Living Broken...

Well, the UnderOath concert was absolutely AMAZING! I'll write more about that another time as I have other things on my heart tonight.
I am so totally sold out to Jesus. Madly in love. Reminded everyday that I am blessed beyond comprehension and WAYYYYYY beyond what I deserve. I have screwed up so much in my life and He continues to woo my heart while I throw my little temper tantrums and spit in His face. I was reminded again today in a very powerful and painful way that He is truly, TRULY looking out for me. He plucked me from the path of destruction when I didn't even realize I was destroying myself and all I have done for months is whine and cry over it, thinking this is His punishment for slipping up and not obeying Him in all things but today my eyes were opened. I don't want anything to cause me to stumble in front of Christ and I'm the idiot who keeps moving those giant blocks I can't hurdle right in my path with the full knowledge that the block i just moved is 3 times my height and I don't know how to get myself out of the mess i just made for myself. Anyway, I've had a frustrating day, news about the ex-husband I wish I didn't know, our refrigerator died, I couldn't find the eye liner i wanted at Ulta (uber important!), and a very unexpected phone call. But yes, I'm stuck at the revelation God has given me today. I'm so broken hearted for my brothers and sisters who are so deceived by the tempter and his wiles that they knowingly and willing turn their back on God's word and make a mockery of what He has called His children to be like. Not only that but they add to the world's already super tainted view of Christianity as THE hypocritical religion. It's so frustrating and I wish they would just open their Bibles and start reading! Jesus wasn't like "well, as my followers, as my adopted children, co-heirs with me, here are some rules that I don't really care if you follow or not" No way! He was like "This is going to be hard, the world is going to try and entice you to follow them but this is important! Follow me, live upright, don't murder, don't hate, don't steal, don't fornicate, don't idolize anyone. Live in the world but don't live like the world. You will be noticed and you will be effective for My kingdom this way!!!"
It's great to love Christ! It's so so so important to love Him, but after that we're still here... We still have a job to do. We have lives to change by showing them the purity and beauty of Christ and it can't be done by acting like this dark, dirty world. WAKE UP CHRISTIANS! Don't let yourselves be deceived and disqualified to be a light for Christ. Think of what He sacrificed for you and ask yourselves if what you want, your sin, is more important than taking Christ off that cross. You continue to live your life in willing sin it's just like your driving another nail in his hands. It's absurd! You know the truth, you've lived by the truth, and your going to do something contrary to it? You know the consequence and your still going to walk away from what is right??? REALLY?
Oh, God it breaks my heart! I love these people and they walk away just like that and it seriously breaks my heart. I don't know what to do with this kind of pain, and it's frustrating. I ran today to try and alleviate and it worked a little but not enough. I think this is like the demon that Jesus cast out of the sick boy after coming down from the mountain where His transfiguration took place. His disciples couldn't cast the demon out and Jesus came and talked with the boy's father then commanded the evil spirit to come out of the boy. Later, the disciples asked Jesus why they weren't able to cast this demon out like they had been able to in many other cases. Jesus replied to them (Matthew 17:21) "this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting" (if you have a NIV Bible you may have to read the footnotes for this verse, as they put something else in the actual passage). I think it's going to take some hard-core praying to ease the pain from this brokenness.
Good night!
~Jenna

I'm Content With Losing...

So today is the big UnderOath concert in Portland. I'm very excited for it. I'm also sad. I remember playing UnderOath for John for the first time. He loved them. It was another one of our favorite bands. And now I finally get to see them but have to see them alone. It really sucks. He was pretty much my only friend that truly enjoyed the same kind of music I enjoy and it was so much fun. I wish I didn't miss him so darn much! I know things turned out this way right now for a reason, and I'm grateful that I'm being spared more heartache because quite frankly I don't think I could take any more.
On a lighter note Shanon and Scott have been up here on vacation. It's been so nice hanging with them and Jen and Jason again and even nicer on Sundays when the Littlefields and others from church are involved. I find I'm turning into more of a social being these days. I'm looking forward to tonight because I know there's going to be a lot of people around and it should be fun! How, un-emo of me lol.
With that said I must be off to get lots of stuff done before tonight!
Adios,
~Jenna

Birthday Blog...

I don't feel like celebrating my birth today. It's so hard to get used to "celebrating" without a loved one that meant so much on days like these. Just wish I could fast forward to when my heart doesn't feel so shattered and empty. In the meantime I'm trying to lean on God and trust His good plan for my life. It's just that He and I sometimes disagree on "good".
Oh, Lord I look forward to the day You remove the curse from this wretched land and You set things right so my heart isn't in constant conflict with Your way and so I can be with You.
Did you know shepherd's used to break the legs of young sheep who constantly wondered away from the fold? Wellllllll, I'm doing research on this and I'm finding it's not what I and most everyone thought it was. I'm going to finish my research before presenting this, don't want to continue leading people astray in this stuff. So yes, I will keep you on the edge of your seat... Ha ha ha...
Goodnight!
~Jenna

I Open My Eyes To the Breathtaking Splendor Of Brand New Skies...

So today started as the hardest day in the past 3 years of my existence. I stayed in bed willing my body to sleep until noon, just because I didn't want to go through another day. I didn't want to think about John and I didn't want to know that I had nothing to do, that another weekend was passing that I wasn't hanging with my best friend when it was all he and I used to really hang out on. And summer makes it even harder because I have so many good memories of us at Pine Point with Benny... It's so hard to let go of something you thought was so good. Anyway, I finally dragged myself out of bed and found mom in the living room and just started balling again. She tried to find the words to help but there just wasn't any. I just needed to cry. It's hard to learn someone you thought you knew so well was someone else, especially when you let that someone into your heart so deeply after your heart was torn apart by another man who was supposed to be someone else. Having nothing to do I could have sat there all day and cried, easily. But I took a shower and dressed put on some makeup to cover the crazy swollen eyes and packed a bag of stuff and took off. I didn't know where I was going but I did know at some point today I was going to end up at a beach somewhere.
I drove to Georgetown. Don't know why, it just seemed like a good idea. Saw the prettiest spot. It was a cove with an island right in the middle of the opening to the wide open sea. There was a little fog on the water and from where I was looking there was a sea-rose bush on a little hill overlooking the cove... it was breath-taking. I took a picture of it but it doesn't do it justice. So I drove around Georgetown looking for a pier that I had been to once, long ago, but didn't find it so I decided to scoot over to Popham again.
It was like 4 when I got there and there wasn't many people but i trekked to an open spot on the beach, away from everyone, and laid down on my sweatshirt and other random articles of clothing as I did not bring a blanket and slept for like an hour. Then I decided to read for a little bit. I look up like 30 minutes later look to my left and right and see absolutely NO ONE on the beach... Weird. So I took the opportunity and managed to put my running clothes on under my other clothes (thank goodness for skirts!) and went for a run on the beach. I ran a good two miles and there was no one there. It was so amazing. There was a storm rolling in at the same time and the thunder was starting while the sky was darkening and moving fast. It was such an amazing feeling to be the only one there. So I was singing to the music playing on my zune, We Came As Romans, and it was really nice. Every runners dream right? ;-)
Well, i got back to my stuff and decided to start packing up to leave so I got to my car just as the lightening show started. So i threw my stuff in the car and went back out to watch from the rocks when something amazing happened. There was a few flashes of lightening but this really mean looking cloud was moving really fast from the other side of the cove and as it moved the sky behind it was clear, then a little piece of a rainbow came into view. It brought to mind God's promise to Noah and made me think of God's promises to me. I've been thinking about them a lot recently because of what has been going on but seeing this really spoke to my troubled spirit. I heard God whisper to me today. "This storm will pass, and My promise will prevail, but know there are more storms ahead". I really felt this being spoken to my soul and it comforted me.
I know I'm still going to struggle with this and I do not like it at all but a little comfort goes a long ways in times like these. It's a humbling and invigorating thing when you hear God speak to you I think...

"I open up my eyes oh Lord, to see all the things You’ve done
I open up my heart oh God, to feel Your unfailing love
I open up my all to You, all my life for Your glory shown
I open up my soul to You alone, come make yourself at home
And I’ll give all I have left to give
Cause it’s everything I am, Lord
And this life I’ll spend it all for You
I’ll waste it all on You
I offer up my mind to You, I long for the truth You know
I offer up my feet to You, they’ll walk straight on the path You show
I offer up my time to You, so keep me and hold me stillhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
I offer up my hands to You, Lord use them to do Your will
Let Your Spirit take me over God,
Cause it’s all I’ll ever need, yeah You’re all I’ll ever need Lord
Receive this life an offering God
Cause I’ve spent it all on You, yeah I’ll spend it all on You God"
---Ascend The Hill "Spend It All"

Be Blessed,
~Jenna

PS... my next post may be emo... and that's ok!

Placing Burdens in My Hands...

I really feel like poop these days... if you haven't guessed. Physically I feel better then I have in years. I think it's the running and eating less junk. But I just don't feel right, I can't really keep much food down even if I'm hungry and it's frustrating because I'm a big believer in eating lol. I really wish I had taken summer classes! I guess I could be in the Word more than I am currently. I've been writing a lot again not just in this blog, but maybe someday I'll put something that I wrote on my blog lol. Maybe I should pick up my bass guitar and work on that... wow, I shouldn't be bored at all lol.

I've been thinking a lot of Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up conflict but love covers over all wrongs". I really feel that there is a lot of hatred from John towards me right now... I wouldn't have said that 2 weeks ago but things have developed and words have been said and now I can't help but wonder what happened? (Not that I haven't been wondering that all along) I'm a peculiar person. I've been in a total of two relationships with men I thought (really thought) I would spend forever with... One ended in a heart-wrenching divorce and the other, just ended. I've not had the privilege to sit with these men and figure out what happened to change the way they felt about me. I don't foresee me having this privilege. It sucks, because I really want that kind of closure (not so much for the marriage as it has been years and I have mostly healed from that) BUT I know that I do not NEED it to get through this. God carried me through the divorce and I know He can and will carry me through this. But as I have resigned to defeat in first my marriage and now my relationship with John I just don't understand why someone would try to make it harder. I never saw any of this coming so I guess I shouldn't expect or not expect things to follow any sort of "path" I had imagined.
I'm just tired, you know? I'm tired of this sort of pain and the knowledge that I opened myself up to this pain the minute I decided to enter into another relationship. I'm tired of fighting and I'm so so sooo tired of the feeling I have in my stomach every time he is mentioned. I'm tired of feeling like a failure who "doesn't know how to keep her man"... thank you for saying that by the way (you know who you are).

When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past

I'm sad for the guy that wrote that song. It explains my heart so well right now. As much as I wanted things to turn out differently I know that right now if the relationship had continued the consequences would have been worse and the pain would have been even harder to deal with.
It's another lesson in trusting the Almighty with my over sensitive heart I think. I wish I didn't have to learn this way but it's better than not learning at all I suppose. I read that God will do what He must to be the center of your life. I know I can always work on keeping Him the center and I know I let John be that for me at times and even with this realization and confession the pain is still just as thick.
I'm going to try to find something to do on this rainy Friday night... Anyone up for X-Men or Pirates? ;-)