I have a heavy heart today. The kind that physically feels wrong, and emotionally just hurts. A dear, sweet friend of mine had to make a decision yesterday and decided to begin the process of divorcing her husband. Since I am only friends with her I know only one side of the situation and so I cannot, nor do i care to, comment on the right or wrong aspect of this decision, all I know is she is in pain and it breaks my heart. From what I do know her situation is quite similar to mine, even though my ex-husband was the one to file and divorce me. Having been through this tragedy and coming out on the other end alive I have been trying desperately to be of some use and comfort to her in this but it seems after coming up with so many great things to say to myself in the past 7 years I can find nothing to say to her that seems comforting or helpful. I feel my emotions start to crash in as I remember the pain and the constant, never-ending thinking I dealt with at that stage of the divorce. The thoughts of "if I do this, maybe he will change his mind before the court date," or "maybe if I were prettier, or skinny, maybe he'll remember he loves me." At the time I was going through this I was 20, and of course no one in my circle of friends had gone through anything like it so I thought all these things were unique to me in this situation. In talking with my friend she told me she is going through the same thing, asking the same questions, not sleeping because she can't stop thinking and I realized my thought process throughout the divorce was not unique. I keep trying to remember what I wanted and needed to hear when I was going through this, and what was more painful than helpful.
As I try to fill my brain with the right things to say I find myself remembering things I don't really want to remember and while that sucks it's really hopeful to me that I've actually forgotten these things! I remember thinking, "I will never get through this pain, I'll never forget how much more this thing or that thing hurts while I'm already hurting." and yet I did forget, and I'm quite glad. But still the heaviness of heart is present, but I think I would be concerned if it were not. Divorce is no small matter. Yeah, it may be common in the world today but what horrible thing isn't? A couple years ago I was going through a really awesome systematic theology class and I had to get this killer 1200+ page textbook called the "Evangelical Dictionary of Theology (my second fav textbook so far) and I don't remember what part we were studying at the time but there was a section on divorce and it went into the etymology of the word for divorce used in the Old Testament; "The word "divorce" in the phrase "bill of divorcement" is related to the word for hewing down trees, even cutting off heads. It indicates the severing of what was once a living union. Divorce, then, is a kind of amputation. It cannot happen without damage to the partners concerned." It's a huge deal and I wish I could somehow stop the clock and rearrange the pieces in her life and hit go again so she doesn't have to go through this. I remember the first time I met this friend, for some reason she and I just hit it off so well that my entire life story just came flooding out and she remarked at how strong I was to be able to go through something so awful and still be cheerful and hopeful I remember her saying how she didn't have the strength to ever make it through something like that, and yet here we are. I have no doubt in my mind God brought us together for such a time as this but I still wish I could take it on instead of her having to deal with it. Part of me wants to lie to her and tell her "yeah, it sucks, but you'll get over it quickly." Honestly, I still deal with the remnants of the consequences of amputation. It's a much less frequent thing now, 7 years s/p divorce but there's still things that creep up in me that I didn't even recognize as an issue before that must be dealt with.
If you are reading this please pray for her. Please pray she runs straight to the arms of Jesus and do nothing more. Please pray that I can encourage her to do exactly that since I know, first hand, the He is truly, TRULY the only way she will get through this intact. Please pray for me that I can completely empty myself and allow the Lord to fill and work through me in this, speaking only that which will edify Him and and draw her into His comforting and loving presence. Also please pray that Christ continue His healing work in my life, revealing the wounds I have not allowed Him to touch with His healing Spirit and the places I have restricted His access.
Wooo, talk about rambling. I can't keep a single thought on track!
Blessings,
~Jennanana
PS:
My advice: DON'T GET DIVORCED!
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Living Holy-Thoughts on 1 Peter 1:13-16
I sometimes feel like I have lost a lot in my life. Sometimes it seems worse than it is and I suppose it's because it really comes down to what I describe as a loss. The only important thing I have lost is relationships.
Some of the relationships I have lost have been lost just by the "normal" growing up and moving on sort of thing, and for these I don't feel such a burden for. It's the ones that were torn from me in a chaotic and unholy way that makes my heart break and makes me question all I am.
I have found a great place of peace now, after the the turbulence in my life after the divorce, then break-up with John. I still love and miss John and pray that he finds his way back to a place under God's protection but I am beginning to understand what God has in store for me (key word-BEGINNING), and He is revealing what it is I need to do to be ready for this next adventure. So with that said 1 Peter is what this is all about...
I'm studying 1 Peter right now, on my own. I've taken the advice of one of my professors and have begun reading a book of the Bible, the same book everyday for a month, then moving onto another book the next month (if that's too much, he suggests splitting the book into sections and reading one section for a month then the next for a month until the book is done. This is especially helpful for large books like Matthew). I've found something new to ponder almost every time I read it. Right now I am stuck (for lack of better word) on a section in the first chapter.
1 Peter 1:13-16
"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”"
Peter has always been one of my favorite New Test. peeps. which is why I started studying there and man, is it speaking to me. I've always tried to do the right thing and live a holy life but I don't know how inspired I've been to do so. Know what I mean? I wonder how much I have done out of a sense of duty and avoidance of feeling guilt (my arch nemesis). I know it's not always been this way; off and on I guess, but it has been like this for the past year or so... well, up until last month.
It's hard to live a holy when your not inspired to do so. What are things that would keep a person from inspiration in this subject? I know my number one would be the people I'm surrounding myself with and my number two would be guilt/shame.
If I spend all my time with someone who is constantly compromising in spiritual matters and the definition for holy is changing especially when this person is proclaiming to be a "Christian". It's easy for someone to start doing the same thing and compromise even when this person knows it's not the Truth... For me, this is where guilt and shame (and not to mention resentment) start to claim it's property on my heart and soul.
It's hard, I know, to get yourself out of a situation like this
but the weight of needless guilt and shame can be debilitating and start to gnaw away at all your relationships especially the one with Jesus.
It's much easier to be inspired to live a holy life when you surround yourself with others who are longing for and actively seeking to live a holy life like Peter insists upon. If you surround yourself with these people you'll be inspired because you'll start to see the Holy Spirit working in their lives.
READ YOUR BIBLE!!!!!
Nothing, short of the Father standing before you will inspire like reading, studying, speaking, praying, meditating on, and writing His word.
At the end of the verses I quoted earlier it says "For it is written...". It is my opinion Peter sadly understates this. It is not merely written... it is written,re-written, re-written, and re-written. And it's not like some random dude in the Old Test. wrote it, it was a direct quote from God spoken to Moses and Aaron. Those are some big names yo. And not only that but Leviticus 20:8 states God said "Keep my decrees and follow them. I am the Lord who makes you holy". There's the answer to the question of how to live a holy life.
Follow the ways of the Lord and He will make you holy.
Blessings,
~Jenna
Some of the relationships I have lost have been lost just by the "normal" growing up and moving on sort of thing, and for these I don't feel such a burden for. It's the ones that were torn from me in a chaotic and unholy way that makes my heart break and makes me question all I am.
I have found a great place of peace now, after the the turbulence in my life after the divorce, then break-up with John. I still love and miss John and pray that he finds his way back to a place under God's protection but I am beginning to understand what God has in store for me (key word-BEGINNING), and He is revealing what it is I need to do to be ready for this next adventure. So with that said 1 Peter is what this is all about...
I'm studying 1 Peter right now, on my own. I've taken the advice of one of my professors and have begun reading a book of the Bible, the same book everyday for a month, then moving onto another book the next month (if that's too much, he suggests splitting the book into sections and reading one section for a month then the next for a month until the book is done. This is especially helpful for large books like Matthew). I've found something new to ponder almost every time I read it. Right now I am stuck (for lack of better word) on a section in the first chapter.
1 Peter 1:13-16
"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”"
Peter has always been one of my favorite New Test. peeps. which is why I started studying there and man, is it speaking to me. I've always tried to do the right thing and live a holy life but I don't know how inspired I've been to do so. Know what I mean? I wonder how much I have done out of a sense of duty and avoidance of feeling guilt (my arch nemesis). I know it's not always been this way; off and on I guess, but it has been like this for the past year or so... well, up until last month.
It's hard to live a holy when your not inspired to do so. What are things that would keep a person from inspiration in this subject? I know my number one would be the people I'm surrounding myself with and my number two would be guilt/shame.
If I spend all my time with someone who is constantly compromising in spiritual matters and the definition for holy is changing especially when this person is proclaiming to be a "Christian". It's easy for someone to start doing the same thing and compromise even when this person knows it's not the Truth... For me, this is where guilt and shame (and not to mention resentment) start to claim it's property on my heart and soul.
It's hard, I know, to get yourself out of a situation like this
but the weight of needless guilt and shame can be debilitating and start to gnaw away at all your relationships especially the one with Jesus.
It's much easier to be inspired to live a holy life when you surround yourself with others who are longing for and actively seeking to live a holy life like Peter insists upon. If you surround yourself with these people you'll be inspired because you'll start to see the Holy Spirit working in their lives.
READ YOUR BIBLE!!!!!
Nothing, short of the Father standing before you will inspire like reading, studying, speaking, praying, meditating on, and writing His word.
At the end of the verses I quoted earlier it says "For it is written...". It is my opinion Peter sadly understates this. It is not merely written... it is written,re-written, re-written, and re-written. And it's not like some random dude in the Old Test. wrote it, it was a direct quote from God spoken to Moses and Aaron. Those are some big names yo. And not only that but Leviticus 20:8 states God said "Keep my decrees and follow them. I am the Lord who makes you holy". There's the answer to the question of how to live a holy life.
Follow the ways of the Lord and He will make you holy.
Blessings,
~Jenna
Sunday, August 14, 2011
"Son I Loved You At Your Darkest"...
I have been wanting to write this for a while now.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif.. The opportunity has arrived. I was listening to one of my very favorite tunes by As Cities Burn (see video above). A little ditty known as "Wake Dead Man, Wake". It's a powerful song both sound wise and lyric wise but for those of you (older) people who can't make out words when someone is screaming them it may not move you like it moved me. Here are the lyrics:
Let the dead bury their own dead
Will you still love me in famine
As when love began at the harvest
Or would you gain the whole world
Son, I love you at your darkest
But what good is the whole world
When I promise no tomorrow
I only promise your tomorrows
Will never take you past my palm
Love, what is love without trust
At my word would you bring your isaac
Son, I loved you at your darkest
Powerful right? Well, I looked at these lyrics months ago when I rediscovered this record and thought "WOW! Powerful lyrics"... but didn't really do much after that. On the ride home from Soul Fest last week I was thinking about these lyrics again... played the song from my handy dandy Zune (man, I love my Zune)and thought... "HOLY CRAP!!! Would I bring my isaac???" (For those of you COMPLETELY lost see Genesis 22 and know that Abraham and his wife Sara went many many MANY years with the promise of a baby but didn't have one until they were in their old age...) I started thinking... Would I bring everything I held most dear to my heart and leave it on the alter of God and walk away knowing and trusting that God would work it all out? See God wasn't asking Abraham to murder his own son, He was asking Abraham to trust Him. What is love without trust? It's not enough to love God you have to trust God in order to love Him completely.
So my question goes out to my brothers and sisters in Christ... At God's word, would you bring your isaac?
Let the dead bury their own dead
Will you still love me in famine
As when love began at the harvest
Or would you gain the whole world
Son, I love you at your darkest
But what good is the whole world
When I promise no tomorrow
I only promise your tomorrows
Will never take you past my palm
Love, what is love without trust
At my word would you bring your isaac
Son, I loved you at your darkest
Powerful right? Well, I looked at these lyrics months ago when I rediscovered this record and thought "WOW! Powerful lyrics"... but didn't really do much after that. On the ride home from Soul Fest last week I was thinking about these lyrics again... played the song from my handy dandy Zune (man, I love my Zune)and thought... "HOLY CRAP!!! Would I bring my isaac???" (For those of you COMPLETELY lost see Genesis 22 and know that Abraham and his wife Sara went many many MANY years with the promise of a baby but didn't have one until they were in their old age...) I started thinking... Would I bring everything I held most dear to my heart and leave it on the alter of God and walk away knowing and trusting that God would work it all out? See God wasn't asking Abraham to murder his own son, He was asking Abraham to trust Him. What is love without trust? It's not enough to love God you have to trust God in order to love Him completely.
So my question goes out to my brothers and sisters in Christ... At God's word, would you bring your isaac?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Living Broken...continued...
So I have been doing a lot of thinking about my last post and I realize that it may have come across as a bit accusatory. I seem to have left out a very important part to the whole post... We all fall. So cliche right? Maybe that's why I left it out, i mean we all know it happens. I do things that don't glorify God, and actually glorify the enemy, more than I care to admit but what I don't do (and what the last post was really about) is do something that is clearly wrong, clearly sinful (yes, I said the dirty word sin) and say "I know this is sin and I'm going to continuing in this sin because I don't want to do anything about it right now..." I'm soooooo not perfect. Anyone who knows me knows how hot tempered and self-absorbed I am. I am a sinner, just like you but I choose to spend my life abolishing sin from my life and living as Jesus instructed His children to live... Like HIM. When I sin I want to stop dead in my tracks and do what I must to remedy the situation and learn from it so I will not fall prey to that trap again. When I lose my temper at a friend I desire to reconcile the relationship, apologize, and learn from the experience how to have better self-control which is a... fruit of the spirit...
I'm struggling these days just to live. My heart feels so heavy for the life that seems lost right now and I wish there were a word or phrase I could find to put things back on the right path but I know it's not mine to fix.... Cody Bonnette said it very well in the song "Into the Sea" by As Cities Burn:
"And I tried to stop it when
I saw your posture start to bend
But honey it was not mine to mend"
I don't know why I feel so burdened by this. Maybe I think it's partly my fault... maybe it is. I know it's not something I can fix so I've left in in the ever so capable hands of my Father but I still feel so wrecked, so heavy. Like war has been raging, like it has.
Stayed tuned for some exciting posts to come... and comment on here if you want to! I like comments... especially if they are not not mean!!
In Christ,
~Jennanana
I'm struggling these days just to live. My heart feels so heavy for the life that seems lost right now and I wish there were a word or phrase I could find to put things back on the right path but I know it's not mine to fix.... Cody Bonnette said it very well in the song "Into the Sea" by As Cities Burn:
"And I tried to stop it when
I saw your posture start to bend
But honey it was not mine to mend"
I don't know why I feel so burdened by this. Maybe I think it's partly my fault... maybe it is. I know it's not something I can fix so I've left in in the ever so capable hands of my Father but I still feel so wrecked, so heavy. Like war has been raging, like it has.
Stayed tuned for some exciting posts to come... and comment on here if you want to! I like comments... especially if they are not not mean!!
In Christ,
~Jennanana
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Living Broken...
Well, the UnderOath concert was absolutely AMAZING! I'll write more about that another time as I have other things on my heart tonight.
I am so totally sold out to Jesus. Madly in love. Reminded everyday that I am blessed beyond comprehension and WAYYYYYY beyond what I deserve. I have screwed up so much in my life and He continues to woo my heart while I throw my little temper tantrums and spit in His face. I was reminded again today in a very powerful and painful way that He is truly, TRULY looking out for me. He plucked me from the path of destruction when I didn't even realize I was destroying myself and all I have done for months is whine and cry over it, thinking this is His punishment for slipping up and not obeying Him in all things but today my eyes were opened. I don't want anything to cause me to stumble in front of Christ and I'm the idiot who keeps moving those giant blocks I can't hurdle right in my path with the full knowledge that the block i just moved is 3 times my height and I don't know how to get myself out of the mess i just made for myself. Anyway, I've had a frustrating day, news about the ex-husband I wish I didn't know, our refrigerator died, I couldn't find the eye liner i wanted at Ulta (uber important!), and a very unexpected phone call. But yes, I'm stuck at the revelation God has given me today. I'm so broken hearted for my brothers and sisters who are so deceived by the tempter and his wiles that they knowingly and willing turn their back on God's word and make a mockery of what He has called His children to be like. Not only that but they add to the world's already super tainted view of Christianity as THE hypocritical religion. It's so frustrating and I wish they would just open their Bibles and start reading! Jesus wasn't like "well, as my followers, as my adopted children, co-heirs with me, here are some rules that I don't really care if you follow or not" No way! He was like "This is going to be hard, the world is going to try and entice you to follow them but this is important! Follow me, live upright, don't murder, don't hate, don't steal, don't fornicate, don't idolize anyone. Live in the world but don't live like the world. You will be noticed and you will be effective for My kingdom this way!!!"
It's great to love Christ! It's so so so important to love Him, but after that we're still here... We still have a job to do. We have lives to change by showing them the purity and beauty of Christ and it can't be done by acting like this dark, dirty world. WAKE UP CHRISTIANS! Don't let yourselves be deceived and disqualified to be a light for Christ. Think of what He sacrificed for you and ask yourselves if what you want, your sin, is more important than taking Christ off that cross. You continue to live your life in willing sin it's just like your driving another nail in his hands. It's absurd! You know the truth, you've lived by the truth, and your going to do something contrary to it? You know the consequence and your still going to walk away from what is right??? REALLY?
Oh, God it breaks my heart! I love these people and they walk away just like that and it seriously breaks my heart. I don't know what to do with this kind of pain, and it's frustrating. I ran today to try and alleviate and it worked a little but not enough. I think this is like the demon that Jesus cast out of the sick boy after coming down from the mountain where His transfiguration took place. His disciples couldn't cast the demon out and Jesus came and talked with the boy's father then commanded the evil spirit to come out of the boy. Later, the disciples asked Jesus why they weren't able to cast this demon out like they had been able to in many other cases. Jesus replied to them (Matthew 17:21) "this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting" (if you have a NIV Bible you may have to read the footnotes for this verse, as they put something else in the actual passage). I think it's going to take some hard-core praying to ease the pain from this brokenness.
Good night!
~Jenna
I am so totally sold out to Jesus. Madly in love. Reminded everyday that I am blessed beyond comprehension and WAYYYYYY beyond what I deserve. I have screwed up so much in my life and He continues to woo my heart while I throw my little temper tantrums and spit in His face. I was reminded again today in a very powerful and painful way that He is truly, TRULY looking out for me. He plucked me from the path of destruction when I didn't even realize I was destroying myself and all I have done for months is whine and cry over it, thinking this is His punishment for slipping up and not obeying Him in all things but today my eyes were opened. I don't want anything to cause me to stumble in front of Christ and I'm the idiot who keeps moving those giant blocks I can't hurdle right in my path with the full knowledge that the block i just moved is 3 times my height and I don't know how to get myself out of the mess i just made for myself. Anyway, I've had a frustrating day, news about the ex-husband I wish I didn't know, our refrigerator died, I couldn't find the eye liner i wanted at Ulta (uber important!), and a very unexpected phone call. But yes, I'm stuck at the revelation God has given me today. I'm so broken hearted for my brothers and sisters who are so deceived by the tempter and his wiles that they knowingly and willing turn their back on God's word and make a mockery of what He has called His children to be like. Not only that but they add to the world's already super tainted view of Christianity as THE hypocritical religion. It's so frustrating and I wish they would just open their Bibles and start reading! Jesus wasn't like "well, as my followers, as my adopted children, co-heirs with me, here are some rules that I don't really care if you follow or not" No way! He was like "This is going to be hard, the world is going to try and entice you to follow them but this is important! Follow me, live upright, don't murder, don't hate, don't steal, don't fornicate, don't idolize anyone. Live in the world but don't live like the world. You will be noticed and you will be effective for My kingdom this way!!!"
It's great to love Christ! It's so so so important to love Him, but after that we're still here... We still have a job to do. We have lives to change by showing them the purity and beauty of Christ and it can't be done by acting like this dark, dirty world. WAKE UP CHRISTIANS! Don't let yourselves be deceived and disqualified to be a light for Christ. Think of what He sacrificed for you and ask yourselves if what you want, your sin, is more important than taking Christ off that cross. You continue to live your life in willing sin it's just like your driving another nail in his hands. It's absurd! You know the truth, you've lived by the truth, and your going to do something contrary to it? You know the consequence and your still going to walk away from what is right??? REALLY?
Oh, God it breaks my heart! I love these people and they walk away just like that and it seriously breaks my heart. I don't know what to do with this kind of pain, and it's frustrating. I ran today to try and alleviate and it worked a little but not enough. I think this is like the demon that Jesus cast out of the sick boy after coming down from the mountain where His transfiguration took place. His disciples couldn't cast the demon out and Jesus came and talked with the boy's father then commanded the evil spirit to come out of the boy. Later, the disciples asked Jesus why they weren't able to cast this demon out like they had been able to in many other cases. Jesus replied to them (Matthew 17:21) "this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting" (if you have a NIV Bible you may have to read the footnotes for this verse, as they put something else in the actual passage). I think it's going to take some hard-core praying to ease the pain from this brokenness.
Good night!
~Jenna
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Still Learning, After All These Years....
I just finished a good conversation with my brother that really made me want to write again, but my brain isn't working because I haven't slept since Sunday (it’s Tuesday afternoon) so I'm going to come back to this refreshed in a few hours...(a day goes by...) Or a day...
So, I needed a lot of sleep to be able to think apparently... Anyway, back to what I was saying.
Scott (bro) and I were talking about life and how people in our life sometimes chose to go down paths they know, have known, have specifically spoken the words "I know this is wrong" but still make the decision to pursue said wrong path all the while proclaiming to be a Christian. (I am not questioning whether the person is in fact a Christian… In fact, I know for certain this person is a Christian, who loves God deeply) I was talking about how I am learning, rather RElearning, that sin is sin. I may not be out getting drunk or stealing from unsuspecting characters but I’m just as guilty as those who do these things when I lie or don’t put God first, or treat someone badly. My sin of idolatry is just as bad as another’s sin of violence, and boy, is God reminding me of this every day. I think it’s when you start thinking your getting the hang of things when God likes to throw a curveball to remind you where your eyes and heart should be. I’ve heard it said that He will use any means available to re-center a straying heart, and I can truly attest to that with what He has brought me through in the last 5 years of my life. Makes me start to wonder how pig headed I really, truly am.
On a lighter note, I’m in Chattanooga again. I flew down Tuesday morning so I could attend the concert of a lifetime that included Oh, Sleeper, Emery, and best of all Hawboy (formerly As Cities Burn… and still with Cody Bonnette on vox). I got into Chatt around 1030am and got to hang with Scott some before taking my nap that lasted a god few hours. Then shopped at McKay’s <3, had dinner with the Logan’s then Scott and I went to the show. I have been to many, many concerts in my life but I’m not sure I have ever been quite so excited as I was when Stillglow was exiting the stage and Hawkboy was setting up… Not that I didn’t like Stillglow, because I very, VERY much did like them, but it was Cody Bonnette people! He got up there with his awkward mustache and Aaron his drummer and started playing 2Bit… And I was like a giddy little school girl... I can’t even tell you how ECSTATIC I was when they played Errand Rum and Pirate Blues but what made their set the best of the entire night was the crowd knew the songs and was SO into it! I’m so used to being in Maine where good music is so very not known and I expected it to be the same there! It was EPIC (no, I’m not using that word)… Then Oh, Sleeper came on and all chaos ensued! The mosh pit kinda took over and the guys in the band started body surfing so Scott and I made a quick escape towards the back of the audience. I value my health too much to be too involved in the mosh pit, especially when surrounded by men who were a bit larger than myself… Emery came on and we made our way back to the front. There was a pit for Emery too but we were able to be basically out of it since we stayed close to the side wall. Emery put on an amazing set! They started out with… yes, you guessed it, So Cold I Can See My Breath and went right into the amazing Cheval Glass. I was SO into it I was screaming along and was told I “scream well for a girl”… I’m still not sure if that was a compliment. A couple songs later they slowed things down with a small acoustic set playing Fractions, and my theme song (one of) Ponytail Parades, and a semi acoustic Never Got To See the West Coast and kicked things back up again and ended with… yes, you are a good guesser… Walls. But we of course called for an encore and they played… mhmm… Studying Politics! It was a very good show, especially since I didn’t get pummeled in the pit! I will add the videos and pics once I can upload from my camera when I am home… Gooood stuff!!
Today was a lot of fun! Brent took me to go have lunch with Liz and him at the zoo, and Liz gave us the grand tour. Then Brent and I headed over to a park to hit some baseballs and hang and afterwards we went to see a $1 movie at the cheap seats cinema down here. It was over with just enough time for us to get back to their house to watch the Sox vs the Phillies… sadly, we lost 1-2 but it was a very tight game, obviously. Tomorrow I’m hanging out with Brent again, we may go back to the park to play ball again before it gets too hot, and then I’m shipping out with Scott and Shanon to go home, where you can breathe outside! Quite an eventful week I must say… I sure am grateful to have such amazing siblings and siblings-in-law!
God Bless,
~Jenna
So, I needed a lot of sleep to be able to think apparently... Anyway, back to what I was saying.
Scott (bro) and I were talking about life and how people in our life sometimes chose to go down paths they know, have known, have specifically spoken the words "I know this is wrong" but still make the decision to pursue said wrong path all the while proclaiming to be a Christian. (I am not questioning whether the person is in fact a Christian… In fact, I know for certain this person is a Christian, who loves God deeply) I was talking about how I am learning, rather RElearning, that sin is sin. I may not be out getting drunk or stealing from unsuspecting characters but I’m just as guilty as those who do these things when I lie or don’t put God first, or treat someone badly. My sin of idolatry is just as bad as another’s sin of violence, and boy, is God reminding me of this every day. I think it’s when you start thinking your getting the hang of things when God likes to throw a curveball to remind you where your eyes and heart should be. I’ve heard it said that He will use any means available to re-center a straying heart, and I can truly attest to that with what He has brought me through in the last 5 years of my life. Makes me start to wonder how pig headed I really, truly am.
On a lighter note, I’m in Chattanooga again. I flew down Tuesday morning so I could attend the concert of a lifetime that included Oh, Sleeper, Emery, and best of all Hawboy (formerly As Cities Burn… and still with Cody Bonnette on vox). I got into Chatt around 1030am and got to hang with Scott some before taking my nap that lasted a god few hours. Then shopped at McKay’s <3, had dinner with the Logan’s then Scott and I went to the show. I have been to many, many concerts in my life but I’m not sure I have ever been quite so excited as I was when Stillglow was exiting the stage and Hawkboy was setting up… Not that I didn’t like Stillglow, because I very, VERY much did like them, but it was Cody Bonnette people! He got up there with his awkward mustache and Aaron his drummer and started playing 2Bit… And I was like a giddy little school girl... I can’t even tell you how ECSTATIC I was when they played Errand Rum and Pirate Blues but what made their set the best of the entire night was the crowd knew the songs and was SO into it! I’m so used to being in Maine where good music is so very not known and I expected it to be the same there! It was EPIC (no, I’m not using that word)… Then Oh, Sleeper came on and all chaos ensued! The mosh pit kinda took over and the guys in the band started body surfing so Scott and I made a quick escape towards the back of the audience. I value my health too much to be too involved in the mosh pit, especially when surrounded by men who were a bit larger than myself… Emery came on and we made our way back to the front. There was a pit for Emery too but we were able to be basically out of it since we stayed close to the side wall. Emery put on an amazing set! They started out with… yes, you guessed it, So Cold I Can See My Breath and went right into the amazing Cheval Glass. I was SO into it I was screaming along and was told I “scream well for a girl”… I’m still not sure if that was a compliment. A couple songs later they slowed things down with a small acoustic set playing Fractions, and my theme song (one of) Ponytail Parades, and a semi acoustic Never Got To See the West Coast and kicked things back up again and ended with… yes, you are a good guesser… Walls. But we of course called for an encore and they played… mhmm… Studying Politics! It was a very good show, especially since I didn’t get pummeled in the pit! I will add the videos and pics once I can upload from my camera when I am home… Gooood stuff!!
Today was a lot of fun! Brent took me to go have lunch with Liz and him at the zoo, and Liz gave us the grand tour. Then Brent and I headed over to a park to hit some baseballs and hang and afterwards we went to see a $1 movie at the cheap seats cinema down here. It was over with just enough time for us to get back to their house to watch the Sox vs the Phillies… sadly, we lost 1-2 but it was a very tight game, obviously. Tomorrow I’m hanging out with Brent again, we may go back to the park to play ball again before it gets too hot, and then I’m shipping out with Scott and Shanon to go home, where you can breathe outside! Quite an eventful week I must say… I sure am grateful to have such amazing siblings and siblings-in-law!
God Bless,
~Jenna
Monday, June 20, 2011
Birthday Blog...
I don't feel like celebrating my birth today. It's so hard to get used to "celebrating" without a loved one that meant so much on days like these. Just wish I could fast forward to when my heart doesn't feel so shattered and empty. In the meantime I'm trying to lean on God and trust His good plan for my life. It's just that He and I sometimes disagree on "good".
Oh, Lord I look forward to the day You remove the curse from this wretched land and You set things right so my heart isn't in constant conflict with Your way and so I can be with You.
Did you know shepherd's used to break the legs of young sheep who constantly wondered away from the fold? Wellllllll, I'm doing research on this and I'm finding it's not what I and most everyone thought it was. I'm going to finish my research before presenting this, don't want to continue leading people astray in this stuff. So yes, I will keep you on the edge of your seat... Ha ha ha...
Goodnight!
~Jenna
Oh, Lord I look forward to the day You remove the curse from this wretched land and You set things right so my heart isn't in constant conflict with Your way and so I can be with You.
Did you know shepherd's used to break the legs of young sheep who constantly wondered away from the fold? Wellllllll, I'm doing research on this and I'm finding it's not what I and most everyone thought it was. I'm going to finish my research before presenting this, don't want to continue leading people astray in this stuff. So yes, I will keep you on the edge of your seat... Ha ha ha...
Goodnight!
~Jenna
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I Open My Eyes To the Breathtaking Splendor Of Brand New Skies...
So today started as the hardest day in the past 3 years of my existence. I stayed in bed willing my body to sleep until noon, just because I didn't want to go through another day. I didn't want to think about John and I didn't want to know that I had nothing to do, that another weekend was passing that I wasn't hanging with my best friend when it was all he and I used to really hang out on. And summer makes it even harder because I have so many good memories of us at Pine Point with Benny... It's so hard to let go of something you thought was so good. Anyway, I finally dragged myself out of bed and found mom in the living room and just started balling again. She tried to find the words to help but there just wasn't any. I just needed to cry. It's hard to learn someone you thought you knew so well was someone else, especially when you let that someone into your heart so deeply after your heart was torn apart by another man who was supposed to be someone else. Having nothing to do I could have sat there all day and cried, easily. But I took a shower and dressed put on some makeup to cover the crazy swollen eyes and packed a bag of stuff and took off. I didn't know where I was going but I did know at some point today I was going to end up at a beach somewhere.
I drove to Georgetown. Don't know why, it just seemed like a good idea. Saw the prettiest spot. It was a cove with an island right in the middle of the opening to the wide open sea. There was a little fog on the water and from where I was looking there was a sea-rose bush on a little hill overlooking the cove... it was breath-taking.
I took a picture of it but it doesn't do it justice. So I drove around Georgetown looking for a pier that I had been to once, long ago, but didn't find it so I decided to scoot over to Popham again.
It was like 4 when I got there and there wasn't many people but i trekked to an open spot on the beach, away from everyone, and laid down on my sweatshirt and other random articles of clothing as I did not bring a blanket and slept for like an hour. Then I decided to read for a little bit. I look up like 30 minutes later look to my left and right and see absolutely NO ONE on the beach... Weird. So I took the opportunity and managed to put my running clothes on under my other clothes (thank goodness for skirts!) and went for a run on the beach. I ran a good two miles and there was no one there. It was so amazing. There was a storm rolling in at the same time and the thunder was starting while the sky was darkening and moving fast. It was such an amazing feeling to be the only one there. So I was singing to the music playing on my zune, We Came As Romans, and it was really nice. Every runners dream right? ;-)
Well, i got back to my stuff and decided to start packing up to leave so I got to my car just as the lightening show started. So i threw my stuff in the car and went back out to watch from the rocks when something amazing happened. There was a few flashes of lightening but this really mean looking cloud was moving really fast from the other side of the cove and as it moved the sky behind it was clear, then a little piece of a rainbow came into view.
It brought to mind God's promise to Noah and made me think of God's promises to me. I've been thinking about them a lot recently because of what has been going on but seeing this really spoke to my troubled spirit. I heard God whisper to me today. "This storm will pass, and My promise will prevail, but know there are more storms ahead". I really felt this being spoken to my soul and it comforted me.
I know I'm still going to struggle with this and I do not like it at all but a little comfort goes a long ways in times like these. It's a humbling and invigorating thing when you hear God speak to you I think...
"I open up my eyes oh Lord, to see all the things You’ve done
I open up my heart oh God, to feel Your unfailing love
I open up my all to You, all my life for Your glory shown
I open up my soul to You alone, come make yourself at home
And I’ll give all I have left to give
Cause it’s everything I am, Lord
And this life I’ll spend it all for You
I’ll waste it all on You
I offer up my mind to You, I long for the truth You know
I offer up my feet to You, they’ll walk straight on the path You show
I offer up my time to You, so keep me and hold me stillhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
I offer up my hands to You, Lord use them to do Your will
Let Your Spirit take me over God,
Cause it’s all I’ll ever need, yeah You’re all I’ll ever need Lord
Receive this life an offering God
Cause I’ve spent it all on You, yeah I’ll spend it all on You God"
---Ascend The Hill "Spend It All"
Be Blessed,
~Jenna
PS... my next post may be emo... and that's ok!
I drove to Georgetown. Don't know why, it just seemed like a good idea. Saw the prettiest spot. It was a cove with an island right in the middle of the opening to the wide open sea. There was a little fog on the water and from where I was looking there was a sea-rose bush on a little hill overlooking the cove... it was breath-taking.
I took a picture of it but it doesn't do it justice. So I drove around Georgetown looking for a pier that I had been to once, long ago, but didn't find it so I decided to scoot over to Popham again. It was like 4 when I got there and there wasn't many people but i trekked to an open spot on the beach, away from everyone, and laid down on my sweatshirt and other random articles of clothing as I did not bring a blanket and slept for like an hour. Then I decided to read for a little bit. I look up like 30 minutes later look to my left and right and see absolutely NO ONE on the beach... Weird. So I took the opportunity and managed to put my running clothes on under my other clothes (thank goodness for skirts!) and went for a run on the beach. I ran a good two miles and there was no one there. It was so amazing. There was a storm rolling in at the same time and the thunder was starting while the sky was darkening and moving fast. It was such an amazing feeling to be the only one there. So I was singing to the music playing on my zune, We Came As Romans, and it was really nice. Every runners dream right? ;-)
Well, i got back to my stuff and decided to start packing up to leave so I got to my car just as the lightening show started. So i threw my stuff in the car and went back out to watch from the rocks when something amazing happened. There was a few flashes of lightening but this really mean looking cloud was moving really fast from the other side of the cove and as it moved the sky behind it was clear, then a little piece of a rainbow came into view.
It brought to mind God's promise to Noah and made me think of God's promises to me. I've been thinking about them a lot recently because of what has been going on but seeing this really spoke to my troubled spirit. I heard God whisper to me today. "This storm will pass, and My promise will prevail, but know there are more storms ahead". I really felt this being spoken to my soul and it comforted me. 
I know I'm still going to struggle with this and I do not like it at all but a little comfort goes a long ways in times like these. It's a humbling and invigorating thing when you hear God speak to you I think..."I open up my eyes oh Lord, to see all the things You’ve done
I open up my heart oh God, to feel Your unfailing love
I open up my all to You, all my life for Your glory shown
I open up my soul to You alone, come make yourself at home
And I’ll give all I have left to give
Cause it’s everything I am, Lord
And this life I’ll spend it all for You
I’ll waste it all on You
I offer up my mind to You, I long for the truth You know
I offer up my feet to You, they’ll walk straight on the path You show
I offer up my time to You, so keep me and hold me stillhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
I offer up my hands to You, Lord use them to do Your will
Let Your Spirit take me over God,
Cause it’s all I’ll ever need, yeah You’re all I’ll ever need Lord
Receive this life an offering God
Cause I’ve spent it all on You, yeah I’ll spend it all on You God"
---Ascend The Hill "Spend It All"
Be Blessed,
~Jenna
PS... my next post may be emo... and that's ok!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
This Isn't Happening?...
It's been a tough week. This set of classes i'm taking is coming to an end. Dad had surgery today. Got in a substantial fight with John and haven't talked to him in what feels like weeeeeks, even though it's only been a few days. And tomorrow, just to top things off, is my last day at a job I have loved to hate and hated to love for the last 4 years... which just happen to be the most turbulent 4 years of my existence. I can't help but think I'm leaving a little piece of me behind at the pediatrics office. I know it wasn't really my job that has gotten me where I am today but because I started there when my husband was divorcing me I am beginning to remember all those terrible feelings and I fear I am mixing them up with the "normal" new job jitters. I am actually feeling quite terrified of starting a new job because of what was going on when I started at CM Peds. I guess that means I'm still healing. Isn't that ridiculous?!? It angers me so much to know I am STILL feeling the affects of a selfish decision made by the man who vowed to love and protect me always. It's been years since I have had dreams about this man and this week has been littered with them. I wake up feeling my emo alter ego fighting for it's reign in my wardrobe again. I guess it doesn't help that John and I aren't getting along very well right now either.
I really don't think I'm afraid of change I just think the last time there was THIS MUCH change I was learning how to live again apart from my other half. Those of you who have been divorced know what I mean. It's so unnatural to have to learn how to exist apart from someone with whom you were one. And here I am FOUR FREEKING YEARS LATER having a cry fest over it all.
On a not so selfish wah wah it's all about me note... Dad's surgery was a success so far. For those that do not know he had to have his leg below the knee amputated due to circulation issues. The surgery was scheduled a week ago and was postponed twice so that has been a stress. Thanks to all who have been praying! I haven't seen him yet as he is still heavily medicated but will be seeing him tomorrow.
Back to my previous blog... I really have got to learn to trust God with all this. It's just so hard to dismiss emotions as being utterly ridiculous... even if they are.
But tonight I will sooth myself with Brandon Rike's emo lyrics and music from his band Dead Poetic's 2nd release New Medicines the song Hostages...
"Ten frozen memories lost into your pool of interrupted thought.
I could have reminisced for hours.
But right now you are all I get to remember.
I'm waiting for something to get through to you.
I'm waiting to see a truer side of you, and we're...
Let's make this quick. I'll bother you, you'll tear it away.
Cut broken enemies off, into your pit of non-valuable losses.
Could have stayed and dreamt for days,
But the sight must be far worse than the taste.
And I'm waiting for something to get through to you.
And I'm waiting to burn compassion into you. and we're..
We don't even know if we're to blame for all of this,
We don't even know if we're in the clear, the clear.
We don't even know if we should bank on any of this
And we don't even know if we'll go,
So let's make this quick. I'll bother you, you'll tear it away.
This isn't happening, leave me with myself."
OK... Maybe it's a little TOO emo for tonight.. but it is a GREAT song.
Did a devotional this morn and I think it really helped me get through the day. I'm excited about finally understanding what the "Daily Bread" magazine thing is great little devotionals!
Anywho. Night.
~Jenna
I really don't think I'm afraid of change I just think the last time there was THIS MUCH change I was learning how to live again apart from my other half. Those of you who have been divorced know what I mean. It's so unnatural to have to learn how to exist apart from someone with whom you were one. And here I am FOUR FREEKING YEARS LATER having a cry fest over it all.
On a not so selfish wah wah it's all about me note... Dad's surgery was a success so far. For those that do not know he had to have his leg below the knee amputated due to circulation issues. The surgery was scheduled a week ago and was postponed twice so that has been a stress. Thanks to all who have been praying! I haven't seen him yet as he is still heavily medicated but will be seeing him tomorrow.
Back to my previous blog... I really have got to learn to trust God with all this. It's just so hard to dismiss emotions as being utterly ridiculous... even if they are.
But tonight I will sooth myself with Brandon Rike's emo lyrics and music from his band Dead Poetic's 2nd release New Medicines the song Hostages...
"Ten frozen memories lost into your pool of interrupted thought.
I could have reminisced for hours.
But right now you are all I get to remember.
I'm waiting for something to get through to you.
I'm waiting to see a truer side of you, and we're...
Let's make this quick. I'll bother you, you'll tear it away.
Cut broken enemies off, into your pit of non-valuable losses.
Could have stayed and dreamt for days,
But the sight must be far worse than the taste.
And I'm waiting for something to get through to you.
And I'm waiting to burn compassion into you. and we're..
We don't even know if we're to blame for all of this,
We don't even know if we're in the clear, the clear.
We don't even know if we should bank on any of this
And we don't even know if we'll go,
So let's make this quick. I'll bother you, you'll tear it away.
This isn't happening, leave me with myself."
OK... Maybe it's a little TOO emo for tonight.. but it is a GREAT song.
Did a devotional this morn and I think it really helped me get through the day. I'm excited about finally understanding what the "Daily Bread" magazine thing is great little devotionals!
Anywho. Night.
~Jenna
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Just Be Still and Breath...
So today at church we sang a new song (to us) called Speak, O Lord. I find it stuck in my head right about now and am thinking of how much I long to hear the Lord speak to me. It feels like it's been so long since I've heard Him speak in my life. Maybe I've been too caught up in my own crap to actually listen. Ivoryline says:
"Did you hear me call your name?
Did you hear me call?
Or were your thoughts just too loud?
Were your thoughts just loud enough for you to miss it?
I thought you'd be listening a little more intently for Me.
But I'll be here when your ready.
Until then just be still and breath.
Just be still and breath.
But I was screaming,
I was screaming"
I'm not the best at listening. I get a little restless after about 2 minutes. But BE STILL AND BREATH. Be still. We also sang Be Still My Soul. I picked that one because I need to be still. I'm so caught up with this stupid life; boyfriend, work, school, health, money, blah blah blah. What does it matter if I can't hear the one person "who knows me yet still loves (me) completely" (Relient K- I Am Understood?)???
Be still my soul the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
LEAVE TO THY GOD TO ORDER AND PROVIDE
Through thorny ways, He faithful will remain
Be still my soul when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last
Why is it so hard to trust God to work things out. He says He will. Shouldn't God's word be good enough? Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
So be still and leave it to God to order, provide, and work things out for my good. Doesn't seem so hard... riiiggghhhtt...
Be still and breath.
~Jenna
"Did you hear me call your name?
Did you hear me call?
Or were your thoughts just too loud?
Were your thoughts just loud enough for you to miss it?
I thought you'd be listening a little more intently for Me.
But I'll be here when your ready.
Until then just be still and breath.
Just be still and breath.
But I was screaming,
I was screaming"
I'm not the best at listening. I get a little restless after about 2 minutes. But BE STILL AND BREATH. Be still. We also sang Be Still My Soul. I picked that one because I need to be still. I'm so caught up with this stupid life; boyfriend, work, school, health, money, blah blah blah. What does it matter if I can't hear the one person "who knows me yet still loves (me) completely" (Relient K- I Am Understood?)???
Be still my soul the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
LEAVE TO THY GOD TO ORDER AND PROVIDE
Through thorny ways, He faithful will remain
Be still my soul when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last
Why is it so hard to trust God to work things out. He says He will. Shouldn't God's word be good enough? Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
So be still and leave it to God to order, provide, and work things out for my good. Doesn't seem so hard... riiiggghhhtt...
Be still and breath.
~Jenna
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Tides Are Turning...
Well... It's been a while since I've been here...
A lot has changed in my life in the last year. I've come to places I didn't think I would ever find, nor was I interested in finding them, they kinda just found me. It's funny how God can work through everything and still I forget to trust Him. How is it possible He can still find me favorable when I doubt His ability and love... EVEN WHEN HE SPELLS IT RIGHT OUT TO ME?!? (Romans 8:28) How hard is that? Sheeeeez, anyway... In this last year I have felt a heaviness leave my heart. Anyone who has ever lost someone to death or divorce probably knows that feeling, the actual physical feeling of grief that just sits on your heart. Well, that feeling is finally gone. I've had my time to grieve and I am so thankful God gave me that time, because i have learned so many, SO SO SO many valuable things in this time that will, and have been important in my life. And now I am SO thankful God has put an amazing man in my life that has brought me joy abundantly. Yea, yea, I know I said I'd never date another man and this and that but I was wrong. God obviously had another plan for me then what I had planned for myself, which is totally mind-blowing because He's got a way better imagination than I do. I have found myself in this state of being so excited for what my future holds again. Well, if God can bring me out of what He has in the last few years, I believe He's got some more amazing stuff planned for me and I can't wait to find out what it is... Anyway, this blog has been a long time coming but I must keep it short.
If there is anyone reading this who finds themselves in a place full of grief and despair and troubles and worries don't be dismayed. God is amazing and if you are willing to trust in Him, He will reach out and pluck you from the trials and troubles of this world. He's not going to do it in your time or in a way you may think He should, but trust His words and trust His love. His love can and will conquer all. God made this simple through His words in the Bible. Jeremiah 29: 11-12,Romans 8:28, and Psalm 147:3 and so many many more. Take His words to heart. Lean on His goodness and love and know that He is the Almighty God and with Him nothing is impossible!
Blessings,
~Jennanana
A lot has changed in my life in the last year. I've come to places I didn't think I would ever find, nor was I interested in finding them, they kinda just found me. It's funny how God can work through everything and still I forget to trust Him. How is it possible He can still find me favorable when I doubt His ability and love... EVEN WHEN HE SPELLS IT RIGHT OUT TO ME?!? (Romans 8:28) How hard is that? Sheeeeez, anyway... In this last year I have felt a heaviness leave my heart. Anyone who has ever lost someone to death or divorce probably knows that feeling, the actual physical feeling of grief that just sits on your heart. Well, that feeling is finally gone. I've had my time to grieve and I am so thankful God gave me that time, because i have learned so many, SO SO SO many valuable things in this time that will, and have been important in my life. And now I am SO thankful God has put an amazing man in my life that has brought me joy abundantly. Yea, yea, I know I said I'd never date another man and this and that but I was wrong. God obviously had another plan for me then what I had planned for myself, which is totally mind-blowing because He's got a way better imagination than I do. I have found myself in this state of being so excited for what my future holds again. Well, if God can bring me out of what He has in the last few years, I believe He's got some more amazing stuff planned for me and I can't wait to find out what it is... Anyway, this blog has been a long time coming but I must keep it short.
If there is anyone reading this who finds themselves in a place full of grief and despair and troubles and worries don't be dismayed. God is amazing and if you are willing to trust in Him, He will reach out and pluck you from the trials and troubles of this world. He's not going to do it in your time or in a way you may think He should, but trust His words and trust His love. His love can and will conquer all. God made this simple through His words in the Bible. Jeremiah 29: 11-12,Romans 8:28, and Psalm 147:3 and so many many more. Take His words to heart. Lean on His goodness and love and know that He is the Almighty God and with Him nothing is impossible!
Blessings,
~Jennanana
Monday, April 20, 2009
When I Was A Child I Acted Like I Do Now....
So I'm sitting here listening to a string quartet tribute to the band UnderOath and it's totally rad! Anyway.......
I haven't been running. Like a good girl I have listened to the doctor, even though I desperately want to run. I never would have thought I would have become so into running but nothing has helped get my frustration out like running. When I was young I was a super angry and violent kid. If you don't believe me ask my sisters, they will tell you stories that will scare you. One night when I was on the verge of a blow out with my mom she came up with the idea of giving me a baseball bat and told me to take it to my bed and beat the crap out of my bed instead of bringing the frustration to her and my sisters. So I did and it worked! The only problem is... I grew up! I look like a fool beating the shiznit out of my bed with a baseball bat! So with all the frustration of having to completely uproot my entire life (new home, new job, new car, no husband, no money, a billion bills b/c my name was on EVERYTHING and someone decided he did not need to be responsible for things he should have been) I was becoming a bit overwhelmed. I had gotten advice from a random lady in a random chatroom, based on helping people newly divorced, to try running. I think this was the most important advice I got throughout the divorce time. I already knew I could and would go to God and He would get me through but I didn't know what to go with this extra energy fueled by anger and i desperately did not want to project the anger and hurt onto any of my friends or family at this time. So I tried it. I loved it! I listened to UnderOath's "They're Only Chasing Safety" and Kids In the Way's "Apparitions" and ran. I was way out in the country so not many people heard me attempting to scream my way through "I'm Content With Losing" and "A Boy Brushed Red"... Good times! The best thing was when I was coming back to the driveway, it was a long driveway and I would find my awesome cat Cadence waiting to race me down the driveway then rub all over my face when I collapsed on the grass :-). I am so thankful that God brought that lady from the chatroom for the 5 minutes we talked. It was such a "God Thang" as cliche as it is to say it... how else do you explain it? I suppose you could just say right place right time but that sucks and is so boring! Lol! :-) So I think I forgot to mention I can't run right now while my docs are working on getting my heart rate down with some new medicine. They are estimating 2 months before I can go back to it. And it has really got me down! But I'll push through and work on strengthening for now and then when I can run ( in JUNE :-( ) I may be able to run more better er er!
Anyway, that's all...
Be Blessed,
~Jennanana
I haven't been running. Like a good girl I have listened to the doctor, even though I desperately want to run. I never would have thought I would have become so into running but nothing has helped get my frustration out like running. When I was young I was a super angry and violent kid. If you don't believe me ask my sisters, they will tell you stories that will scare you. One night when I was on the verge of a blow out with my mom she came up with the idea of giving me a baseball bat and told me to take it to my bed and beat the crap out of my bed instead of bringing the frustration to her and my sisters. So I did and it worked! The only problem is... I grew up! I look like a fool beating the shiznit out of my bed with a baseball bat! So with all the frustration of having to completely uproot my entire life (new home, new job, new car, no husband, no money, a billion bills b/c my name was on EVERYTHING and someone decided he did not need to be responsible for things he should have been) I was becoming a bit overwhelmed. I had gotten advice from a random lady in a random chatroom, based on helping people newly divorced, to try running. I think this was the most important advice I got throughout the divorce time. I already knew I could and would go to God and He would get me through but I didn't know what to go with this extra energy fueled by anger and i desperately did not want to project the anger and hurt onto any of my friends or family at this time. So I tried it. I loved it! I listened to UnderOath's "They're Only Chasing Safety" and Kids In the Way's "Apparitions" and ran. I was way out in the country so not many people heard me attempting to scream my way through "I'm Content With Losing" and "A Boy Brushed Red"... Good times! The best thing was when I was coming back to the driveway, it was a long driveway and I would find my awesome cat Cadence waiting to race me down the driveway then rub all over my face when I collapsed on the grass :-). I am so thankful that God brought that lady from the chatroom for the 5 minutes we talked. It was such a "God Thang" as cliche as it is to say it... how else do you explain it? I suppose you could just say right place right time but that sucks and is so boring! Lol! :-) So I think I forgot to mention I can't run right now while my docs are working on getting my heart rate down with some new medicine. They are estimating 2 months before I can go back to it. And it has really got me down! But I'll push through and work on strengthening for now and then when I can run ( in JUNE :-( ) I may be able to run more better er er!
Anyway, that's all...
Be Blessed,
~Jennanana
Sunday, April 12, 2009
More Ramblings....
Happy Easter! I have always loved this day. As kids it always meant lots of candy and fun silly toys. Not to mention great breakfasts and dinners. But since falling in love with Jesus many years back this day has been something more. I still get the candy and the toys (thanks Mom!!) and the dinners and such but I have such joy in celebrating this day! Joy is often times missing in my life so I eat it up big time when it's found and today (for the most part) was joyous! Worship at church was wonderful! I think it would have been even better if Scott were there but we definitely made do. Vince played the electric guitar and we had a special appearance by John on the drum kit! Scooter did a special song about how blessings tend to hide in the trials in life and it was awesome!
Today would have been a good day for the rapture I think. I cannot wait until "some sweet day I'll sing up there the song of victory!" How spectacular it is going to be to hug my Jesus, like physically hug Him! Good times... good times!
This week has been a very difficult one for me. We've had issues at work. Major issues at work *rolls eyes*. Divorce Care on Wed. was very emotional. It really is great to hang out with people who have gone through or are going through divorce and have someone that actually understands where I am coming from. I love my friends and family but other then my mom I don't really talk to anyone who really understands what comes with divorce. We were talking about how everything seems to go to heck when people decide to get divorced and how they act like children throughout it and someone brought up a really great point. Divorce is something that God HATES, it is not off Him, it is not right, therefore since it is not of Him it's going to be something of the devil and in turn something very messy and confusing (God says confusion comes from Satan) and just not good for you. I wondered why I was so sick both emotionally and physically for a very long time when I first got divorced and now I know why. And this is how it should be. If something that is not of God enters in so close it should make any follower of Christ absolutely sick. If it doesn't I would say there is something wrong. If it doesn't I would say that person needs to open up there Bible and read a few things like Mark 10: 2-12 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. Right in Malachi 2:16 it says "'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel".
If God hates it shouldn't we? I know I hate it but you probably already guessed that....
Enough rambling for tonight...
Happy Easter to all!
~Jennanana
Today would have been a good day for the rapture I think. I cannot wait until "some sweet day I'll sing up there the song of victory!" How spectacular it is going to be to hug my Jesus, like physically hug Him! Good times... good times!
This week has been a very difficult one for me. We've had issues at work. Major issues at work *rolls eyes*. Divorce Care on Wed. was very emotional. It really is great to hang out with people who have gone through or are going through divorce and have someone that actually understands where I am coming from. I love my friends and family but other then my mom I don't really talk to anyone who really understands what comes with divorce. We were talking about how everything seems to go to heck when people decide to get divorced and how they act like children throughout it and someone brought up a really great point. Divorce is something that God HATES, it is not off Him, it is not right, therefore since it is not of Him it's going to be something of the devil and in turn something very messy and confusing (God says confusion comes from Satan) and just not good for you. I wondered why I was so sick both emotionally and physically for a very long time when I first got divorced and now I know why. And this is how it should be. If something that is not of God enters in so close it should make any follower of Christ absolutely sick. If it doesn't I would say there is something wrong. If it doesn't I would say that person needs to open up there Bible and read a few things like Mark 10: 2-12 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. Right in Malachi 2:16 it says "'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel".
If God hates it shouldn't we? I know I hate it but you probably already guessed that....
Enough rambling for tonight...
Happy Easter to all!
~Jennanana
Friday, April 3, 2009
Easter Is Upon Us...
With Easter around the corner I've been thinking a lot about the crucifixion of Jesus. I always seem to get excited this time of the year thinking that Easter is coming. I was thinking today, after a conversation some co-workers of mine had about Catholicism and it made me wonder how practicing Catholics celebrate Easter. Do they get excited like I do? It seems to me that 9 times out of 10 a crucifix is used to depict the Catholic "denomination". You know the one, with Jesus hanging limply on the cross, the crown of thorns piercing His brow, with a look of pain and sorrow on His face. I don't doubt that this is how the crucifixion looked but, what's showing the best thing about this Lord we love and celebrate? What's depicting the fact that He ACTUALLY ROSE FROM THE DEAD? Any man can die. There have even been plenty of men that died to save the lives of others. So then if we leave Jesus on the cross, suffering, what separates Him from all the other "gods" people worship? It's the fact that Jesus rose from the grave with the keys of death and hell in His perfect hands that makes Him our Savior! And this is why I get excited at Easter time. I love celebrating the victory Jesus has over death. And guess what? Because Jesus conquered death, so shall I! I'm going to live forever with Him! And I can't wait for that forever to begin! You know what's even greater? In Revelation He tells us not only will we live forever with Him but we will reign like priests and kings for one thousand years after most of the events of Revelation. Amazing! How could anyone say no to this?
"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
1 Corinthians 15:55
Blessings,
~Jennanana
"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
1 Corinthians 15:55
Blessings,
~Jennanana
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saying Goodbyes and Loving 1 Peter
Wow, what a crazy weekend! I just got home from The Logan's house where I said goodbye to Ken and Melissa and Scott. I spent Saturday with Ken and Melissa helping them pack and move stuff into storage, fun! I know most people wouldn't count that as much fun but I'm pretty sure I'm not most people AND I'm pretty sure that was the most fun I've had in like months... I got there at about 2ish and April was there. We basically filled up boxes with random things for a little while until Ken got back with the big moving truck. He backed it up to the side of the building so we could just throw things out the 2nd story window at him, it was fun! After April and I did just most of the boxes Kens cousin PJ showed up and totally rearranged the truck, which is good cuz we needed A LOT more room. Then a little while later Shanon, Scott, and John showed up. I went to get some pizza and drinks and stuff and when I got back to the apartment I made Blue Lightning and it was delicious. After having one cup I was like, totally wired for the rest of the night. Ken, PJ, John, Scott and myself all went to the storage unit to empty the truck and I had a BAD case of the giggles. Between Scott's "little sheet heads" comment and John's comment on the box of toys I could hardly breathe! It was nice to just be able to chill with Ken and Melissa for one more day before the big move. Sleeping on their hardwood floor with a little blanket and half a pillow was a little difficult and resulted in only 2.5 hours of sleep but hey, who's counting ;-).
The three of them took off today at about 3:00pm and I am really going to miss chilling with Ken and Melissa but hopefully this whole Tennessee thing will go really good for them and Ken opens a recording studio and I can go work at it ;-)... Here's to wishful thinking!...
On a whole different topic I have been thinking a lot about the book of 1st Peter. If you haven't read it go read it now! I believe it's only 5 chapters... But seriously if you love Jesus you NEED to read this. I almost cry reading about how much Peter loved Jesus, how completely submerged in this "great romance" between himself and his Savior. I find myself thinking "hey, I want to be that in love with Him". So I made a decision... Most of you know I'm divorced (the name of my blog kinda gives it away) and I HATE it. I haven't started the whole dating thing, and I'm not going to. But even with that said, I still have this nerve in the back of my head that likes to remind me I'm alone, and I might be for the rest of my time on earth (alone as in no boyfriend or fiance of spouse). When this little nerve starts doing it's thing I start to get nervous and think "oh, maybe I should go out and try this whole dating thing" or something like that and I get confused, off track, and worried. So I have decided any time this little nerve starts transmitting these crazy thoughts I'm going to dive into the book of Peter. I'm going to fall more in love with Jesus just like Peter. I want to be so completely love-struck that people will ask what I'm on! I used to be like that back in high school but my attention moved from God to my spouse, and as much as I love Ryan, he is nothing compared to Jesus! In a way I have been blessed through this divorce, with an opportunity to focus completely on God instead of a spouse or whatever to fall back madly in love with Him. I want to be able to love in every circumstance. 1st Peter 4:8 is the verse I want to live my life by:
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
In Christ,
~Jennanana
The three of them took off today at about 3:00pm and I am really going to miss chilling with Ken and Melissa but hopefully this whole Tennessee thing will go really good for them and Ken opens a recording studio and I can go work at it ;-)... Here's to wishful thinking!...
On a whole different topic I have been thinking a lot about the book of 1st Peter. If you haven't read it go read it now! I believe it's only 5 chapters... But seriously if you love Jesus you NEED to read this. I almost cry reading about how much Peter loved Jesus, how completely submerged in this "great romance" between himself and his Savior. I find myself thinking "hey, I want to be that in love with Him". So I made a decision... Most of you know I'm divorced (the name of my blog kinda gives it away) and I HATE it. I haven't started the whole dating thing, and I'm not going to. But even with that said, I still have this nerve in the back of my head that likes to remind me I'm alone, and I might be for the rest of my time on earth (alone as in no boyfriend or fiance of spouse). When this little nerve starts doing it's thing I start to get nervous and think "oh, maybe I should go out and try this whole dating thing" or something like that and I get confused, off track, and worried. So I have decided any time this little nerve starts transmitting these crazy thoughts I'm going to dive into the book of Peter. I'm going to fall more in love with Jesus just like Peter. I want to be so completely love-struck that people will ask what I'm on! I used to be like that back in high school but my attention moved from God to my spouse, and as much as I love Ryan, he is nothing compared to Jesus! In a way I have been blessed through this divorce, with an opportunity to focus completely on God instead of a spouse or whatever to fall back madly in love with Him. I want to be able to love in every circumstance. 1st Peter 4:8 is the verse I want to live my life by:
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
In Christ,
~Jennanana
Friday, March 27, 2009
So I have decided I do not know what to blog about any more. My life seems to be the same ol sad story every time I try to write it.
I still hate being divorced. I have joined something called Divorce Care, which is a support group but run by The Vineyard. I like it because it is Christ centered and if this whole ordeal taught me anything it taught me to make sure everything I do is Christ centered. This last week we went over the topic of "new relationships" dun dun dunnnn... Apparently I'm slow at recovering because the people that created the whole book and dvd thing say that you should wait 1 year for every 4 you were married before ou get into another relationship. So using this equation I "could" have started dating wayyyyyyy back in Sept 2007... HOLY FRICKIN CRAP PEOPLE! it still unnerves me just thinking about going on a date with a boy...ahem, man (teehehe). Anyway the book has some really great ways to check yourself before getting into anything before you are healed to the point where you don't bring the hurt and anger from the failed marriage into the new relationship.
I feel like I'm in a valley. I can't get out of it on either side. But there is hope and I know this. There is sonshine in my valley, and I know that is all I really need. I want to live my life like the Valley Song by Jars of Clay....
You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
Alleluia, alleluia
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
Yeah
Alleluia, alleluia
Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy
On another sad note my dear friends Ken and Melissa are moving on Sunday to Tennessee and I'm very sad. I don't remember being this sad about friends going their way before. I am going to miss them a lot... like A LOT! And with them leaving Scott leaves for a month for his tour, and I'm going to miss him but only a little ;-)
An a not sad note I have re-found my As Cities Burn "Come Now Sleep" cd and that makes me extremely happy!!!! I have found this to be an album full of raw emotion and wonderful messages in the music. Definitely a band I have in my top 5... which, as most of you know, is VERY selective!
Anyway, to bed I go.
Thank You, Jesus, for getting me through so far!
~Jenna
I still hate being divorced. I have joined something called Divorce Care, which is a support group but run by The Vineyard. I like it because it is Christ centered and if this whole ordeal taught me anything it taught me to make sure everything I do is Christ centered. This last week we went over the topic of "new relationships" dun dun dunnnn... Apparently I'm slow at recovering because the people that created the whole book and dvd thing say that you should wait 1 year for every 4 you were married before ou get into another relationship. So using this equation I "could" have started dating wayyyyyyy back in Sept 2007... HOLY FRICKIN CRAP PEOPLE! it still unnerves me just thinking about going on a date with a boy...ahem, man (teehehe). Anyway the book has some really great ways to check yourself before getting into anything before you are healed to the point where you don't bring the hurt and anger from the failed marriage into the new relationship.
I feel like I'm in a valley. I can't get out of it on either side. But there is hope and I know this. There is sonshine in my valley, and I know that is all I really need. I want to live my life like the Valley Song by Jars of Clay....
You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
Alleluia, alleluia
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
Yeah
Alleluia, alleluia
Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy
On another sad note my dear friends Ken and Melissa are moving on Sunday to Tennessee and I'm very sad. I don't remember being this sad about friends going their way before. I am going to miss them a lot... like A LOT! And with them leaving Scott leaves for a month for his tour, and I'm going to miss him but only a little ;-)
An a not sad note I have re-found my As Cities Burn "Come Now Sleep" cd and that makes me extremely happy!!!! I have found this to be an album full of raw emotion and wonderful messages in the music. Definitely a band I have in my top 5... which, as most of you know, is VERY selective!
Anyway, to bed I go.
Thank You, Jesus, for getting me through so far!
~Jenna
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Frustrations...
I am struggling. With forces unseen as much as forces seen daily. Every morning it is a battle to get out of bed and just live. Must of you know I have been sick and now am working on getting my thyroid issues figured out. Throughout all of this I have finally been hit with the realization I'm letting my diabetes pretty much kill me. I haven't taken care of it for many years now. A lot of people will speculate and say it started when Ryan left me and this is my way of "coping" but it really isn't that. Do you have any idea how freeking annoying it is to account for EVERY BIT of food that I eat? That I have to make myself bleed at every meal to check my blood sugar? That I have to do math and count carbs and beat myself up when I screw it up even though I tried real hard? That's really what it comes down to. If I'm not trying then I can't get mad at myself when my blood sugar is high. So, I went to the docs last week and found my A1C is 10.8 which puts my average blood sugar, for the past 3 months at about 280. So the doc gives me crap, my mom gives me crap, my family gives me crap and so on and so forth. YES, I know it's out of love but it's really annoying that I, being a divorced 22 yr old who lives more independently than most 22 year olds, cannot just get this. Sooo... Last week I started to check my blood sugar, I've done well for this past week but I cannot get the frigging sugar levels down. Seriously people, you have no idea how hard it is to finally be doing things correctly and AGAIN having no good results. Some people may thing it will take some time for the results to get better but that's not right. It really is one of those instant things. Do some research on Type 1 Diabetes if you don't believe me.
Anyway, in the meantime I hate my job more and more, and the longer I stay the closer I get to a management position which will possibly come in Sept when the "Team Leader" goes on maternity leave and then goes to a per diem position. ARGH! I just feel so stuck! Most of my friends are moving to TN and they all want me to go too but I just don't feel right about following other people. I know I should have my own trail to blaze I just have to find it....
I guess that's enough ranting...
Good night,
~Jennanana
Anyway, in the meantime I hate my job more and more, and the longer I stay the closer I get to a management position which will possibly come in Sept when the "Team Leader" goes on maternity leave and then goes to a per diem position. ARGH! I just feel so stuck! Most of my friends are moving to TN and they all want me to go too but I just don't feel right about following other people. I know I should have my own trail to blaze I just have to find it....
I guess that's enough ranting...
Good night,
~Jennanana
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Still Love... Real Love... "Love" Love
I'm told love can help heal. And by heal I mean any kind of heal, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I've always believed this. It may not be a magical and flashy in-your-face kind of thing but I have always believed Love can heal. This whole thought comes from an article from Relevant Magazine that was emailed to me (thanks Shanon!) titled Being In "Love" Love.
I was instantly captured by this title and those of you that know me know why... For those of you who don't... It's pretty much just because I am a dork who says stuff like "like" that... Catch my drift? Anyway...
The article was about Love and how Love is defined. The author of this blog goes on to talk about how God is Love and how love is one of the very few things all humans need and desire. Therefore if God is Love and Love is needed isn't this need actually for God? WOA! So anyway everyone should check the article out. While I DO NOT agree with everything Relevant Magazine stands for I do think this article is one everyone should read...
Speaking about Relevant... I found it very interesting how there are like 3 categories in the "featured" menu on their web site "God", "Life", and "Progressive Culture"... what is up with that? I guess I don't understand how the first two can be separated, going back to the love theory... If God is life how can the two be separated? oi... and how is "movies books and films" considered "progressive" culture?
Anyway back to love...
I kind of find it weird that while suffering through the aftermath of a divorce that was not my choice, losing the only man I have ever loved (in a romantic way), and having everything I dreamed and worked for torn away from my death grip, I have become a crusader of Love. Once I had what I considered "everything" stripped away from me, I turned back to the only place that I could... I had burned all my bridges in my relationship with my husband and became a failure and another number to add to the heart wrenching divorce stats. All I did was turn around (not literally, but stay with me for a minute) and there was Love, with His arms wide open and His heart absolutely broken for mine. It was then that I realized the verse in Corinthians wasn't just some pretty wall hanging but words to live by. Absolutely live by. And this Love is what I want to be, not just what I want to show not just an action but a life. If we are created in the image of God, and God is Love, then shouldn't we also be Love? This is what I want....
We want love, love at the core
The cold of the flesh always seems to creep inside of my chest
And I need the pulse of You God
To fill these veins and touch my heart so I can start
Living again
We've seen the dark of the night
Son won't You come shine some light on our lives
We want love, love at the core
So much more then what we're living for
We want love, we want love
Love at the core
I'm numb to cries of this world
As I lye holding on
On You with all of me my everything
I need You to breathe into me
Son won't You come shine
Love, love at the core
So much more then what we're living for
We want love, we want love
Love at the core
So much more of this life
That we're reaching for
We want love
Sweeter than wine You are
You are
We've seen the dark of the night
Son won't You come shine some light on our lives
We want love, love at the core
So much more then what we're living for
We want love, we want love
Love at the core
So much more of this
Life that we're reaching for
We want love to bind us tonight
Leave behind your own disguise
So love can find you and I
I was instantly captured by this title and those of you that know me know why... For those of you who don't... It's pretty much just because I am a dork who says stuff like "like" that... Catch my drift? Anyway...
The article was about Love and how Love is defined. The author of this blog goes on to talk about how God is Love and how love is one of the very few things all humans need and desire. Therefore if God is Love and Love is needed isn't this need actually for God? WOA! So anyway everyone should check the article out. While I DO NOT agree with everything Relevant Magazine stands for I do think this article is one everyone should read...
Speaking about Relevant... I found it very interesting how there are like 3 categories in the "featured" menu on their web site "God", "Life", and "Progressive Culture"... what is up with that? I guess I don't understand how the first two can be separated, going back to the love theory... If God is life how can the two be separated? oi... and how is "movies books and films" considered "progressive" culture?
Anyway back to love...
I kind of find it weird that while suffering through the aftermath of a divorce that was not my choice, losing the only man I have ever loved (in a romantic way), and having everything I dreamed and worked for torn away from my death grip, I have become a crusader of Love. Once I had what I considered "everything" stripped away from me, I turned back to the only place that I could... I had burned all my bridges in my relationship with my husband and became a failure and another number to add to the heart wrenching divorce stats. All I did was turn around (not literally, but stay with me for a minute) and there was Love, with His arms wide open and His heart absolutely broken for mine. It was then that I realized the verse in Corinthians wasn't just some pretty wall hanging but words to live by. Absolutely live by. And this Love is what I want to be, not just what I want to show not just an action but a life. If we are created in the image of God, and God is Love, then shouldn't we also be Love? This is what I want....
We want love, love at the core
The cold of the flesh always seems to creep inside of my chest
And I need the pulse of You God
To fill these veins and touch my heart so I can start
Living again
We've seen the dark of the night
Son won't You come shine some light on our lives
We want love, love at the core
So much more then what we're living for
We want love, we want love
Love at the core
I'm numb to cries of this world
As I lye holding on
On You with all of me my everything
I need You to breathe into me
Son won't You come shine
Love, love at the core
So much more then what we're living for
We want love, we want love
Love at the core
So much more of this life
That we're reaching for
We want love
Sweeter than wine You are
You are
We've seen the dark of the night
Son won't You come shine some light on our lives
We want love, love at the core
So much more then what we're living for
We want love, we want love
Love at the core
So much more of this
Life that we're reaching for
We want love to bind us tonight
Leave behind your own disguise
So love can find you and I
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sorrow and Joy Met One Day On the Road To My Heart
When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."
There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
"Calmer Of the Storm" by Downhere
So, I've had a bad few days. Maybe being alone isn't the best thing lol. I really do enjoy the time I have to do whatever, playing my bass, my xbox, singing and dancing like a fool etc... But lately I can't stop thinking of the divorce. Not that I have ever stopped thinking about it but it seems to be on my mind a lot more. It's more than likely due to the fact that a friend of mine is about to get a divorce and another friend of mine is getting married and my little sister is getting married, a whole bunch of friends are pregnant... and here I am. In my hometown, in my mom's house. I'm tired of feeling stuck but at the same time I know I'm not stuck. Maybe physically and locationally I am stuck but, though I still miss my husband and wish we could have worked our way through our issues instead of giving up, I have moved on with my life as I have had to to survive. You know? The song posted above was brought up by someone the other day and I had to chuckle because it reminded me of a beautiful letter Ryan had written me when we were dating. Then started the chain effect and all these little cute things that he said starts popping into my mind, I sooo wish there were a button to turn of this flood of emotion that is a result of these memories. But there isn't and even if there were I don't think i would use it. I think it's so weird when people tell me not to "look back" and stuff. Short of amnesia, how am I supposed to forget something, someone that changed my life forever? Why am I expected to go on forever thinking he's not "good enough" for me when I gave him my vows on June 26th, 2005? If i could "get over" someone so quickly why would I have married him in the first place? It's an asinine assumption, but it is 2009 and I supposed I should not be surprised...
Anyway. In the midst of all this sorrow I am soooooo very delighted that I can smile and feel the joy of Jesus. Seriously, I'm not even just saying that b/c I am a Christian. Sometimes the joy is almost overwhelming, hence my random "I like Jesus" or "I love Jesus" outbursts (and you all thought I was just trying to get attention lol). It's sad that it took losing the "earthly" (sorry for the cliche) love of my life to become so much closer with the TRUE "eternal" love of my life. *sigh*
Night everyone!
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Love,
~Jennanana
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."
There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
"Calmer Of the Storm" by Downhere
So, I've had a bad few days. Maybe being alone isn't the best thing lol. I really do enjoy the time I have to do whatever, playing my bass, my xbox, singing and dancing like a fool etc... But lately I can't stop thinking of the divorce. Not that I have ever stopped thinking about it but it seems to be on my mind a lot more. It's more than likely due to the fact that a friend of mine is about to get a divorce and another friend of mine is getting married and my little sister is getting married, a whole bunch of friends are pregnant... and here I am. In my hometown, in my mom's house. I'm tired of feeling stuck but at the same time I know I'm not stuck. Maybe physically and locationally I am stuck but, though I still miss my husband and wish we could have worked our way through our issues instead of giving up, I have moved on with my life as I have had to to survive. You know? The song posted above was brought up by someone the other day and I had to chuckle because it reminded me of a beautiful letter Ryan had written me when we were dating. Then started the chain effect and all these little cute things that he said starts popping into my mind, I sooo wish there were a button to turn of this flood of emotion that is a result of these memories. But there isn't and even if there were I don't think i would use it. I think it's so weird when people tell me not to "look back" and stuff. Short of amnesia, how am I supposed to forget something, someone that changed my life forever? Why am I expected to go on forever thinking he's not "good enough" for me when I gave him my vows on June 26th, 2005? If i could "get over" someone so quickly why would I have married him in the first place? It's an asinine assumption, but it is 2009 and I supposed I should not be surprised...
Anyway. In the midst of all this sorrow I am soooooo very delighted that I can smile and feel the joy of Jesus. Seriously, I'm not even just saying that b/c I am a Christian. Sometimes the joy is almost overwhelming, hence my random "I like Jesus" or "I love Jesus" outbursts (and you all thought I was just trying to get attention lol). It's sad that it took losing the "earthly" (sorry for the cliche) love of my life to become so much closer with the TRUE "eternal" love of my life. *sigh*
Night everyone!
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Love,
~Jennanana
Friday, December 26, 2008
Emanuel, Christ Is With Us!
Just something to keep you thinking and loving the One who created love...
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.
In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.
He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.' "From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made him known.
-John 1:1-18
Amazing!
~Jenna
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.
In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.
He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.' "From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made him known.
-John 1:1-18
Amazing!
~Jenna
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