I have a heavy heart today. The kind that physically feels wrong, and emotionally just hurts. A dear, sweet friend of mine had to make a decision yesterday and decided to begin the process of divorcing her husband. Since I am only friends with her I know only one side of the situation and so I cannot, nor do i care to, comment on the right or wrong aspect of this decision, all I know is she is in pain and it breaks my heart. From what I do know her situation is quite similar to mine, even though my ex-husband was the one to file and divorce me. Having been through this tragedy and coming out on the other end alive I have been trying desperately to be of some use and comfort to her in this but it seems after coming up with so many great things to say to myself in the past 7 years I can find nothing to say to her that seems comforting or helpful. I feel my emotions start to crash in as I remember the pain and the constant, never-ending thinking I dealt with at that stage of the divorce. The thoughts of "if I do this, maybe he will change his mind before the court date," or "maybe if I were prettier, or skinny, maybe he'll remember he loves me." At the time I was going through this I was 20, and of course no one in my circle of friends had gone through anything like it so I thought all these things were unique to me in this situation. In talking with my friend she told me she is going through the same thing, asking the same questions, not sleeping because she can't stop thinking and I realized my thought process throughout the divorce was not unique. I keep trying to remember what I wanted and needed to hear when I was going through this, and what was more painful than helpful.
As I try to fill my brain with the right things to say I find myself remembering things I don't really want to remember and while that sucks it's really hopeful to me that I've actually forgotten these things! I remember thinking, "I will never get through this pain, I'll never forget how much more this thing or that thing hurts while I'm already hurting." and yet I did forget, and I'm quite glad. But still the heaviness of heart is present, but I think I would be concerned if it were not. Divorce is no small matter. Yeah, it may be common in the world today but what horrible thing isn't? A couple years ago I was going through a really awesome systematic theology class and I had to get this killer 1200+ page textbook called the "Evangelical Dictionary of Theology (my second fav textbook so far) and I don't remember what part we were studying at the time but there was a section on divorce and it went into the etymology of the word for divorce used in the Old Testament; "The word "divorce" in the phrase "bill of divorcement" is related to the word for hewing down trees, even cutting off heads. It indicates the severing of what was once a living union. Divorce, then, is a kind of amputation. It cannot happen without damage to the partners concerned." It's a huge deal and I wish I could somehow stop the clock and rearrange the pieces in her life and hit go again so she doesn't have to go through this. I remember the first time I met this friend, for some reason she and I just hit it off so well that my entire life story just came flooding out and she remarked at how strong I was to be able to go through something so awful and still be cheerful and hopeful I remember her saying how she didn't have the strength to ever make it through something like that, and yet here we are. I have no doubt in my mind God brought us together for such a time as this but I still wish I could take it on instead of her having to deal with it. Part of me wants to lie to her and tell her "yeah, it sucks, but you'll get over it quickly." Honestly, I still deal with the remnants of the consequences of amputation. It's a much less frequent thing now, 7 years s/p divorce but there's still things that creep up in me that I didn't even recognize as an issue before that must be dealt with.
If you are reading this please pray for her. Please pray she runs straight to the arms of Jesus and do nothing more. Please pray that I can encourage her to do exactly that since I know, first hand, the He is truly, TRULY the only way she will get through this intact. Please pray for me that I can completely empty myself and allow the Lord to fill and work through me in this, speaking only that which will edify Him and and draw her into His comforting and loving presence. Also please pray that Christ continue His healing work in my life, revealing the wounds I have not allowed Him to touch with His healing Spirit and the places I have restricted His access.
Wooo, talk about rambling. I can't keep a single thought on track!
Blessings,
~Jennanana
PS:
My advice: DON'T GET DIVORCED!
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Living Holy-Thoughts on 1 Peter 1:13-16
I sometimes feel like I have lost a lot in my life. Sometimes it seems worse than it is and I suppose it's because it really comes down to what I describe as a loss. The only important thing I have lost is relationships.
Some of the relationships I have lost have been lost just by the "normal" growing up and moving on sort of thing, and for these I don't feel such a burden for. It's the ones that were torn from me in a chaotic and unholy way that makes my heart break and makes me question all I am.
I have found a great place of peace now, after the the turbulence in my life after the divorce, then break-up with John. I still love and miss John and pray that he finds his way back to a place under God's protection but I am beginning to understand what God has in store for me (key word-BEGINNING), and He is revealing what it is I need to do to be ready for this next adventure. So with that said 1 Peter is what this is all about...
I'm studying 1 Peter right now, on my own. I've taken the advice of one of my professors and have begun reading a book of the Bible, the same book everyday for a month, then moving onto another book the next month (if that's too much, he suggests splitting the book into sections and reading one section for a month then the next for a month until the book is done. This is especially helpful for large books like Matthew). I've found something new to ponder almost every time I read it. Right now I am stuck (for lack of better word) on a section in the first chapter.
1 Peter 1:13-16
"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”"
Peter has always been one of my favorite New Test. peeps. which is why I started studying there and man, is it speaking to me. I've always tried to do the right thing and live a holy life but I don't know how inspired I've been to do so. Know what I mean? I wonder how much I have done out of a sense of duty and avoidance of feeling guilt (my arch nemesis). I know it's not always been this way; off and on I guess, but it has been like this for the past year or so... well, up until last month.
It's hard to live a holy when your not inspired to do so. What are things that would keep a person from inspiration in this subject? I know my number one would be the people I'm surrounding myself with and my number two would be guilt/shame.
If I spend all my time with someone who is constantly compromising in spiritual matters and the definition for holy is changing especially when this person is proclaiming to be a "Christian". It's easy for someone to start doing the same thing and compromise even when this person knows it's not the Truth... For me, this is where guilt and shame (and not to mention resentment) start to claim it's property on my heart and soul.
It's hard, I know, to get yourself out of a situation like this
but the weight of needless guilt and shame can be debilitating and start to gnaw away at all your relationships especially the one with Jesus.
It's much easier to be inspired to live a holy life when you surround yourself with others who are longing for and actively seeking to live a holy life like Peter insists upon. If you surround yourself with these people you'll be inspired because you'll start to see the Holy Spirit working in their lives.
READ YOUR BIBLE!!!!!
Nothing, short of the Father standing before you will inspire like reading, studying, speaking, praying, meditating on, and writing His word.
At the end of the verses I quoted earlier it says "For it is written...". It is my opinion Peter sadly understates this. It is not merely written... it is written,re-written, re-written, and re-written. And it's not like some random dude in the Old Test. wrote it, it was a direct quote from God spoken to Moses and Aaron. Those are some big names yo. And not only that but Leviticus 20:8 states God said "Keep my decrees and follow them. I am the Lord who makes you holy". There's the answer to the question of how to live a holy life.
Follow the ways of the Lord and He will make you holy.
Blessings,
~Jenna
Some of the relationships I have lost have been lost just by the "normal" growing up and moving on sort of thing, and for these I don't feel such a burden for. It's the ones that were torn from me in a chaotic and unholy way that makes my heart break and makes me question all I am.
I have found a great place of peace now, after the the turbulence in my life after the divorce, then break-up with John. I still love and miss John and pray that he finds his way back to a place under God's protection but I am beginning to understand what God has in store for me (key word-BEGINNING), and He is revealing what it is I need to do to be ready for this next adventure. So with that said 1 Peter is what this is all about...
I'm studying 1 Peter right now, on my own. I've taken the advice of one of my professors and have begun reading a book of the Bible, the same book everyday for a month, then moving onto another book the next month (if that's too much, he suggests splitting the book into sections and reading one section for a month then the next for a month until the book is done. This is especially helpful for large books like Matthew). I've found something new to ponder almost every time I read it. Right now I am stuck (for lack of better word) on a section in the first chapter.
1 Peter 1:13-16
"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”"
Peter has always been one of my favorite New Test. peeps. which is why I started studying there and man, is it speaking to me. I've always tried to do the right thing and live a holy life but I don't know how inspired I've been to do so. Know what I mean? I wonder how much I have done out of a sense of duty and avoidance of feeling guilt (my arch nemesis). I know it's not always been this way; off and on I guess, but it has been like this for the past year or so... well, up until last month.
It's hard to live a holy when your not inspired to do so. What are things that would keep a person from inspiration in this subject? I know my number one would be the people I'm surrounding myself with and my number two would be guilt/shame.
If I spend all my time with someone who is constantly compromising in spiritual matters and the definition for holy is changing especially when this person is proclaiming to be a "Christian". It's easy for someone to start doing the same thing and compromise even when this person knows it's not the Truth... For me, this is where guilt and shame (and not to mention resentment) start to claim it's property on my heart and soul.
It's hard, I know, to get yourself out of a situation like this
but the weight of needless guilt and shame can be debilitating and start to gnaw away at all your relationships especially the one with Jesus.
It's much easier to be inspired to live a holy life when you surround yourself with others who are longing for and actively seeking to live a holy life like Peter insists upon. If you surround yourself with these people you'll be inspired because you'll start to see the Holy Spirit working in their lives.
READ YOUR BIBLE!!!!!
Nothing, short of the Father standing before you will inspire like reading, studying, speaking, praying, meditating on, and writing His word.
At the end of the verses I quoted earlier it says "For it is written...". It is my opinion Peter sadly understates this. It is not merely written... it is written,re-written, re-written, and re-written. And it's not like some random dude in the Old Test. wrote it, it was a direct quote from God spoken to Moses and Aaron. Those are some big names yo. And not only that but Leviticus 20:8 states God said "Keep my decrees and follow them. I am the Lord who makes you holy". There's the answer to the question of how to live a holy life.
Follow the ways of the Lord and He will make you holy.
Blessings,
~Jenna
Sunday, August 14, 2011
"Son I Loved You At Your Darkest"...
I have been wanting to write this for a while now.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif.. The opportunity has arrived. I was listening to one of my very favorite tunes by As Cities Burn (see video above). A little ditty known as "Wake Dead Man, Wake". It's a powerful song both sound wise and lyric wise but for those of you (older) people who can't make out words when someone is screaming them it may not move you like it moved me. Here are the lyrics:
Let the dead bury their own dead
Will you still love me in famine
As when love began at the harvest
Or would you gain the whole world
Son, I love you at your darkest
But what good is the whole world
When I promise no tomorrow
I only promise your tomorrows
Will never take you past my palm
Love, what is love without trust
At my word would you bring your isaac
Son, I loved you at your darkest
Powerful right? Well, I looked at these lyrics months ago when I rediscovered this record and thought "WOW! Powerful lyrics"... but didn't really do much after that. On the ride home from Soul Fest last week I was thinking about these lyrics again... played the song from my handy dandy Zune (man, I love my Zune)and thought... "HOLY CRAP!!! Would I bring my isaac???" (For those of you COMPLETELY lost see Genesis 22 and know that Abraham and his wife Sara went many many MANY years with the promise of a baby but didn't have one until they were in their old age...) I started thinking... Would I bring everything I held most dear to my heart and leave it on the alter of God and walk away knowing and trusting that God would work it all out? See God wasn't asking Abraham to murder his own son, He was asking Abraham to trust Him. What is love without trust? It's not enough to love God you have to trust God in order to love Him completely.
So my question goes out to my brothers and sisters in Christ... At God's word, would you bring your isaac?
Let the dead bury their own dead
Will you still love me in famine
As when love began at the harvest
Or would you gain the whole world
Son, I love you at your darkest
But what good is the whole world
When I promise no tomorrow
I only promise your tomorrows
Will never take you past my palm
Love, what is love without trust
At my word would you bring your isaac
Son, I loved you at your darkest
Powerful right? Well, I looked at these lyrics months ago when I rediscovered this record and thought "WOW! Powerful lyrics"... but didn't really do much after that. On the ride home from Soul Fest last week I was thinking about these lyrics again... played the song from my handy dandy Zune (man, I love my Zune)and thought... "HOLY CRAP!!! Would I bring my isaac???" (For those of you COMPLETELY lost see Genesis 22 and know that Abraham and his wife Sara went many many MANY years with the promise of a baby but didn't have one until they were in their old age...) I started thinking... Would I bring everything I held most dear to my heart and leave it on the alter of God and walk away knowing and trusting that God would work it all out? See God wasn't asking Abraham to murder his own son, He was asking Abraham to trust Him. What is love without trust? It's not enough to love God you have to trust God in order to love Him completely.
So my question goes out to my brothers and sisters in Christ... At God's word, would you bring your isaac?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Living Broken...continued...
So I have been doing a lot of thinking about my last post and I realize that it may have come across as a bit accusatory. I seem to have left out a very important part to the whole post... We all fall. So cliche right? Maybe that's why I left it out, i mean we all know it happens. I do things that don't glorify God, and actually glorify the enemy, more than I care to admit but what I don't do (and what the last post was really about) is do something that is clearly wrong, clearly sinful (yes, I said the dirty word sin) and say "I know this is sin and I'm going to continuing in this sin because I don't want to do anything about it right now..." I'm soooooo not perfect. Anyone who knows me knows how hot tempered and self-absorbed I am. I am a sinner, just like you but I choose to spend my life abolishing sin from my life and living as Jesus instructed His children to live... Like HIM. When I sin I want to stop dead in my tracks and do what I must to remedy the situation and learn from it so I will not fall prey to that trap again. When I lose my temper at a friend I desire to reconcile the relationship, apologize, and learn from the experience how to have better self-control which is a... fruit of the spirit...
I'm struggling these days just to live. My heart feels so heavy for the life that seems lost right now and I wish there were a word or phrase I could find to put things back on the right path but I know it's not mine to fix.... Cody Bonnette said it very well in the song "Into the Sea" by As Cities Burn:
"And I tried to stop it when
I saw your posture start to bend
But honey it was not mine to mend"
I don't know why I feel so burdened by this. Maybe I think it's partly my fault... maybe it is. I know it's not something I can fix so I've left in in the ever so capable hands of my Father but I still feel so wrecked, so heavy. Like war has been raging, like it has.
Stayed tuned for some exciting posts to come... and comment on here if you want to! I like comments... especially if they are not not mean!!
In Christ,
~Jennanana
I'm struggling these days just to live. My heart feels so heavy for the life that seems lost right now and I wish there were a word or phrase I could find to put things back on the right path but I know it's not mine to fix.... Cody Bonnette said it very well in the song "Into the Sea" by As Cities Burn:
"And I tried to stop it when
I saw your posture start to bend
But honey it was not mine to mend"
I don't know why I feel so burdened by this. Maybe I think it's partly my fault... maybe it is. I know it's not something I can fix so I've left in in the ever so capable hands of my Father but I still feel so wrecked, so heavy. Like war has been raging, like it has.
Stayed tuned for some exciting posts to come... and comment on here if you want to! I like comments... especially if they are not not mean!!
In Christ,
~Jennanana
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Still Learning, After All These Years....
I just finished a good conversation with my brother that really made me want to write again, but my brain isn't working because I haven't slept since Sunday (it’s Tuesday afternoon) so I'm going to come back to this refreshed in a few hours...(a day goes by...) Or a day...
So, I needed a lot of sleep to be able to think apparently... Anyway, back to what I was saying.
Scott (bro) and I were talking about life and how people in our life sometimes chose to go down paths they know, have known, have specifically spoken the words "I know this is wrong" but still make the decision to pursue said wrong path all the while proclaiming to be a Christian. (I am not questioning whether the person is in fact a Christian… In fact, I know for certain this person is a Christian, who loves God deeply) I was talking about how I am learning, rather RElearning, that sin is sin. I may not be out getting drunk or stealing from unsuspecting characters but I’m just as guilty as those who do these things when I lie or don’t put God first, or treat someone badly. My sin of idolatry is just as bad as another’s sin of violence, and boy, is God reminding me of this every day. I think it’s when you start thinking your getting the hang of things when God likes to throw a curveball to remind you where your eyes and heart should be. I’ve heard it said that He will use any means available to re-center a straying heart, and I can truly attest to that with what He has brought me through in the last 5 years of my life. Makes me start to wonder how pig headed I really, truly am.
On a lighter note, I’m in Chattanooga again. I flew down Tuesday morning so I could attend the concert of a lifetime that included Oh, Sleeper, Emery, and best of all Hawboy (formerly As Cities Burn… and still with Cody Bonnette on vox). I got into Chatt around 1030am and got to hang with Scott some before taking my nap that lasted a god few hours. Then shopped at McKay’s <3, had dinner with the Logan’s then Scott and I went to the show. I have been to many, many concerts in my life but I’m not sure I have ever been quite so excited as I was when Stillglow was exiting the stage and Hawkboy was setting up… Not that I didn’t like Stillglow, because I very, VERY much did like them, but it was Cody Bonnette people! He got up there with his awkward mustache and Aaron his drummer and started playing 2Bit… And I was like a giddy little school girl... I can’t even tell you how ECSTATIC I was when they played Errand Rum and Pirate Blues but what made their set the best of the entire night was the crowd knew the songs and was SO into it! I’m so used to being in Maine where good music is so very not known and I expected it to be the same there! It was EPIC (no, I’m not using that word)… Then Oh, Sleeper came on and all chaos ensued! The mosh pit kinda took over and the guys in the band started body surfing so Scott and I made a quick escape towards the back of the audience. I value my health too much to be too involved in the mosh pit, especially when surrounded by men who were a bit larger than myself… Emery came on and we made our way back to the front. There was a pit for Emery too but we were able to be basically out of it since we stayed close to the side wall. Emery put on an amazing set! They started out with… yes, you guessed it, So Cold I Can See My Breath and went right into the amazing Cheval Glass. I was SO into it I was screaming along and was told I “scream well for a girl”… I’m still not sure if that was a compliment. A couple songs later they slowed things down with a small acoustic set playing Fractions, and my theme song (one of) Ponytail Parades, and a semi acoustic Never Got To See the West Coast and kicked things back up again and ended with… yes, you are a good guesser… Walls. But we of course called for an encore and they played… mhmm… Studying Politics! It was a very good show, especially since I didn’t get pummeled in the pit! I will add the videos and pics once I can upload from my camera when I am home… Gooood stuff!!
Today was a lot of fun! Brent took me to go have lunch with Liz and him at the zoo, and Liz gave us the grand tour. Then Brent and I headed over to a park to hit some baseballs and hang and afterwards we went to see a $1 movie at the cheap seats cinema down here. It was over with just enough time for us to get back to their house to watch the Sox vs the Phillies… sadly, we lost 1-2 but it was a very tight game, obviously. Tomorrow I’m hanging out with Brent again, we may go back to the park to play ball again before it gets too hot, and then I’m shipping out with Scott and Shanon to go home, where you can breathe outside! Quite an eventful week I must say… I sure am grateful to have such amazing siblings and siblings-in-law!
God Bless,
~Jenna
So, I needed a lot of sleep to be able to think apparently... Anyway, back to what I was saying.
Scott (bro) and I were talking about life and how people in our life sometimes chose to go down paths they know, have known, have specifically spoken the words "I know this is wrong" but still make the decision to pursue said wrong path all the while proclaiming to be a Christian. (I am not questioning whether the person is in fact a Christian… In fact, I know for certain this person is a Christian, who loves God deeply) I was talking about how I am learning, rather RElearning, that sin is sin. I may not be out getting drunk or stealing from unsuspecting characters but I’m just as guilty as those who do these things when I lie or don’t put God first, or treat someone badly. My sin of idolatry is just as bad as another’s sin of violence, and boy, is God reminding me of this every day. I think it’s when you start thinking your getting the hang of things when God likes to throw a curveball to remind you where your eyes and heart should be. I’ve heard it said that He will use any means available to re-center a straying heart, and I can truly attest to that with what He has brought me through in the last 5 years of my life. Makes me start to wonder how pig headed I really, truly am.
On a lighter note, I’m in Chattanooga again. I flew down Tuesday morning so I could attend the concert of a lifetime that included Oh, Sleeper, Emery, and best of all Hawboy (formerly As Cities Burn… and still with Cody Bonnette on vox). I got into Chatt around 1030am and got to hang with Scott some before taking my nap that lasted a god few hours. Then shopped at McKay’s <3, had dinner with the Logan’s then Scott and I went to the show. I have been to many, many concerts in my life but I’m not sure I have ever been quite so excited as I was when Stillglow was exiting the stage and Hawkboy was setting up… Not that I didn’t like Stillglow, because I very, VERY much did like them, but it was Cody Bonnette people! He got up there with his awkward mustache and Aaron his drummer and started playing 2Bit… And I was like a giddy little school girl... I can’t even tell you how ECSTATIC I was when they played Errand Rum and Pirate Blues but what made their set the best of the entire night was the crowd knew the songs and was SO into it! I’m so used to being in Maine where good music is so very not known and I expected it to be the same there! It was EPIC (no, I’m not using that word)… Then Oh, Sleeper came on and all chaos ensued! The mosh pit kinda took over and the guys in the band started body surfing so Scott and I made a quick escape towards the back of the audience. I value my health too much to be too involved in the mosh pit, especially when surrounded by men who were a bit larger than myself… Emery came on and we made our way back to the front. There was a pit for Emery too but we were able to be basically out of it since we stayed close to the side wall. Emery put on an amazing set! They started out with… yes, you guessed it, So Cold I Can See My Breath and went right into the amazing Cheval Glass. I was SO into it I was screaming along and was told I “scream well for a girl”… I’m still not sure if that was a compliment. A couple songs later they slowed things down with a small acoustic set playing Fractions, and my theme song (one of) Ponytail Parades, and a semi acoustic Never Got To See the West Coast and kicked things back up again and ended with… yes, you are a good guesser… Walls. But we of course called for an encore and they played… mhmm… Studying Politics! It was a very good show, especially since I didn’t get pummeled in the pit! I will add the videos and pics once I can upload from my camera when I am home… Gooood stuff!!
Today was a lot of fun! Brent took me to go have lunch with Liz and him at the zoo, and Liz gave us the grand tour. Then Brent and I headed over to a park to hit some baseballs and hang and afterwards we went to see a $1 movie at the cheap seats cinema down here. It was over with just enough time for us to get back to their house to watch the Sox vs the Phillies… sadly, we lost 1-2 but it was a very tight game, obviously. Tomorrow I’m hanging out with Brent again, we may go back to the park to play ball again before it gets too hot, and then I’m shipping out with Scott and Shanon to go home, where you can breathe outside! Quite an eventful week I must say… I sure am grateful to have such amazing siblings and siblings-in-law!
God Bless,
~Jenna
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Broken, Like Him...
So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. One thing in particular I have thought about is why I start 85% of my blogs with the word “so”… Weird, right? Anyway, Most of the time I wish I could stop myself from thinking, just turn off the brain for a bit, or at least turn off the part that wants to think about everything lol. I had a nice thought today, yes, just one. It of course had to do with John, as he and my failed marriage is all I seem to think about right now (and I say failed marriage and not Ryan because I am not thinking about him, rather I am thinking about the issues our marriage had and why things didn’t work). I’ve really been trying to listen this week for God’s voice giving me guidance and much needed solace. I’ve heard His whispers and felt His hand on my heart just holding me through this. Not necessarily taking away the pain but just making His presence known to me and it is nice. One thing I really feel like He is teaching me is to trust Him.
You see, I never had a problem with trust until Ryan served me with divorce papers, until I intercepted a letter from his ex mailed to our home, until I realized I was being lied to by someone who promised to love and protect me always. It’s like a little seed was planted then, in my heart and it took root slowly but didn’t really present a problem until the lies from another started feeding it and all the sudden it’s taken over and is cutting off the blood supply and oxygen supply to my heart and brain and all that need these things. Now, I sit here and wonder “who can I trust?” I know in my heart I can trust my Heavenly Father but my brain keeps stepping in saying “I got this” when I so clearly DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING UNDER CONTROL. And that’s my problem isn’t it? Letting go. I so badly want to let go of things but I am so scared of what’s in store. It’s so strange for my brain to comprehend this because I know God’s word says “and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” and I believe His word, but I guess the question is do I trust His word? What’s the difference between trust and believe? Believe- to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so. Trust- reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
Don’t know about you guys but they seem pretty close to being the same thing to me…
How do people change so dramatically? Better yet, how can someone be so blinded at the changes in another person? I never thought this would happen. Not in a million years did I think I would ever feel this way, certainly not at the hands of my John. Honestly, people warned me but I knew his heart, I thought I knew his heart and it was good. Yeah, he had a past and yes it set off some alarms to be careful and guard my heart some but I have a past too, a yucky one, different than his in some ways but still the same. It just seems so backwards and I feel so broken. I trusted the goodwill of John and it ended like this and it just doesn’t fit, like there is something I am missing, maybe I have been missing it all throughout these years. Today I thought about the birthday party I threw myself 2 years ago. It was when John and I had just started hanging out, before we were “dating”. He had bought me two Dead Poetic albums, both you would have to order since DP isn’t around anymore and I just remember thinking it was such a thoughtful gift. Music is my thing as most of you know. And for someone to buy me some amazing post hardcore screamo music is pretty huge since none of my friends were into it. Now when I think about this I think of all the music I shared with him… Dead Poetic, UnderOath, Oh, Sleeper, Emery, Ivoryline, As Cities Burn, and I start to have a small anxiety attack thinking about him sharing this music, our music, my music, with his new girlfriend. It makes me feel insane. Seriously, I don’t think that’s normal. Music was our thing; we went to all the shows together, to Soul Fest and Soul Jam, and even New Jersey for The Scream It Like You Mean It tour. He would get so excited with me and it was amazing, and now it’s gone and I am sad.
When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
--- Chicago Winter "Sense Memory"
The only hope I have left is in God and I guess that’s an ok place to be. Broken, like Him.
~Jenna
You see, I never had a problem with trust until Ryan served me with divorce papers, until I intercepted a letter from his ex mailed to our home, until I realized I was being lied to by someone who promised to love and protect me always. It’s like a little seed was planted then, in my heart and it took root slowly but didn’t really present a problem until the lies from another started feeding it and all the sudden it’s taken over and is cutting off the blood supply and oxygen supply to my heart and brain and all that need these things. Now, I sit here and wonder “who can I trust?” I know in my heart I can trust my Heavenly Father but my brain keeps stepping in saying “I got this” when I so clearly DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING UNDER CONTROL. And that’s my problem isn’t it? Letting go. I so badly want to let go of things but I am so scared of what’s in store. It’s so strange for my brain to comprehend this because I know God’s word says “and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” and I believe His word, but I guess the question is do I trust His word? What’s the difference between trust and believe? Believe- to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so. Trust- reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
Don’t know about you guys but they seem pretty close to being the same thing to me…
How do people change so dramatically? Better yet, how can someone be so blinded at the changes in another person? I never thought this would happen. Not in a million years did I think I would ever feel this way, certainly not at the hands of my John. Honestly, people warned me but I knew his heart, I thought I knew his heart and it was good. Yeah, he had a past and yes it set off some alarms to be careful and guard my heart some but I have a past too, a yucky one, different than his in some ways but still the same. It just seems so backwards and I feel so broken. I trusted the goodwill of John and it ended like this and it just doesn’t fit, like there is something I am missing, maybe I have been missing it all throughout these years. Today I thought about the birthday party I threw myself 2 years ago. It was when John and I had just started hanging out, before we were “dating”. He had bought me two Dead Poetic albums, both you would have to order since DP isn’t around anymore and I just remember thinking it was such a thoughtful gift. Music is my thing as most of you know. And for someone to buy me some amazing post hardcore screamo music is pretty huge since none of my friends were into it. Now when I think about this I think of all the music I shared with him… Dead Poetic, UnderOath, Oh, Sleeper, Emery, Ivoryline, As Cities Burn, and I start to have a small anxiety attack thinking about him sharing this music, our music, my music, with his new girlfriend. It makes me feel insane. Seriously, I don’t think that’s normal. Music was our thing; we went to all the shows together, to Soul Fest and Soul Jam, and even New Jersey for The Scream It Like You Mean It tour. He would get so excited with me and it was amazing, and now it’s gone and I am sad.
When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
--- Chicago Winter "Sense Memory"
The only hope I have left is in God and I guess that’s an ok place to be. Broken, like Him.
~Jenna
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I Open My Eyes To the Breathtaking Splendor Of Brand New Skies...
So today started as the hardest day in the past 3 years of my existence. I stayed in bed willing my body to sleep until noon, just because I didn't want to go through another day. I didn't want to think about John and I didn't want to know that I had nothing to do, that another weekend was passing that I wasn't hanging with my best friend when it was all he and I used to really hang out on. And summer makes it even harder because I have so many good memories of us at Pine Point with Benny... It's so hard to let go of something you thought was so good. Anyway, I finally dragged myself out of bed and found mom in the living room and just started balling again. She tried to find the words to help but there just wasn't any. I just needed to cry. It's hard to learn someone you thought you knew so well was someone else, especially when you let that someone into your heart so deeply after your heart was torn apart by another man who was supposed to be someone else. Having nothing to do I could have sat there all day and cried, easily. But I took a shower and dressed put on some makeup to cover the crazy swollen eyes and packed a bag of stuff and took off. I didn't know where I was going but I did know at some point today I was going to end up at a beach somewhere.
I drove to Georgetown. Don't know why, it just seemed like a good idea. Saw the prettiest spot. It was a cove with an island right in the middle of the opening to the wide open sea. There was a little fog on the water and from where I was looking there was a sea-rose bush on a little hill overlooking the cove... it was breath-taking.
I took a picture of it but it doesn't do it justice. So I drove around Georgetown looking for a pier that I had been to once, long ago, but didn't find it so I decided to scoot over to Popham again.
It was like 4 when I got there and there wasn't many people but i trekked to an open spot on the beach, away from everyone, and laid down on my sweatshirt and other random articles of clothing as I did not bring a blanket and slept for like an hour. Then I decided to read for a little bit. I look up like 30 minutes later look to my left and right and see absolutely NO ONE on the beach... Weird. So I took the opportunity and managed to put my running clothes on under my other clothes (thank goodness for skirts!) and went for a run on the beach. I ran a good two miles and there was no one there. It was so amazing. There was a storm rolling in at the same time and the thunder was starting while the sky was darkening and moving fast. It was such an amazing feeling to be the only one there. So I was singing to the music playing on my zune, We Came As Romans, and it was really nice. Every runners dream right? ;-)
Well, i got back to my stuff and decided to start packing up to leave so I got to my car just as the lightening show started. So i threw my stuff in the car and went back out to watch from the rocks when something amazing happened. There was a few flashes of lightening but this really mean looking cloud was moving really fast from the other side of the cove and as it moved the sky behind it was clear, then a little piece of a rainbow came into view.
It brought to mind God's promise to Noah and made me think of God's promises to me. I've been thinking about them a lot recently because of what has been going on but seeing this really spoke to my troubled spirit. I heard God whisper to me today. "This storm will pass, and My promise will prevail, but know there are more storms ahead". I really felt this being spoken to my soul and it comforted me.
I know I'm still going to struggle with this and I do not like it at all but a little comfort goes a long ways in times like these. It's a humbling and invigorating thing when you hear God speak to you I think...
"I open up my eyes oh Lord, to see all the things You’ve done
I open up my heart oh God, to feel Your unfailing love
I open up my all to You, all my life for Your glory shown
I open up my soul to You alone, come make yourself at home
And I’ll give all I have left to give
Cause it’s everything I am, Lord
And this life I’ll spend it all for You
I’ll waste it all on You
I offer up my mind to You, I long for the truth You know
I offer up my feet to You, they’ll walk straight on the path You show
I offer up my time to You, so keep me and hold me stillhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
I offer up my hands to You, Lord use them to do Your will
Let Your Spirit take me over God,
Cause it’s all I’ll ever need, yeah You’re all I’ll ever need Lord
Receive this life an offering God
Cause I’ve spent it all on You, yeah I’ll spend it all on You God"
---Ascend The Hill "Spend It All"
Be Blessed,
~Jenna
PS... my next post may be emo... and that's ok!
I drove to Georgetown. Don't know why, it just seemed like a good idea. Saw the prettiest spot. It was a cove with an island right in the middle of the opening to the wide open sea. There was a little fog on the water and from where I was looking there was a sea-rose bush on a little hill overlooking the cove... it was breath-taking.
I took a picture of it but it doesn't do it justice. So I drove around Georgetown looking for a pier that I had been to once, long ago, but didn't find it so I decided to scoot over to Popham again. It was like 4 when I got there and there wasn't many people but i trekked to an open spot on the beach, away from everyone, and laid down on my sweatshirt and other random articles of clothing as I did not bring a blanket and slept for like an hour. Then I decided to read for a little bit. I look up like 30 minutes later look to my left and right and see absolutely NO ONE on the beach... Weird. So I took the opportunity and managed to put my running clothes on under my other clothes (thank goodness for skirts!) and went for a run on the beach. I ran a good two miles and there was no one there. It was so amazing. There was a storm rolling in at the same time and the thunder was starting while the sky was darkening and moving fast. It was such an amazing feeling to be the only one there. So I was singing to the music playing on my zune, We Came As Romans, and it was really nice. Every runners dream right? ;-)
Well, i got back to my stuff and decided to start packing up to leave so I got to my car just as the lightening show started. So i threw my stuff in the car and went back out to watch from the rocks when something amazing happened. There was a few flashes of lightening but this really mean looking cloud was moving really fast from the other side of the cove and as it moved the sky behind it was clear, then a little piece of a rainbow came into view.
It brought to mind God's promise to Noah and made me think of God's promises to me. I've been thinking about them a lot recently because of what has been going on but seeing this really spoke to my troubled spirit. I heard God whisper to me today. "This storm will pass, and My promise will prevail, but know there are more storms ahead". I really felt this being spoken to my soul and it comforted me. 
I know I'm still going to struggle with this and I do not like it at all but a little comfort goes a long ways in times like these. It's a humbling and invigorating thing when you hear God speak to you I think..."I open up my eyes oh Lord, to see all the things You’ve done
I open up my heart oh God, to feel Your unfailing love
I open up my all to You, all my life for Your glory shown
I open up my soul to You alone, come make yourself at home
And I’ll give all I have left to give
Cause it’s everything I am, Lord
And this life I’ll spend it all for You
I’ll waste it all on You
I offer up my mind to You, I long for the truth You know
I offer up my feet to You, they’ll walk straight on the path You show
I offer up my time to You, so keep me and hold me stillhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
I offer up my hands to You, Lord use them to do Your will
Let Your Spirit take me over God,
Cause it’s all I’ll ever need, yeah You’re all I’ll ever need Lord
Receive this life an offering God
Cause I’ve spent it all on You, yeah I’ll spend it all on You God"
---Ascend The Hill "Spend It All"
Be Blessed,
~Jenna
PS... my next post may be emo... and that's ok!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Placing Burdens in My Hands...
I really feel like poop these days... if you haven't guessed. Physically I feel better then I have in years. I think it's the running and eating less junk. But I just don't feel right, I can't really keep much food down even if I'm hungry and it's frustrating because I'm a big believer in eating lol. I really wish I had taken summer classes! I guess I could be in the Word more than I am currently. I've been writing a lot again not just in this blog, but maybe someday I'll put something that I wrote on my blog lol. Maybe I should pick up my bass guitar and work on that... wow, I shouldn't be bored at all lol.
I've been thinking a lot of Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up conflict but love covers over all wrongs". I really feel that there is a lot of hatred from John towards me right now... I wouldn't have said that 2 weeks ago but things have developed and words have been said and now I can't help but wonder what happened? (Not that I haven't been wondering that all along) I'm a peculiar person. I've been in a total of two relationships with men I thought (really thought) I would spend forever with... One ended in a heart-wrenching divorce and the other, just ended. I've not had the privilege to sit with these men and figure out what happened to change the way they felt about me. I don't foresee me having this privilege. It sucks, because I really want that kind of closure (not so much for the marriage as it has been years and I have mostly healed from that) BUT I know that I do not NEED it to get through this. God carried me through the divorce and I know He can and will carry me through this. But as I have resigned to defeat in first my marriage and now my relationship with John I just don't understand why someone would try to make it harder. I never saw any of this coming so I guess I shouldn't expect or not expect things to follow any sort of "path" I had imagined.
I'm just tired, you know? I'm tired of this sort of pain and the knowledge that I opened myself up to this pain the minute I decided to enter into another relationship. I'm tired of fighting and I'm so so sooo tired of the feeling I have in my stomach every time he is mentioned. I'm tired of feeling like a failure who "doesn't know how to keep her man"... thank you for saying that by the way (you know who you are).
When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
I'm sad for the guy that wrote that song. It explains my heart so well right now. As much as I wanted things to turn out differently I know that right now if the relationship had continued the consequences would have been worse and the pain would have been even harder to deal with.
It's another lesson in trusting the Almighty with my over sensitive heart I think. I wish I didn't have to learn this way but it's better than not learning at all I suppose. I read that God will do what He must to be the center of your life. I know I can always work on keeping Him the center and I know I let John be that for me at times and even with this realization and confession the pain is still just as thick.
I'm going to try to find something to do on this rainy Friday night... Anyone up for X-Men or Pirates? ;-)
I've been thinking a lot of Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up conflict but love covers over all wrongs". I really feel that there is a lot of hatred from John towards me right now... I wouldn't have said that 2 weeks ago but things have developed and words have been said and now I can't help but wonder what happened? (Not that I haven't been wondering that all along) I'm a peculiar person. I've been in a total of two relationships with men I thought (really thought) I would spend forever with... One ended in a heart-wrenching divorce and the other, just ended. I've not had the privilege to sit with these men and figure out what happened to change the way they felt about me. I don't foresee me having this privilege. It sucks, because I really want that kind of closure (not so much for the marriage as it has been years and I have mostly healed from that) BUT I know that I do not NEED it to get through this. God carried me through the divorce and I know He can and will carry me through this. But as I have resigned to defeat in first my marriage and now my relationship with John I just don't understand why someone would try to make it harder. I never saw any of this coming so I guess I shouldn't expect or not expect things to follow any sort of "path" I had imagined.
I'm just tired, you know? I'm tired of this sort of pain and the knowledge that I opened myself up to this pain the minute I decided to enter into another relationship. I'm tired of fighting and I'm so so sooo tired of the feeling I have in my stomach every time he is mentioned. I'm tired of feeling like a failure who "doesn't know how to keep her man"... thank you for saying that by the way (you know who you are).
When everything you've done is on your mind
Emotions left you cold and insecure
You anxiously unwind
The threads unravel tear and fray
The questions come in waves but God the answers are elusive
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
The children of our folly
Are following behind
Can anything be done to fix what's broken?
We're running out of time
What can I give you if you're not asking for what's mine?
You remember what I did to save us
My love's attempts are crimes
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
And I can't carry this for the two of us
Your placing burdens in my hands
I want you to love me, I want you to choose me
And now the image has been burnt into my eyes
My world's become a vacant chair
I stare at where you sat and said your soft goodbyes
So come home, just come home
I want you by my side I need you by my side
And all you want now is what you can't have
And all these secrets you'll never get to tell again
But your heart is breaking to the sound of a love that's past
I'm sad for the guy that wrote that song. It explains my heart so well right now. As much as I wanted things to turn out differently I know that right now if the relationship had continued the consequences would have been worse and the pain would have been even harder to deal with.
It's another lesson in trusting the Almighty with my over sensitive heart I think. I wish I didn't have to learn this way but it's better than not learning at all I suppose. I read that God will do what He must to be the center of your life. I know I can always work on keeping Him the center and I know I let John be that for me at times and even with this realization and confession the pain is still just as thick.
I'm going to try to find something to do on this rainy Friday night... Anyone up for X-Men or Pirates? ;-)
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Just Be Still and Breath...
So today at church we sang a new song (to us) called Speak, O Lord. I find it stuck in my head right about now and am thinking of how much I long to hear the Lord speak to me. It feels like it's been so long since I've heard Him speak in my life. Maybe I've been too caught up in my own crap to actually listen. Ivoryline says:
"Did you hear me call your name?
Did you hear me call?
Or were your thoughts just too loud?
Were your thoughts just loud enough for you to miss it?
I thought you'd be listening a little more intently for Me.
But I'll be here when your ready.
Until then just be still and breath.
Just be still and breath.
But I was screaming,
I was screaming"
I'm not the best at listening. I get a little restless after about 2 minutes. But BE STILL AND BREATH. Be still. We also sang Be Still My Soul. I picked that one because I need to be still. I'm so caught up with this stupid life; boyfriend, work, school, health, money, blah blah blah. What does it matter if I can't hear the one person "who knows me yet still loves (me) completely" (Relient K- I Am Understood?)???
Be still my soul the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
LEAVE TO THY GOD TO ORDER AND PROVIDE
Through thorny ways, He faithful will remain
Be still my soul when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last
Why is it so hard to trust God to work things out. He says He will. Shouldn't God's word be good enough? Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
So be still and leave it to God to order, provide, and work things out for my good. Doesn't seem so hard... riiiggghhhtt...
Be still and breath.
~Jenna
"Did you hear me call your name?
Did you hear me call?
Or were your thoughts just too loud?
Were your thoughts just loud enough for you to miss it?
I thought you'd be listening a little more intently for Me.
But I'll be here when your ready.
Until then just be still and breath.
Just be still and breath.
But I was screaming,
I was screaming"
I'm not the best at listening. I get a little restless after about 2 minutes. But BE STILL AND BREATH. Be still. We also sang Be Still My Soul. I picked that one because I need to be still. I'm so caught up with this stupid life; boyfriend, work, school, health, money, blah blah blah. What does it matter if I can't hear the one person "who knows me yet still loves (me) completely" (Relient K- I Am Understood?)???
Be still my soul the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
LEAVE TO THY GOD TO ORDER AND PROVIDE
Through thorny ways, He faithful will remain
Be still my soul when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last
Why is it so hard to trust God to work things out. He says He will. Shouldn't God's word be good enough? Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
So be still and leave it to God to order, provide, and work things out for my good. Doesn't seem so hard... riiiggghhhtt...
Be still and breath.
~Jenna
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Tides Are Turning...
Well... It's been a while since I've been here...
A lot has changed in my life in the last year. I've come to places I didn't think I would ever find, nor was I interested in finding them, they kinda just found me. It's funny how God can work through everything and still I forget to trust Him. How is it possible He can still find me favorable when I doubt His ability and love... EVEN WHEN HE SPELLS IT RIGHT OUT TO ME?!? (Romans 8:28) How hard is that? Sheeeeez, anyway... In this last year I have felt a heaviness leave my heart. Anyone who has ever lost someone to death or divorce probably knows that feeling, the actual physical feeling of grief that just sits on your heart. Well, that feeling is finally gone. I've had my time to grieve and I am so thankful God gave me that time, because i have learned so many, SO SO SO many valuable things in this time that will, and have been important in my life. And now I am SO thankful God has put an amazing man in my life that has brought me joy abundantly. Yea, yea, I know I said I'd never date another man and this and that but I was wrong. God obviously had another plan for me then what I had planned for myself, which is totally mind-blowing because He's got a way better imagination than I do. I have found myself in this state of being so excited for what my future holds again. Well, if God can bring me out of what He has in the last few years, I believe He's got some more amazing stuff planned for me and I can't wait to find out what it is... Anyway, this blog has been a long time coming but I must keep it short.
If there is anyone reading this who finds themselves in a place full of grief and despair and troubles and worries don't be dismayed. God is amazing and if you are willing to trust in Him, He will reach out and pluck you from the trials and troubles of this world. He's not going to do it in your time or in a way you may think He should, but trust His words and trust His love. His love can and will conquer all. God made this simple through His words in the Bible. Jeremiah 29: 11-12,Romans 8:28, and Psalm 147:3 and so many many more. Take His words to heart. Lean on His goodness and love and know that He is the Almighty God and with Him nothing is impossible!
Blessings,
~Jennanana
A lot has changed in my life in the last year. I've come to places I didn't think I would ever find, nor was I interested in finding them, they kinda just found me. It's funny how God can work through everything and still I forget to trust Him. How is it possible He can still find me favorable when I doubt His ability and love... EVEN WHEN HE SPELLS IT RIGHT OUT TO ME?!? (Romans 8:28) How hard is that? Sheeeeez, anyway... In this last year I have felt a heaviness leave my heart. Anyone who has ever lost someone to death or divorce probably knows that feeling, the actual physical feeling of grief that just sits on your heart. Well, that feeling is finally gone. I've had my time to grieve and I am so thankful God gave me that time, because i have learned so many, SO SO SO many valuable things in this time that will, and have been important in my life. And now I am SO thankful God has put an amazing man in my life that has brought me joy abundantly. Yea, yea, I know I said I'd never date another man and this and that but I was wrong. God obviously had another plan for me then what I had planned for myself, which is totally mind-blowing because He's got a way better imagination than I do. I have found myself in this state of being so excited for what my future holds again. Well, if God can bring me out of what He has in the last few years, I believe He's got some more amazing stuff planned for me and I can't wait to find out what it is... Anyway, this blog has been a long time coming but I must keep it short.
If there is anyone reading this who finds themselves in a place full of grief and despair and troubles and worries don't be dismayed. God is amazing and if you are willing to trust in Him, He will reach out and pluck you from the trials and troubles of this world. He's not going to do it in your time or in a way you may think He should, but trust His words and trust His love. His love can and will conquer all. God made this simple through His words in the Bible. Jeremiah 29: 11-12,Romans 8:28, and Psalm 147:3 and so many many more. Take His words to heart. Lean on His goodness and love and know that He is the Almighty God and with Him nothing is impossible!
Blessings,
~Jennanana
Thursday, July 2, 2009
What Have I Learned So Far...
Like most people there are days where I feel so far away from God. Then there are days when I feel as though I am hold the clothe of his robe in my hands, like he is holding me near Him and I am literally under His wing of protection and love. Today was one of those days. It was so freeing, so pleasing, and so so peaceful. Then, just to make it a little better I get the "Divorce Care Daily Email" right now I'm on day 106 and we're on the "chapter" "Dealing With Depression" so everyday there is a new sub section in this subject. Today's was "Learn From Depression". Wow. So my immediate response is "Why would anyone want to learn from depression?" I quickly rebuked myself for sounding so stupid in my own head then I started thinking about the things that have happened that have brought me where I am today. Now I am thinking about the first time I understood the word "repent" (thanks Joe Rojas!). You're probably thinking I'm all over the place here, but that's how my crazy ADD mind works... like a collage. So, anyway, I thought of all these different things that I have not wanted to go through but have learned fabulous things because of them. Things about myself, others and most importantly God. So the question... what have I learned from my depression? Well, you won't get the whole answer but there's a few things I can share...
The most important thing I have learned is how God nurtures a broken spirit. Look in Psalm 34:18 it reads "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". Wow... Back sometime ago (I think a year and a half) I was a part of a woman's Bible study at church and one day there was this heaviness in the room. It was during a time when I was really struggling with missing my ex-husband and not knowing how I could move on in anything as a new person completely separated from the woman I had been for so many years. Other women in the group were facing struggles of their own. In fact I think that night every one of us had something going on. Some issues were medical some financial, others relational. And there was just a looming heaviness of heart in the room. We prayed for a very long time and something that Kim (our minister's wife) prayed has stuck with me and will continue to stay with me for a long time. She prayed thanking God for our brokenness because it brings us closer to Him (Psalm 51:17). He too was broken and He is the only one who can truly help us to overcome a broken heart and a broken spirit (Psalm 147:3).
It's amazing when you can look at your situation and all of the sudden realize "wow, i'm not that depressed anymore"... "I'm getting somewhere!"
More posts on "what I've learned from depression" to come... Until then Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans and to those who aren't Americans... Sucks to be you! ;-)
Blessings,
~Jennanana
The most important thing I have learned is how God nurtures a broken spirit. Look in Psalm 34:18 it reads "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". Wow... Back sometime ago (I think a year and a half) I was a part of a woman's Bible study at church and one day there was this heaviness in the room. It was during a time when I was really struggling with missing my ex-husband and not knowing how I could move on in anything as a new person completely separated from the woman I had been for so many years. Other women in the group were facing struggles of their own. In fact I think that night every one of us had something going on. Some issues were medical some financial, others relational. And there was just a looming heaviness of heart in the room. We prayed for a very long time and something that Kim (our minister's wife) prayed has stuck with me and will continue to stay with me for a long time. She prayed thanking God for our brokenness because it brings us closer to Him (Psalm 51:17). He too was broken and He is the only one who can truly help us to overcome a broken heart and a broken spirit (Psalm 147:3).
It's amazing when you can look at your situation and all of the sudden realize "wow, i'm not that depressed anymore"... "I'm getting somewhere!"
More posts on "what I've learned from depression" to come... Until then Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans and to those who aren't Americans... Sucks to be you! ;-)
Blessings,
~Jennanana
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Trip to NJ and Other Such Ramblings
I'm sitting here listening to Narcotic by Dead Poetic, playing the air bass guitar and trying to think of what it was I said "hey, I should blog about that". And I know what you're thinking... who plays the air bass?
I went to New Jersey last weekend with my dear mumzy.
We went down for the weekend to see the band Seventh Day Slumber. 
It was great to see those guys and get away for a bit. 
It also made me realize how very much I hate how I am living my life. Ever since the divorce I feel like I have done so many things to make myself a better person. I have become closer to God and I love that but I have also allowed myself to put things on hold. Maybe I needed that for a while to re-find and re-make myself but enough's enough. I'm stuck in a seriously dead-end job living in my home town afraid to go into town for fear of seeing my exhusband's family. I can't do this much longer. I have to find something to do with my passion for Jesus and music. When I think about it I don't understand my hesitation. I know God will take care of my needs no matter what the case, but at the same time I don't believe I was given responsibilities to just walk away from them. Like the debt from my car that I am in. God tells us to pay our debts (Romans 13:8). If I don't have a job or prospects of a job or something like that I'm not going to have the money to pay my outrageously expensive car payment. Then there's the whole health insurance thing. I am diabetic and have a newly diagnosed thyroid issue both of which are expensive. So, as you see, it's not practical for me to "just go". I've been completely distracted by the sounds of Deas Vail to think of any more to write on this subject... But speaking of the sounds of Deas Vail here are some blog-worthy lyrics from their song A Lover's Charm:
Don’t cry, love, oh don’t cry.
You know I won’t let you go.
Cause I gave everything tonight so that you could come back home
with a smile upon your face and the morning in your arms.
I changed everything in this place because you’re worth a lover’s charm.
Night!
~Jennanana
I went to New Jersey last weekend with my dear mumzy.
We went down for the weekend to see the band Seventh Day Slumber. 
It was great to see those guys and get away for a bit. 
It also made me realize how very much I hate how I am living my life. Ever since the divorce I feel like I have done so many things to make myself a better person. I have become closer to God and I love that but I have also allowed myself to put things on hold. Maybe I needed that for a while to re-find and re-make myself but enough's enough. I'm stuck in a seriously dead-end job living in my home town afraid to go into town for fear of seeing my exhusband's family. I can't do this much longer. I have to find something to do with my passion for Jesus and music. When I think about it I don't understand my hesitation. I know God will take care of my needs no matter what the case, but at the same time I don't believe I was given responsibilities to just walk away from them. Like the debt from my car that I am in. God tells us to pay our debts (Romans 13:8). If I don't have a job or prospects of a job or something like that I'm not going to have the money to pay my outrageously expensive car payment. Then there's the whole health insurance thing. I am diabetic and have a newly diagnosed thyroid issue both of which are expensive. So, as you see, it's not practical for me to "just go". I've been completely distracted by the sounds of Deas Vail to think of any more to write on this subject... But speaking of the sounds of Deas Vail here are some blog-worthy lyrics from their song A Lover's Charm:Don’t cry, love, oh don’t cry.
You know I won’t let you go.
Cause I gave everything tonight so that you could come back home
with a smile upon your face and the morning in your arms.
I changed everything in this place because you’re worth a lover’s charm.
Night!
~Jennanana
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
An Outrage!!!
UGH! So on Sunday I drove 2 hours to go see a band I really wanted to see. When were they ever going to be so close to Maine? That's exactly what I was thinking, and why I drove the distance on a work night to see them... Just an awesome band that goes by Capital Lights! So I bought the ticket on Saturday just to ensure I wouldn't pansy out, as I was going alone. And I totally didn't! I went and when I got there I got the saddest news! The band had an emergency and wasn't going to be able to play!!!!! THIS WAS AN OUTRAGE!;-) Sometimes I swear my life is that movie The Truman Show, you know the one where this dude doesn't know it but his life really IS a movie... When the girl at the door told me that they weren't playing I'm telling you I heard the faint sound of "Wah wah" as I lowered my head in sorrow... It was a very interesting night though! The people at The Revolution Show, which is who put the whole thing on, were so nice when they heard I drove 2 hours (by the end of the night people were saying I drove 3 hours lol) they gave me all kinds of free swag like a tee shirt, bumper sticker and even 2 free tix to the Attaboy show coming up May 29th... They even gave a shout out to me from stage... I was totally embarrassed when they made me wave lol... Aww, who am I kidding? You all know I love attention! :-). I did get to see one band called Kaelum Way, that I thought made the whole trip worth it... They opened with a wonderful instrumental song and played some of their original songs then some worship songs. I am a sucker for worship songs played at concerts... It says so much to me that some ultra talented musician (most of the time lol) feels that he/she should set aside the music they created and sing songs that someone else made up so everyone can worship God in the place. :-) They were awesome!
It was a really great feeling to go by myself to this show... It would have been awesome to go with someone else but it was freeing to find out that I can actually do that! "What's next?" You ask... Well SDS is in Jersey in a couple weeks and I wouldn't be caught dead not there! Did that make sense? Well, I am hoping Jensui can come or if not my mom or both, or somebody else cuz Jersey is a little farther than NH lol.
Well, I wanted to share with the 3 people that read this a really cool email I got... I signed up to receive daily emails from the Divorce Care organization. I'm on day 40 and this has been the most valuable so far... Please note, it is edited a little to keep it short! Contact me if you want the whole email!
"People in grief must learn to say good-bye to what they have lost. Saying good-bye is not a one-time experience, but there will come a day when final good-byes are said....
Mr. Wright continues, "It's when the good-byes are said that you can turn the corner and move ahead."
You may not want to say good-bye, but this is necessary at some point in your recovery process. Saying good-bye does not mean you are closing yourself off from the other person. You are saying good-bye to what you have lost, to the things of the past, and to a relationship that is over. You are experiencing closure to the grief, blame, anger, and emotions that are behind you. A new way of living is before you that may or may not include your former spouse.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).
Lord, a new way of living is before me. My life will be filled with new joys and experiences. Teach me to say good-bye to the old. Amen. "
I hope that helped someone either with a situation that's going on in their lives or understand my situation a little better!
Be Blessed,
~Jennanana
It was a really great feeling to go by myself to this show... It would have been awesome to go with someone else but it was freeing to find out that I can actually do that! "What's next?" You ask... Well SDS is in Jersey in a couple weeks and I wouldn't be caught dead not there! Did that make sense? Well, I am hoping Jensui can come or if not my mom or both, or somebody else cuz Jersey is a little farther than NH lol.
Well, I wanted to share with the 3 people that read this a really cool email I got... I signed up to receive daily emails from the Divorce Care organization. I'm on day 40 and this has been the most valuable so far... Please note, it is edited a little to keep it short! Contact me if you want the whole email!
"People in grief must learn to say good-bye to what they have lost. Saying good-bye is not a one-time experience, but there will come a day when final good-byes are said....
Mr. Wright continues, "It's when the good-byes are said that you can turn the corner and move ahead."
You may not want to say good-bye, but this is necessary at some point in your recovery process. Saying good-bye does not mean you are closing yourself off from the other person. You are saying good-bye to what you have lost, to the things of the past, and to a relationship that is over. You are experiencing closure to the grief, blame, anger, and emotions that are behind you. A new way of living is before you that may or may not include your former spouse.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).
Lord, a new way of living is before me. My life will be filled with new joys and experiences. Teach me to say good-bye to the old. Amen. "
I hope that helped someone either with a situation that's going on in their lives or understand my situation a little better!
Be Blessed,
~Jennanana
Sunday, April 12, 2009
More Ramblings....
Happy Easter! I have always loved this day. As kids it always meant lots of candy and fun silly toys. Not to mention great breakfasts and dinners. But since falling in love with Jesus many years back this day has been something more. I still get the candy and the toys (thanks Mom!!) and the dinners and such but I have such joy in celebrating this day! Joy is often times missing in my life so I eat it up big time when it's found and today (for the most part) was joyous! Worship at church was wonderful! I think it would have been even better if Scott were there but we definitely made do. Vince played the electric guitar and we had a special appearance by John on the drum kit! Scooter did a special song about how blessings tend to hide in the trials in life and it was awesome!
Today would have been a good day for the rapture I think. I cannot wait until "some sweet day I'll sing up there the song of victory!" How spectacular it is going to be to hug my Jesus, like physically hug Him! Good times... good times!
This week has been a very difficult one for me. We've had issues at work. Major issues at work *rolls eyes*. Divorce Care on Wed. was very emotional. It really is great to hang out with people who have gone through or are going through divorce and have someone that actually understands where I am coming from. I love my friends and family but other then my mom I don't really talk to anyone who really understands what comes with divorce. We were talking about how everything seems to go to heck when people decide to get divorced and how they act like children throughout it and someone brought up a really great point. Divorce is something that God HATES, it is not off Him, it is not right, therefore since it is not of Him it's going to be something of the devil and in turn something very messy and confusing (God says confusion comes from Satan) and just not good for you. I wondered why I was so sick both emotionally and physically for a very long time when I first got divorced and now I know why. And this is how it should be. If something that is not of God enters in so close it should make any follower of Christ absolutely sick. If it doesn't I would say there is something wrong. If it doesn't I would say that person needs to open up there Bible and read a few things like Mark 10: 2-12 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. Right in Malachi 2:16 it says "'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel".
If God hates it shouldn't we? I know I hate it but you probably already guessed that....
Enough rambling for tonight...
Happy Easter to all!
~Jennanana
Today would have been a good day for the rapture I think. I cannot wait until "some sweet day I'll sing up there the song of victory!" How spectacular it is going to be to hug my Jesus, like physically hug Him! Good times... good times!
This week has been a very difficult one for me. We've had issues at work. Major issues at work *rolls eyes*. Divorce Care on Wed. was very emotional. It really is great to hang out with people who have gone through or are going through divorce and have someone that actually understands where I am coming from. I love my friends and family but other then my mom I don't really talk to anyone who really understands what comes with divorce. We were talking about how everything seems to go to heck when people decide to get divorced and how they act like children throughout it and someone brought up a really great point. Divorce is something that God HATES, it is not off Him, it is not right, therefore since it is not of Him it's going to be something of the devil and in turn something very messy and confusing (God says confusion comes from Satan) and just not good for you. I wondered why I was so sick both emotionally and physically for a very long time when I first got divorced and now I know why. And this is how it should be. If something that is not of God enters in so close it should make any follower of Christ absolutely sick. If it doesn't I would say there is something wrong. If it doesn't I would say that person needs to open up there Bible and read a few things like Mark 10: 2-12 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. Right in Malachi 2:16 it says "'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel".
If God hates it shouldn't we? I know I hate it but you probably already guessed that....
Enough rambling for tonight...
Happy Easter to all!
~Jennanana
Friday, April 3, 2009
Easter Is Upon Us...
With Easter around the corner I've been thinking a lot about the crucifixion of Jesus. I always seem to get excited this time of the year thinking that Easter is coming. I was thinking today, after a conversation some co-workers of mine had about Catholicism and it made me wonder how practicing Catholics celebrate Easter. Do they get excited like I do? It seems to me that 9 times out of 10 a crucifix is used to depict the Catholic "denomination". You know the one, with Jesus hanging limply on the cross, the crown of thorns piercing His brow, with a look of pain and sorrow on His face. I don't doubt that this is how the crucifixion looked but, what's showing the best thing about this Lord we love and celebrate? What's depicting the fact that He ACTUALLY ROSE FROM THE DEAD? Any man can die. There have even been plenty of men that died to save the lives of others. So then if we leave Jesus on the cross, suffering, what separates Him from all the other "gods" people worship? It's the fact that Jesus rose from the grave with the keys of death and hell in His perfect hands that makes Him our Savior! And this is why I get excited at Easter time. I love celebrating the victory Jesus has over death. And guess what? Because Jesus conquered death, so shall I! I'm going to live forever with Him! And I can't wait for that forever to begin! You know what's even greater? In Revelation He tells us not only will we live forever with Him but we will reign like priests and kings for one thousand years after most of the events of Revelation. Amazing! How could anyone say no to this?
"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
1 Corinthians 15:55
Blessings,
~Jennanana
"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
1 Corinthians 15:55
Blessings,
~Jennanana
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saying Goodbyes and Loving 1 Peter
Wow, what a crazy weekend! I just got home from The Logan's house where I said goodbye to Ken and Melissa and Scott. I spent Saturday with Ken and Melissa helping them pack and move stuff into storage, fun! I know most people wouldn't count that as much fun but I'm pretty sure I'm not most people AND I'm pretty sure that was the most fun I've had in like months... I got there at about 2ish and April was there. We basically filled up boxes with random things for a little while until Ken got back with the big moving truck. He backed it up to the side of the building so we could just throw things out the 2nd story window at him, it was fun! After April and I did just most of the boxes Kens cousin PJ showed up and totally rearranged the truck, which is good cuz we needed A LOT more room. Then a little while later Shanon, Scott, and John showed up. I went to get some pizza and drinks and stuff and when I got back to the apartment I made Blue Lightning and it was delicious. After having one cup I was like, totally wired for the rest of the night. Ken, PJ, John, Scott and myself all went to the storage unit to empty the truck and I had a BAD case of the giggles. Between Scott's "little sheet heads" comment and John's comment on the box of toys I could hardly breathe! It was nice to just be able to chill with Ken and Melissa for one more day before the big move. Sleeping on their hardwood floor with a little blanket and half a pillow was a little difficult and resulted in only 2.5 hours of sleep but hey, who's counting ;-).
The three of them took off today at about 3:00pm and I am really going to miss chilling with Ken and Melissa but hopefully this whole Tennessee thing will go really good for them and Ken opens a recording studio and I can go work at it ;-)... Here's to wishful thinking!...
On a whole different topic I have been thinking a lot about the book of 1st Peter. If you haven't read it go read it now! I believe it's only 5 chapters... But seriously if you love Jesus you NEED to read this. I almost cry reading about how much Peter loved Jesus, how completely submerged in this "great romance" between himself and his Savior. I find myself thinking "hey, I want to be that in love with Him". So I made a decision... Most of you know I'm divorced (the name of my blog kinda gives it away) and I HATE it. I haven't started the whole dating thing, and I'm not going to. But even with that said, I still have this nerve in the back of my head that likes to remind me I'm alone, and I might be for the rest of my time on earth (alone as in no boyfriend or fiance of spouse). When this little nerve starts doing it's thing I start to get nervous and think "oh, maybe I should go out and try this whole dating thing" or something like that and I get confused, off track, and worried. So I have decided any time this little nerve starts transmitting these crazy thoughts I'm going to dive into the book of Peter. I'm going to fall more in love with Jesus just like Peter. I want to be so completely love-struck that people will ask what I'm on! I used to be like that back in high school but my attention moved from God to my spouse, and as much as I love Ryan, he is nothing compared to Jesus! In a way I have been blessed through this divorce, with an opportunity to focus completely on God instead of a spouse or whatever to fall back madly in love with Him. I want to be able to love in every circumstance. 1st Peter 4:8 is the verse I want to live my life by:
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
In Christ,
~Jennanana
The three of them took off today at about 3:00pm and I am really going to miss chilling with Ken and Melissa but hopefully this whole Tennessee thing will go really good for them and Ken opens a recording studio and I can go work at it ;-)... Here's to wishful thinking!...
On a whole different topic I have been thinking a lot about the book of 1st Peter. If you haven't read it go read it now! I believe it's only 5 chapters... But seriously if you love Jesus you NEED to read this. I almost cry reading about how much Peter loved Jesus, how completely submerged in this "great romance" between himself and his Savior. I find myself thinking "hey, I want to be that in love with Him". So I made a decision... Most of you know I'm divorced (the name of my blog kinda gives it away) and I HATE it. I haven't started the whole dating thing, and I'm not going to. But even with that said, I still have this nerve in the back of my head that likes to remind me I'm alone, and I might be for the rest of my time on earth (alone as in no boyfriend or fiance of spouse). When this little nerve starts doing it's thing I start to get nervous and think "oh, maybe I should go out and try this whole dating thing" or something like that and I get confused, off track, and worried. So I have decided any time this little nerve starts transmitting these crazy thoughts I'm going to dive into the book of Peter. I'm going to fall more in love with Jesus just like Peter. I want to be so completely love-struck that people will ask what I'm on! I used to be like that back in high school but my attention moved from God to my spouse, and as much as I love Ryan, he is nothing compared to Jesus! In a way I have been blessed through this divorce, with an opportunity to focus completely on God instead of a spouse or whatever to fall back madly in love with Him. I want to be able to love in every circumstance. 1st Peter 4:8 is the verse I want to live my life by:
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
In Christ,
~Jennanana
Friday, March 27, 2009
So I have decided I do not know what to blog about any more. My life seems to be the same ol sad story every time I try to write it.
I still hate being divorced. I have joined something called Divorce Care, which is a support group but run by The Vineyard. I like it because it is Christ centered and if this whole ordeal taught me anything it taught me to make sure everything I do is Christ centered. This last week we went over the topic of "new relationships" dun dun dunnnn... Apparently I'm slow at recovering because the people that created the whole book and dvd thing say that you should wait 1 year for every 4 you were married before ou get into another relationship. So using this equation I "could" have started dating wayyyyyyy back in Sept 2007... HOLY FRICKIN CRAP PEOPLE! it still unnerves me just thinking about going on a date with a boy...ahem, man (teehehe). Anyway the book has some really great ways to check yourself before getting into anything before you are healed to the point where you don't bring the hurt and anger from the failed marriage into the new relationship.
I feel like I'm in a valley. I can't get out of it on either side. But there is hope and I know this. There is sonshine in my valley, and I know that is all I really need. I want to live my life like the Valley Song by Jars of Clay....
You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
Alleluia, alleluia
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
Yeah
Alleluia, alleluia
Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy
On another sad note my dear friends Ken and Melissa are moving on Sunday to Tennessee and I'm very sad. I don't remember being this sad about friends going their way before. I am going to miss them a lot... like A LOT! And with them leaving Scott leaves for a month for his tour, and I'm going to miss him but only a little ;-)
An a not sad note I have re-found my As Cities Burn "Come Now Sleep" cd and that makes me extremely happy!!!! I have found this to be an album full of raw emotion and wonderful messages in the music. Definitely a band I have in my top 5... which, as most of you know, is VERY selective!
Anyway, to bed I go.
Thank You, Jesus, for getting me through so far!
~Jenna
I still hate being divorced. I have joined something called Divorce Care, which is a support group but run by The Vineyard. I like it because it is Christ centered and if this whole ordeal taught me anything it taught me to make sure everything I do is Christ centered. This last week we went over the topic of "new relationships" dun dun dunnnn... Apparently I'm slow at recovering because the people that created the whole book and dvd thing say that you should wait 1 year for every 4 you were married before ou get into another relationship. So using this equation I "could" have started dating wayyyyyyy back in Sept 2007... HOLY FRICKIN CRAP PEOPLE! it still unnerves me just thinking about going on a date with a boy...ahem, man (teehehe). Anyway the book has some really great ways to check yourself before getting into anything before you are healed to the point where you don't bring the hurt and anger from the failed marriage into the new relationship.
I feel like I'm in a valley. I can't get out of it on either side. But there is hope and I know this. There is sonshine in my valley, and I know that is all I really need. I want to live my life like the Valley Song by Jars of Clay....
You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
Alleluia, alleluia
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
Yeah
Alleluia, alleluia
Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy
On another sad note my dear friends Ken and Melissa are moving on Sunday to Tennessee and I'm very sad. I don't remember being this sad about friends going their way before. I am going to miss them a lot... like A LOT! And with them leaving Scott leaves for a month for his tour, and I'm going to miss him but only a little ;-)
An a not sad note I have re-found my As Cities Burn "Come Now Sleep" cd and that makes me extremely happy!!!! I have found this to be an album full of raw emotion and wonderful messages in the music. Definitely a band I have in my top 5... which, as most of you know, is VERY selective!
Anyway, to bed I go.
Thank You, Jesus, for getting me through so far!
~Jenna
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Still Love... Real Love... "Love" Love
I'm told love can help heal. And by heal I mean any kind of heal, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I've always believed this. It may not be a magical and flashy in-your-face kind of thing but I have always believed Love can heal. This whole thought comes from an article from Relevant Magazine that was emailed to me (thanks Shanon!) titled Being In "Love" Love.
I was instantly captured by this title and those of you that know me know why... For those of you who don't... It's pretty much just because I am a dork who says stuff like "like" that... Catch my drift? Anyway...
The article was about Love and how Love is defined. The author of this blog goes on to talk about how God is Love and how love is one of the very few things all humans need and desire. Therefore if God is Love and Love is needed isn't this need actually for God? WOA! So anyway everyone should check the article out. While I DO NOT agree with everything Relevant Magazine stands for I do think this article is one everyone should read...
Speaking about Relevant... I found it very interesting how there are like 3 categories in the "featured" menu on their web site "God", "Life", and "Progressive Culture"... what is up with that? I guess I don't understand how the first two can be separated, going back to the love theory... If God is life how can the two be separated? oi... and how is "movies books and films" considered "progressive" culture?
Anyway back to love...
I kind of find it weird that while suffering through the aftermath of a divorce that was not my choice, losing the only man I have ever loved (in a romantic way), and having everything I dreamed and worked for torn away from my death grip, I have become a crusader of Love. Once I had what I considered "everything" stripped away from me, I turned back to the only place that I could... I had burned all my bridges in my relationship with my husband and became a failure and another number to add to the heart wrenching divorce stats. All I did was turn around (not literally, but stay with me for a minute) and there was Love, with His arms wide open and His heart absolutely broken for mine. It was then that I realized the verse in Corinthians wasn't just some pretty wall hanging but words to live by. Absolutely live by. And this Love is what I want to be, not just what I want to show not just an action but a life. If we are created in the image of God, and God is Love, then shouldn't we also be Love? This is what I want....
We want love, love at the core
The cold of the flesh always seems to creep inside of my chest
And I need the pulse of You God
To fill these veins and touch my heart so I can start
Living again
We've seen the dark of the night
Son won't You come shine some light on our lives
We want love, love at the core
So much more then what we're living for
We want love, we want love
Love at the core
I'm numb to cries of this world
As I lye holding on
On You with all of me my everything
I need You to breathe into me
Son won't You come shine
Love, love at the core
So much more then what we're living for
We want love, we want love
Love at the core
So much more of this life
That we're reaching for
We want love
Sweeter than wine You are
You are
We've seen the dark of the night
Son won't You come shine some light on our lives
We want love, love at the core
So much more then what we're living for
We want love, we want love
Love at the core
So much more of this
Life that we're reaching for
We want love to bind us tonight
Leave behind your own disguise
So love can find you and I
I was instantly captured by this title and those of you that know me know why... For those of you who don't... It's pretty much just because I am a dork who says stuff like "like" that... Catch my drift? Anyway...
The article was about Love and how Love is defined. The author of this blog goes on to talk about how God is Love and how love is one of the very few things all humans need and desire. Therefore if God is Love and Love is needed isn't this need actually for God? WOA! So anyway everyone should check the article out. While I DO NOT agree with everything Relevant Magazine stands for I do think this article is one everyone should read...
Speaking about Relevant... I found it very interesting how there are like 3 categories in the "featured" menu on their web site "God", "Life", and "Progressive Culture"... what is up with that? I guess I don't understand how the first two can be separated, going back to the love theory... If God is life how can the two be separated? oi... and how is "movies books and films" considered "progressive" culture?
Anyway back to love...
I kind of find it weird that while suffering through the aftermath of a divorce that was not my choice, losing the only man I have ever loved (in a romantic way), and having everything I dreamed and worked for torn away from my death grip, I have become a crusader of Love. Once I had what I considered "everything" stripped away from me, I turned back to the only place that I could... I had burned all my bridges in my relationship with my husband and became a failure and another number to add to the heart wrenching divorce stats. All I did was turn around (not literally, but stay with me for a minute) and there was Love, with His arms wide open and His heart absolutely broken for mine. It was then that I realized the verse in Corinthians wasn't just some pretty wall hanging but words to live by. Absolutely live by. And this Love is what I want to be, not just what I want to show not just an action but a life. If we are created in the image of God, and God is Love, then shouldn't we also be Love? This is what I want....
We want love, love at the core
The cold of the flesh always seems to creep inside of my chest
And I need the pulse of You God
To fill these veins and touch my heart so I can start
Living again
We've seen the dark of the night
Son won't You come shine some light on our lives
We want love, love at the core
So much more then what we're living for
We want love, we want love
Love at the core
I'm numb to cries of this world
As I lye holding on
On You with all of me my everything
I need You to breathe into me
Son won't You come shine
Love, love at the core
So much more then what we're living for
We want love, we want love
Love at the core
So much more of this life
That we're reaching for
We want love
Sweeter than wine You are
You are
We've seen the dark of the night
Son won't You come shine some light on our lives
We want love, love at the core
So much more then what we're living for
We want love, we want love
Love at the core
So much more of this
Life that we're reaching for
We want love to bind us tonight
Leave behind your own disguise
So love can find you and I
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
This Weekend of Love...
Well, the weekend is over. And really, I should be in bed right now but I know I couldn't sleep so I thought I would blog...
I had a nice weekend, filled with friends that I love dearly. On Friday night Shanon and I went to a hockey game and saw a man make a balloon octopus. It was amazing! ON Saturday Betty and Heather came over so I could try on the brides maid dress and it fits and looks gorgeous (I think lol). Then the three of us went down to Portland and did some wedding shopping and just hung out. Then I went to the gym and after the food at the hockey game i REALLY needed the gym! I ran 3.25 miles and it felt sooo good, and what was even better was there was only 5 other people there lol. I guess Valentine's day is a good day to go to the gym lol. Anyway, after the gym I went home for an hour till Jen picked me up for our annual anti-valentines day movie time! We saw the movie Taken, which I highly recommend! Then we went to... Denny's lol. We had such a good time just chilling and laughing. Mom came over this morning and we talked for a little bit before I left for church...which was AMAZING! Vince taught about the prophesy in Daniel about the 70 "Weeks" and how it ties in with the Rapture and end times. Wooo! It was intense! Then after church I went to lunch with Scott, Shan, Jessie, Kyle and Kendra and it was a blast! Then I came home and attempted to help mom with her cell phone and such... interesting! And here we are... bedtime on Sunday and lucky me has to work tomorrow. I don't think there is any other downer like Sunday night/Monday morning. *sigh* Oh well, at least I have a stable job.
On a unrelated note... I've been doing a study in Ezekiel and am learning of the, what seems like, MILLIONS of times God delays His wrath on Israel. It's so amazing after all the "Chosen People" do to offend Him in this and many of the other Old Testament books and still He delivers them from wrath... My God is amazing....
Steady and unchanging
Your love is a mountain
Firm beneath my feet
Your love is a mystery
How you gently lift me
When I am surrounded
Your love carries me
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
hallelujah
Your love makes me sing
Hallelujah, hallelujah
hallelujah
Your love makes me sing
Your love is surprising
I can feel it rising
Oh the joy that's glowing
Deep inside of me
Everytime I see you
All your goodness shines through
I can feel this God song
Rising up in me
~Jennanana
I had a nice weekend, filled with friends that I love dearly. On Friday night Shanon and I went to a hockey game and saw a man make a balloon octopus. It was amazing! ON Saturday Betty and Heather came over so I could try on the brides maid dress and it fits and looks gorgeous (I think lol). Then the three of us went down to Portland and did some wedding shopping and just hung out. Then I went to the gym and after the food at the hockey game i REALLY needed the gym! I ran 3.25 miles and it felt sooo good, and what was even better was there was only 5 other people there lol. I guess Valentine's day is a good day to go to the gym lol. Anyway, after the gym I went home for an hour till Jen picked me up for our annual anti-valentines day movie time! We saw the movie Taken, which I highly recommend! Then we went to... Denny's lol. We had such a good time just chilling and laughing. Mom came over this morning and we talked for a little bit before I left for church...which was AMAZING! Vince taught about the prophesy in Daniel about the 70 "Weeks" and how it ties in with the Rapture and end times. Wooo! It was intense! Then after church I went to lunch with Scott, Shan, Jessie, Kyle and Kendra and it was a blast! Then I came home and attempted to help mom with her cell phone and such... interesting! And here we are... bedtime on Sunday and lucky me has to work tomorrow. I don't think there is any other downer like Sunday night/Monday morning. *sigh* Oh well, at least I have a stable job.
On a unrelated note... I've been doing a study in Ezekiel and am learning of the, what seems like, MILLIONS of times God delays His wrath on Israel. It's so amazing after all the "Chosen People" do to offend Him in this and many of the other Old Testament books and still He delivers them from wrath... My God is amazing....
Steady and unchanging
Your love is a mountain
Firm beneath my feet
Your love is a mystery
How you gently lift me
When I am surrounded
Your love carries me
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
hallelujah
Your love makes me sing
Hallelujah, hallelujah
hallelujah
Your love makes me sing
Your love is surprising
I can feel it rising
Oh the joy that's glowing
Deep inside of me
Everytime I see you
All your goodness shines through
I can feel this God song
Rising up in me
~Jennanana
Friday, January 16, 2009
Wow, I'm so glad it is Friday and I don't have to work for 2 whole days!!
One of my coworkers has been sick so we have had to cover for her this week and lucky me got to work late tonight b/c of it. The day wasn't too bad but tonight we had to call a code blue for a patient. For those of you who are medical code inept a code blue means that someone has gone into cardiopulmonary arrest (stopped breathing). And for those of you who know where I work knows it was for a child. Six months old. Though I don't have much contact with the patient in an emergency like that it's still very nerve wracking. Once the code is called we have a million people running to our office from the ICU, ER, NICU, and EMT's to transfer the patient to the ER. We had about 30 people in the office in a matter of minutes. This patient has a heart defect that an infant son of a friend of mine died of a few months back so I was very quite nervous. The only thing I could do to help was go in the other room and start praying. The little girl is still alive but the situation did not look good when I left work at 7:30 this evening. It's so hard at times to have this job. It takes a toll on my spirit to be constantly seeing sick and abused children.
On a less saddening note... Disciple came to Auburn, Maine this past Tuesday night and it was an AMAINEZING show!!! I got there early to be sure to get in. It was a free show so they could only allow 750 people in due to fire code enforcement. It was a very cold night but not as bad as it has been since and I am soooo thankful I only had to wait outside for 45 minutes! Anywho Vince, Katy, Shanon, Scott, Lizzie, John, Jessie, and Kyle all came.
We somehow managed to get close to the front of the stage for most of the 2 bands. Kronicles opened for Disciple and were amazing. I had seen them once before at Soul Fest and really dig them now! Then... DISCIPLE! The crowd's energy for this show was like the best I've ever seen in Maine! They played ALL of my favorite songs including Romance Me (my #1 fav). I ran into Chrispy and hung out with Sandy for a while. Right before the show started this man came up to Liz and I and said hello and I didn't recognize who he was until he introduced himself as Soren's dad. I almost started crying right there! For those of you who don't know Soren was a friend of ours who died in a motorcycle accident a few years ago. I hadn't seen his dad since the memorial for Soren but the whole family had been on my mind almost constantly for a very long time now and it was soooo good to see him.
On another happy note today I pre-ordered the new Seventh Day Slumber record called "Take Everything". It comes out in March and everyone should buy a copy!!!
Well I think that is enough rambling for tonight.
In Christ,
~Jennanana
One of my coworkers has been sick so we have had to cover for her this week and lucky me got to work late tonight b/c of it. The day wasn't too bad but tonight we had to call a code blue for a patient. For those of you who are medical code inept a code blue means that someone has gone into cardiopulmonary arrest (stopped breathing). And for those of you who know where I work knows it was for a child. Six months old. Though I don't have much contact with the patient in an emergency like that it's still very nerve wracking. Once the code is called we have a million people running to our office from the ICU, ER, NICU, and EMT's to transfer the patient to the ER. We had about 30 people in the office in a matter of minutes. This patient has a heart defect that an infant son of a friend of mine died of a few months back so I was very quite nervous. The only thing I could do to help was go in the other room and start praying. The little girl is still alive but the situation did not look good when I left work at 7:30 this evening. It's so hard at times to have this job. It takes a toll on my spirit to be constantly seeing sick and abused children.
On a less saddening note... Disciple came to Auburn, Maine this past Tuesday night and it was an AMAINEZING show!!! I got there early to be sure to get in. It was a free show so they could only allow 750 people in due to fire code enforcement. It was a very cold night but not as bad as it has been since and I am soooo thankful I only had to wait outside for 45 minutes! Anywho Vince, Katy, Shanon, Scott, Lizzie, John, Jessie, and Kyle all came.
We somehow managed to get close to the front of the stage for most of the 2 bands. Kronicles opened for Disciple and were amazing. I had seen them once before at Soul Fest and really dig them now! Then... DISCIPLE! The crowd's energy for this show was like the best I've ever seen in Maine! They played ALL of my favorite songs including Romance Me (my #1 fav). I ran into Chrispy and hung out with Sandy for a while. Right before the show started this man came up to Liz and I and said hello and I didn't recognize who he was until he introduced himself as Soren's dad. I almost started crying right there! For those of you who don't know Soren was a friend of ours who died in a motorcycle accident a few years ago. I hadn't seen his dad since the memorial for Soren but the whole family had been on my mind almost constantly for a very long time now and it was soooo good to see him. On another happy note today I pre-ordered the new Seventh Day Slumber record called "Take Everything". It comes out in March and everyone should buy a copy!!!
Well I think that is enough rambling for tonight.
In Christ,
~Jennanana
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