Placing Burdens in My Hands...

I really feel like poop these days... if you haven't guessed. Physically I feel better then I have in years. I think it's the running and eating less junk. But I just don't feel right, I can't really keep much food down even if I'm hungry and it's frustrating because I'm a big believer in eating lol. I really wish I had taken summer classes! I guess I could be in the Word more than I am currently. I've been writing a lot again not just in this blog, but maybe someday I'll put something that I wrote on my blog lol. Maybe I should pick up my bass guitar and work on that... wow, I shouldn't be bored at all lol.

I've been thinking a lot of Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up conflict but love covers over all wrongs". I really feel that there is a lot of hatred from John towards me right now... I wouldn't have said that 2 weeks ago but things have developed and words have been said and now I can't help but wonder what happened? (Not that I haven't been wondering that all along) I'm a peculiar person. I've been in a total of two relationships with men I thought (really thought) I would spend forever with... One ended in a heart-wrenching divorce and the other, just ended. I've not had the privilege to sit with these men and figure out what happened to change the way they felt about me. I don't foresee me having this privilege. It sucks, because I really want that kind of closure (not so much for the marriage as it has been years and I have mostly healed from that) BUT I know that I do not NEED it to get through this. God carried me through the divorce and I know He can and will carry me through this. But as I have resigned to defeat in first my marriage and now my relationship with John I just don't understand why someone would try to make it harder. I never saw any of this coming so I guess I shouldn't expect or not expect things to follow any sort of "path" I had imagined.
I'm just tired, you know? I'm tired of this sort of pain and the knowledge that I opened myself up to this pain the minute I decided to enter into another relationship. I'm tired of fighting and I'm so so sooo tired of the feeling I have in my stomach every time he is mentioned. I'm tired of feeling like a failure who "doesn't know how to keep her man"... thank you for saying that by the way (you know who you are).

When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past

I'm sad for the guy that wrote that song. It explains my heart so well right now. As much as I wanted things to turn out differently I know that right now if the relationship had continued the consequences would have been worse and the pain would have been even harder to deal with.
It's another lesson in trusting the Almighty with my over sensitive heart I think. I wish I didn't have to learn this way but it's better than not learning at all I suppose. I read that God will do what He must to be the center of your life. I know I can always work on keeping Him the center and I know I let John be that for me at times and even with this realization and confession the pain is still just as thick.
I'm going to try to find something to do on this rainy Friday night... Anyone up for X-Men or Pirates? ;-)

When I Was A Child I Acted Like I Do Now....

So I'm sitting here listening to a string quartet tribute to the band UnderOath and it's totally rad! Anyway.......
I haven't been running. Like a good girl I have listened to the doctor, even though I desperately want to run. I never would have thought I would have become so into running but nothing has helped get my frustration out like running. When I was young I was a super angry and violent kid. If you don't believe me ask my sisters, they will tell you stories that will scare you. One night when I was on the verge of a blow out with my mom she came up with the idea of giving me a baseball bat and told me to take it to my bed and beat the crap out of my bed instead of bringing the frustration to her and my sisters. So I did and it worked! The only problem is... I grew up! I look like a fool beating the shiznit out of my bed with a baseball bat! So with all the frustration of having to completely uproot my entire life (new home, new job, new car, no husband, no money, a billion bills b/c my name was on EVERYTHING and someone decided he did not need to be responsible for things he should have been) I was becoming a bit overwhelmed. I had gotten advice from a random lady in a random chatroom, based on helping people newly divorced, to try running. I think this was the most important advice I got throughout the divorce time. I already knew I could and would go to God and He would get me through but I didn't know what to go with this extra energy fueled by anger and i desperately did not want to project the anger and hurt onto any of my friends or family at this time. So I tried it. I loved it! I listened to UnderOath's "They're Only Chasing Safety" and Kids In the Way's "Apparitions" and ran. I was way out in the country so not many people heard me attempting to scream my way through "I'm Content With Losing" and "A Boy Brushed Red"... Good times! The best thing was when I was coming back to the driveway, it was a long driveway and I would find my awesome cat Cadence waiting to race me down the driveway then rub all over my face when I collapsed on the grass :-). I am so thankful that God brought that lady from the chatroom for the 5 minutes we talked. It was such a "God Thang" as cliche as it is to say it... how else do you explain it? I suppose you could just say right place right time but that sucks and is so boring! Lol! :-) So I think I forgot to mention I can't run right now while my docs are working on getting my heart rate down with some new medicine. They are estimating 2 months before I can go back to it. And it has really got me down! But I'll push through and work on strengthening for now and then when I can run ( in JUNE :-( ) I may be able to run more better er er!
Anyway, that's all...
Be Blessed,
~Jennanana