions" and ran. I was way out in the country so not many people heard me attempting to scream my way through "I'm Content With Losing" and "A Boy Brushed Red"... Good times! The best thing was when I was coming back to the driveway, it was a long driveway and I would find my awesome cat Cadence waiting to race me down the driveway then rub all over my face when I collapsed on the grass :-). I am so thankful that God brought that lady from the chatroom for the 5 minutes we talked. It was such a "God Thang" as cliche as it is to say it... how else do you explain it? I suppose you could just say right place right time but that sucks and is so boring! Lol! :-) So I think I forgot to mention I can't run right now while my docs are working on getting my heart rate down with some new medicine. They are estimating 2 months before I can go back to it. And it has really got me down! But I'll push through and work on strengthening for now and then when I can run ( in JUNE :-( ) I may be able to run more better er er!
Anyway, that's all...
Be Blessed,
~Jennanana
I haven't been running. Like a good girl I have listened to the doctor, even though I desperately want to run. I never would have thought I would have become so into running but nothing has helped get my frustration out like running. When I was young I was a super angry and violent kid. If you don't believe me ask my sisters, they will tell you stories that will scare you. One night when I was on the verge of a blow out with my mom she came up with the idea of giving me a baseball bat and told me to take it to my bed and beat the crap out of my bed instead of bringing the frustration to her and my sisters. So I did and it worked! The only problem is... I grew up! I look like a fool beating the shiznit out of my bed with a baseball bat! So with all the frustration of having to completely uproot my entire life (new home, new job, new car, no husband, no money, a billion bills b/c my name was on EVERYTHING and someone decided he did not need to be responsible for things he should have been) I was becoming a bit overwhelmed. I had gotten advice from a random lady in a random chatroom, based on helping people newly divorced, to try running. I think this was the most important advice I got throughout the divorce time. I already knew I could and would go to God and He would get me through but I didn't know what to go with this extra energy fueled by anger and i desperately did not want to project the anger and hurt onto any of my friends or family at this time. So I tried it. I loved it! I listened to UnderOath's "They're Only Chasing Safety" and Kids In the Way's "Apparitions" and ran. I was way out in the country so not many people heard me attempting to scream my way through "I'm Content With Losing" and "A Boy Brushed Red"... Good times! The best thing was when I was coming back to the driveway, it was a long driveway and I would find my awesome cat Cadence waiting to race me down the driveway then rub all over my face when I collapsed on the grass :-). I am so thankful that God brought that lady from the chatroom for the 5 minutes we talked. It was such a "God Thang" as cliche as it is to say it... how else do you explain it? I suppose you could just say right place right time but that sucks and is so boring! Lol! :-) So I think I forgot to mention I can't run right now while my docs are working on getting my heart rate down with some new medicine. They are estimating 2 months before I can go back to it. And it has really got me down! But I'll push through and work on strengthening for now and then when I can run ( in JUNE :-( ) I may be able to run more better er er!
Anyway, that's all...
Be Blessed,
~Jennanana
Sunday, April 12, 2009
More Ramblings....
Happy Easter! I have always loved this day. As kids it always meant lots of candy and fun silly toys. Not to mention great breakfasts and dinners. But since falling in love with Jesus many years back this day has been something more. I still get the candy and the toys (thanks Mom!!) and the dinners and such but I have such joy in celebrating this day! Joy is often times missing in my life so I eat it up big time when it's found and today (for the most part) was joyous! Worship at church was wonderful! I think it would have been even better if Scott were there but we definitely made do. Vince played the electric guitar and we had a special appearance by John on the drum kit! Scooter did a special song about how blessings tend to hide in the trials in life and it was awesome!
Today would have been a good day for the rapture I think. I cannot wait until "some sweet day I'll sing up there the song of victory!" How spectacular it is going to be to hug my Jesus, like physically hug Him! Good times... good times!
This week has been a very difficult one for me. We've had issues at work. Major issues at work *rolls eyes*. Divorce Care on Wed. was very emotional. It really is great to hang out with people who have gone through or are going through divorce and have someone that actually understands where I am coming from. I love my friends and family but other then my mom I don't really talk to anyone who really understands what comes with divorce. We were talking about how everything seems to go to heck when people decide to get divorced and how they act like children throughout it and someone brought up a really great point. Divorce is something that God HATES, it is not off Him, it is not right, therefore since it is not of Him it's going to be something of the devil and in turn something very messy and confusing (God says confusion comes from Satan) and just not good for you. I wondered why I was so sick both emotionally and physically for a very long time when I first got divorced and now I know why. And this is how it should be. If something that is not of God enters in so close it should make any follower of Christ absolutely sick. If it doesn't I would say there is something wrong. If it doesn't I would say that person needs to open up there Bible and read a few things like Mark 10: 2-12 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. Right in Malachi 2:16 it says "'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel".
If God hates it shouldn't we? I know I hate it but you probably already guessed that....
Enough rambling for tonight...
Happy Easter to all!
~Jennanana
Today would have been a good day for the rapture I think. I cannot wait until "some sweet day I'll sing up there the song of victory!" How spectacular it is going to be to hug my Jesus, like physically hug Him! Good times... good times!
This week has been a very difficult one for me. We've had issues at work. Major issues at work *rolls eyes*. Divorce Care on Wed. was very emotional. It really is great to hang out with people who have gone through or are going through divorce and have someone that actually understands where I am coming from. I love my friends and family but other then my mom I don't really talk to anyone who really understands what comes with divorce. We were talking about how everything seems to go to heck when people decide to get divorced and how they act like children throughout it and someone brought up a really great point. Divorce is something that God HATES, it is not off Him, it is not right, therefore since it is not of Him it's going to be something of the devil and in turn something very messy and confusing (God says confusion comes from Satan) and just not good for you. I wondered why I was so sick both emotionally and physically for a very long time when I first got divorced and now I know why. And this is how it should be. If something that is not of God enters in so close it should make any follower of Christ absolutely sick. If it doesn't I would say there is something wrong. If it doesn't I would say that person needs to open up there Bible and read a few things like Mark 10: 2-12 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. Right in Malachi 2:16 it says "'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel".
If God hates it shouldn't we? I know I hate it but you probably already guessed that....
Enough rambling for tonight...
Happy Easter to all!
~Jennanana
Friday, March 27, 2009
So I have decided I do not know what to blog about any more. My life seems to be the same ol sad story every time I try to write it.
I still hate being divorced. I have joined something called Divorce Care, which is a support group but run by The Vineyard. I like it because it is Christ centered and if this whole ordeal taught me anything it taught me to make sure everything I do is Christ centered. This last week we went over the topic of "new relationships" dun dun dunnnn... Apparently I'm slow at recovering because the people that created the whole book and dvd thing say that you should wait 1 year for every 4 you were married before ou get into another relationship. So using this equation I "could" have started dating wayyyyyyy back in Sept 2007... HOLY FRICKIN CRAP PEOPLE! it still unnerves me just thinking about going on a date with a boy...ahem, man (teehehe). Anyway the book has some really great ways to check yourself before getting into anything before you are healed to the point where you don't bring the hurt and anger from the failed marriage into the new relationship.
I feel like I'm in a valley. I can't get out of it on either side. But there is hope and I know this. There is sonshine in my valley, and I know that is all I really need. I want to live my life like the Valley Song by Jars of Clay....
You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
Alleluia, alleluia
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
Yeah
Alleluia, alleluia
Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy
On another sad note my dear friends Ken and Melissa are moving on Sunday to Tennessee and I'm very sad. I don't remember being this sad about friends going their way before. I am going to miss them a lot... like A LOT! And with them leaving Scott leaves for a month for his tour, and I'm going to miss him but only a little ;-)
An a not sad note I have re-found my As Cities Burn "Come Now Sleep" cd and that makes me extremely happy!!!! I have found this to be an album full of raw emotion and wonderful messages in the music. Definitely a band I have in my top 5... which, as most of you know, is VERY selective!
Anyway, to bed I go.
Thank You, Jesus, for getting me through so far!
~Jenna
I still hate being divorced. I have joined something called Divorce Care, which is a support group but run by The Vineyard. I like it because it is Christ centered and if this whole ordeal taught me anything it taught me to make sure everything I do is Christ centered. This last week we went over the topic of "new relationships" dun dun dunnnn... Apparently I'm slow at recovering because the people that created the whole book and dvd thing say that you should wait 1 year for every 4 you were married before ou get into another relationship. So using this equation I "could" have started dating wayyyyyyy back in Sept 2007... HOLY FRICKIN CRAP PEOPLE! it still unnerves me just thinking about going on a date with a boy...ahem, man (teehehe). Anyway the book has some really great ways to check yourself before getting into anything before you are healed to the point where you don't bring the hurt and anger from the failed marriage into the new relationship.
I feel like I'm in a valley. I can't get out of it on either side. But there is hope and I know this. There is sonshine in my valley, and I know that is all I really need. I want to live my life like the Valley Song by Jars of Clay....
You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
Alleluia, alleluia
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
Yeah
Alleluia, alleluia
Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy
On another sad note my dear friends Ken and Melissa are moving on Sunday to Tennessee and I'm very sad. I don't remember being this sad about friends going their way before. I am going to miss them a lot... like A LOT! And with them leaving Scott leaves for a month for his tour, and I'm going to miss him but only a little ;-)
An a not sad note I have re-found my As Cities Burn "Come Now Sleep" cd and that makes me extremely happy!!!! I have found this to be an album full of raw emotion and wonderful messages in the music. Definitely a band I have in my top 5... which, as most of you know, is VERY selective!
Anyway, to bed I go.
Thank You, Jesus, for getting me through so far!
~Jenna
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sorrow and Joy Met One Day On the Road To My Heart
When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."
There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
"Calmer Of the Storm" by Downhere
So, I've had a bad few days. Maybe being alone isn't the best thing lol. I really do enjoy the time I have to do whatever, playing my bass, my xbox, singing and dancing like a fool etc... But lately I can't stop thinking of the divorce. Not that I have ever stopped thinking about it but it seems to be on my mind a lot more. It's more than likely due to the fact that a friend of mine is about to get a divorce and another friend of mine is getting married and my little sister is getting married, a whole bunch of friends are pregnant... and here I am. In my hometown, in my mom's house. I'm tired of feeling stuck but at the same time I know I'm not stuck. Maybe physically and locationally I am stuck but, though I still miss my husband and wish we could have worked our way through our issues instead of giving up, I have moved on with my life as I have had to to survive. You know? The song posted above was brought up by someone the other day and I had to chuckle because it reminded me of a beautiful letter Ryan had written me when we were dating. Then started the chain effect and all these little cute things that he said starts popping into my mind, I sooo wish there were a button to turn of this flood of emotion that is a result of these memories. But there isn't and even if there were I don't think i would use it. I think it's so weird when people tell me not to "look back" and stuff. Short of amnesia, how am I supposed to forget something, someone that changed my life forever? Why am I expected to go on forever thinking he's not "good enough" for me when I gave him my vows on June 26th, 2005? If i could "get over" someone so quickly why would I have married him in the first place? It's an asinine assumption, but it is 2009 and I supposed I should not be surprised...
Anyway. In the midst of all this sorrow I am soooooo very delighted that I can smile and feel the joy of Jesus. Seriously, I'm not even just saying that b/c I am a Christian. Sometimes the joy is almost overwhelming, hence my random "I like Jesus" or "I love Jesus" outbursts (and you all thought I was just trying to get attention lol). It's sad that it took losing the "earthly" (sorry for the cliche) love of my life to become so much closer with the TRUE "eternal" love of my life. *sigh*
Night everyone!
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Love,
~Jennanana
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."
There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
"Calmer Of the Storm" by Downhere
So, I've had a bad few days. Maybe being alone isn't the best thing lol. I really do enjoy the time I have to do whatever, playing my bass, my xbox, singing and dancing like a fool etc... But lately I can't stop thinking of the divorce. Not that I have ever stopped thinking about it but it seems to be on my mind a lot more. It's more than likely due to the fact that a friend of mine is about to get a divorce and another friend of mine is getting married and my little sister is getting married, a whole bunch of friends are pregnant... and here I am. In my hometown, in my mom's house. I'm tired of feeling stuck but at the same time I know I'm not stuck. Maybe physically and locationally I am stuck but, though I still miss my husband and wish we could have worked our way through our issues instead of giving up, I have moved on with my life as I have had to to survive. You know? The song posted above was brought up by someone the other day and I had to chuckle because it reminded me of a beautiful letter Ryan had written me when we were dating. Then started the chain effect and all these little cute things that he said starts popping into my mind, I sooo wish there were a button to turn of this flood of emotion that is a result of these memories. But there isn't and even if there were I don't think i would use it. I think it's so weird when people tell me not to "look back" and stuff. Short of amnesia, how am I supposed to forget something, someone that changed my life forever? Why am I expected to go on forever thinking he's not "good enough" for me when I gave him my vows on June 26th, 2005? If i could "get over" someone so quickly why would I have married him in the first place? It's an asinine assumption, but it is 2009 and I supposed I should not be surprised...
Anyway. In the midst of all this sorrow I am soooooo very delighted that I can smile and feel the joy of Jesus. Seriously, I'm not even just saying that b/c I am a Christian. Sometimes the joy is almost overwhelming, hence my random "I like Jesus" or "I love Jesus" outbursts (and you all thought I was just trying to get attention lol). It's sad that it took losing the "earthly" (sorry for the cliche) love of my life to become so much closer with the TRUE "eternal" love of my life. *sigh*
Night everyone!
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Love,
~Jennanana
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The Emptiness Is Taking Me.....
How many years have we waited
For a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
Chasing a love that was not our own?
I sat ashore and watched
As one hopeless wave crashed upon another
While my thoughts ran to the highest hills
My heart never reached the sea
With only delusions of an endless journey
I am left with an ocean between you and me
Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
Of someone else’s dream
The gate to my heart has been weld shut
With the splendor of my aspirations closed in
How many years have we waited
For a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
Chasing a love that was not our own?
Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
Of someone else’s dream
-An Ocean Between Us by As I Lay Dying
Ah, a truly depressing song to aid my truly depressed mood. So, I have been sad for the past few days. It started on Thanksgiving when we had to put one of our cats, Mia, down. It was sad and all but I'm pretty sure that's not the cause of my sadness. It was this way last year too. I'm not quite sure why I am so sad but I know it has to do with the Holidays and being (I bet you can guess it)... without Ryan. I know how dumb I must sound to most people, heck, I sound dumb to myself. I'm done justifying why it is that I feel this way because it doesn't really matter. The fact is i miss someone I love and still feel "The Great Sadness" of it. For the last 6 days I've felt a constant heaviness in my chest. You know, the feeling you get when your about to cry over something super sad. It feels as though I could break down sobbing at any moment. I know the snow didn't help my blues any, as Ryan and I enjoyed the winter time together. It's fun to remember the wonderful times we had in the snow, but still so painful.
So I'm thinking that I'm broken. Well, I know I am, but even that's ok. I'm reminded of something my pastors wife told me at a Bible study we had last year. At the time it was the first "Holiday Season" without Ryan and I was really sad. But a lot of the other women in the Bible study were having some things going on and there was this united feeling of brokenness among us. Kim said something along the lines of "Sometimes it's good to be broken. Even God himself was broken with grief for His son, Jesus. He was broken when Adam and Eve fell, and He is broken anytime a child of His leaves His side for something fleeting." It led me to the beautiful verse in Psalms 147:3 "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." Oh, how I long to be healed of this pain. But at the same time it brings so much joy that I was loved like Ryan loved me and that even through everything that went down, I can honestly say I do still love him. That doesn't mean I'm not sad, and very hurt, and VERY angry about everything that took place after he told me he was divorcing me. It's been a hard road and I know it will continue to be, but I'm pretty sure I have the right guide, the right protector and the right love carrying me through this. I truly wish everyone on this planet could feel the love I feel from Jesus. It is no doubt what I was made for. As TobyMac says:
I was made to love You
I was made to find You
I was made just for You
Made to adore You
I was made to love and be loved by You
You were here before me
You were waiting on me
And you said You’d keep me never would You leave me
I was made to love
And be loved by You
"God demonstrates His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8.
Love real people!
~Jennanana
For a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
Chasing a love that was not our own?
I sat ashore and watched
As one hopeless wave crashed upon another
While my thoughts ran to the highest hills
My heart never reached the sea
With only delusions of an endless journey
I am left with an ocean between you and me
Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
Of someone else’s dream
The gate to my heart has been weld shut
With the splendor of my aspirations closed in
How many years have we waited
For a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
Chasing a love that was not our own?
Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
Of someone else’s dream
-An Ocean Between Us by As I Lay Dying
Ah, a truly depressing song to aid my truly depressed mood. So, I have been sad for the past few days. It started on Thanksgiving when we had to put one of our cats, Mia, down. It was sad and all but I'm pretty sure that's not the cause of my sadness. It was this way last year too. I'm not quite sure why I am so sad but I know it has to do with the Holidays and being (I bet you can guess it)... without Ryan. I know how dumb I must sound to most people, heck, I sound dumb to myself. I'm done justifying why it is that I feel this way because it doesn't really matter. The fact is i miss someone I love and still feel "The Great Sadness" of it. For the last 6 days I've felt a constant heaviness in my chest. You know, the feeling you get when your about to cry over something super sad. It feels as though I could break down sobbing at any moment. I know the snow didn't help my blues any, as Ryan and I enjoyed the winter time together. It's fun to remember the wonderful times we had in the snow, but still so painful.
So I'm thinking that I'm broken. Well, I know I am, but even that's ok. I'm reminded of something my pastors wife told me at a Bible study we had last year. At the time it was the first "Holiday Season" without Ryan and I was really sad. But a lot of the other women in the Bible study were having some things going on and there was this united feeling of brokenness among us. Kim said something along the lines of "Sometimes it's good to be broken. Even God himself was broken with grief for His son, Jesus. He was broken when Adam and Eve fell, and He is broken anytime a child of His leaves His side for something fleeting." It led me to the beautiful verse in Psalms 147:3 "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." Oh, how I long to be healed of this pain. But at the same time it brings so much joy that I was loved like Ryan loved me and that even through everything that went down, I can honestly say I do still love him. That doesn't mean I'm not sad, and very hurt, and VERY angry about everything that took place after he told me he was divorcing me. It's been a hard road and I know it will continue to be, but I'm pretty sure I have the right guide, the right protector and the right love carrying me through this. I truly wish everyone on this planet could feel the love I feel from Jesus. It is no doubt what I was made for. As TobyMac says:
I was made to love You
I was made to find You
I was made just for You
Made to adore You
I was made to love and be loved by You
You were here before me
You were waiting on me
And you said You’d keep me never would You leave me
I was made to love
And be loved by You
"God demonstrates His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8.
Love real people!
~Jennanana
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)