The Hurts of Helping...

I have a heavy heart today. The kind that physically feels wrong, and emotionally just hurts. A dear, sweet friend of mine had to make a decision yesterday and decided to begin the process of divorcing her husband. Since I am only friends with her I know only one side of the situation and so I cannot, nor do i care to, comment on the right or wrong aspect of this decision, all I know is she is in pain and it breaks my heart. From what I do know her situation is quite similar to mine, even though my ex-husband was the one to file and divorce me. Having been through this tragedy and coming out on the other end alive I have been trying desperately to be of some use and comfort to her in this but it seems after coming up with so many great things to say to myself in the past 7 years I can find nothing to say to her that seems comforting or helpful. I feel my emotions start to crash in as I remember the pain and the constant, never-ending thinking I dealt with at that stage of the divorce. The thoughts of "if I do this, maybe he will change his mind before the court date," or "maybe if I were prettier, or skinny, maybe he'll remember he loves me." At the time I was going through this I was 20, and of course no one in my circle of friends had gone through anything like it so I thought all these things were unique to me in this situation. In talking with my friend she told me she is going through the same thing, asking the same questions, not sleeping because she can't stop thinking and I realized my thought process throughout the divorce was not unique. I keep trying to remember what I wanted and needed to hear when I was going through this, and what was more painful than helpful.
As I try to fill my brain with the right things to say I find myself remembering things I don't really want to remember and while that sucks it's really hopeful to me that I've actually forgotten these things! I remember thinking, "I will never get through this pain, I'll never forget how much more this thing or that thing hurts while I'm already hurting." and yet I did forget, and I'm quite glad. But still the heaviness of heart is present, but I think I would be concerned if it were not. Divorce is no small matter. Yeah, it may be common in the world today but what horrible thing isn't? A couple years ago I was going through a really awesome systematic theology class and I had to get this killer 1200+ page textbook called the "Evangelical Dictionary of Theology (my second fav textbook so far) and I don't remember what part we were studying at the time but there was a section on divorce and it went into the etymology of the word for divorce used in the Old Testament; "The word "divorce" in the phrase "bill of divorcement" is related to the word for hewing down trees, even cutting off heads. It indicates the severing of what was once a living union. Divorce, then, is a kind of amputation. It cannot happen without damage to the partners concerned." It's a huge deal and I wish I could somehow stop the clock and rearrange the pieces in her life and hit go again so she doesn't have to go through this. I remember the first time I met this friend, for some reason she and I just hit it off so well that my entire life story just came flooding out and she remarked at how strong I was to be able to go through something so awful and still be cheerful and hopeful I remember her saying how she didn't have the strength to ever make it through something like that, and yet here we are. I have no doubt in my mind God brought us together for such a time as this but I still wish I could take it on instead of her having to deal with it. Part of me wants to lie to her and tell her "yeah, it sucks, but you'll get over it quickly." Honestly, I still deal with the remnants of the consequences of amputation. It's a much less frequent thing now, 7 years s/p divorce but there's still things that creep up in me that I didn't even recognize as an issue before that must be dealt with.

If you are reading this please pray for her. Please pray she runs straight to the arms of Jesus and do nothing more. Please pray that I can encourage her to do exactly that since I know, first hand, the He is truly, TRULY the only way she will get through this intact. Please pray for me that I can completely empty myself and allow the Lord to fill and work through me in this, speaking only that which will edify Him and and draw her into His comforting and loving presence. Also please pray that Christ continue His healing work in my life, revealing the wounds I have not allowed Him to touch with His healing Spirit and the places I have restricted His access.

Wooo, talk about rambling. I can't keep a single thought on track!
Blessings,
~Jennanana

PS:
My advice: DON'T GET DIVORCED!

Just Be Still and Breath...

So today at church we sang a new song (to us) called Speak, O Lord. I find it stuck in my head right about now and am thinking of how much I long to hear the Lord speak to me. It feels like it's been so long since I've heard Him speak in my life. Maybe I've been too caught up in my own crap to actually listen. Ivoryline says:

"Did you hear me call your name?
Did you hear me call?
Or were your thoughts just too loud?
Were your thoughts just loud enough for you to miss it?
I thought you'd be listening a little more intently for Me.
But I'll be here when your ready.
Until then just be still and breath.
Just be still and breath.
But I was screaming,
I was screaming"

I'm not the best at listening. I get a little restless after about 2 minutes. But BE STILL AND BREATH. Be still. We also sang Be Still My Soul. I picked that one because I need to be still. I'm so caught up with this stupid life; boyfriend, work, school, health, money, blah blah blah. What does it matter if I can't hear the one person "who knows me yet still loves (me) completely" (Relient K- I Am Understood?)???

Be still my soul the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
LEAVE TO THY GOD TO ORDER AND PROVIDE
Through thorny ways, He faithful will remain
Be still my soul when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last


Why is it so hard to trust God to work things out. He says He will. Shouldn't God's word be good enough? Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

So be still and leave it to God to order, provide, and work things out for my good. Doesn't seem so hard... riiiggghhhtt...

Be still and breath.
~Jenna

When I Was A Child I Acted Like I Do Now....

So I'm sitting here listening to a string quartet tribute to the band UnderOath and it's totally rad! Anyway.......
I haven't been running. Like a good girl I have listened to the doctor, even though I desperately want to run. I never would have thought I would have become so into running but nothing has helped get my frustration out like running. When I was young I was a super angry and violent kid. If you don't believe me ask my sisters, they will tell you stories that will scare you. One night when I was on the verge of a blow out with my mom she came up with the idea of giving me a baseball bat and told me to take it to my bed and beat the crap out of my bed instead of bringing the frustration to her and my sisters. So I did and it worked! The only problem is... I grew up! I look like a fool beating the shiznit out of my bed with a baseball bat! So with all the frustration of having to completely uproot my entire life (new home, new job, new car, no husband, no money, a billion bills b/c my name was on EVERYTHING and someone decided he did not need to be responsible for things he should have been) I was becoming a bit overwhelmed. I had gotten advice from a random lady in a random chatroom, based on helping people newly divorced, to try running. I think this was the most important advice I got throughout the divorce time. I already knew I could and would go to God and He would get me through but I didn't know what to go with this extra energy fueled by anger and i desperately did not want to project the anger and hurt onto any of my friends or family at this time. So I tried it. I loved it! I listened to UnderOath's "They're Only Chasing Safety" and Kids In the Way's "Apparitions" and ran. I was way out in the country so not many people heard me attempting to scream my way through "I'm Content With Losing" and "A Boy Brushed Red"... Good times! The best thing was when I was coming back to the driveway, it was a long driveway and I would find my awesome cat Cadence waiting to race me down the driveway then rub all over my face when I collapsed on the grass :-). I am so thankful that God brought that lady from the chatroom for the 5 minutes we talked. It was such a "God Thang" as cliche as it is to say it... how else do you explain it? I suppose you could just say right place right time but that sucks and is so boring! Lol! :-) So I think I forgot to mention I can't run right now while my docs are working on getting my heart rate down with some new medicine. They are estimating 2 months before I can go back to it. And it has really got me down! But I'll push through and work on strengthening for now and then when I can run ( in JUNE :-( ) I may be able to run more better er er!
Anyway, that's all...
Be Blessed,
~Jennanana