Living Broken...continued...

So I have been doing a lot of thinking about my last post and I realize that it may have come across as a bit accusatory. I seem to have left out a very important part to the whole post... We all fall. So cliche right? Maybe that's why I left it out, i mean we all know it happens. I do things that don't glorify God, and actually glorify the enemy, more than I care to admit but what I don't do (and what the last post was really about) is do something that is clearly wrong, clearly sinful (yes, I said the dirty word sin) and say "I know this is sin and I'm going to continuing in this sin because I don't want to do anything about it right now..." I'm soooooo not perfect. Anyone who knows me knows how hot tempered and self-absorbed I am. I am a sinner, just like you but I choose to spend my life abolishing sin from my life and living as Jesus instructed His children to live... Like HIM. When I sin I want to stop dead in my tracks and do what I must to remedy the situation and learn from it so I will not fall prey to that trap again. When I lose my temper at a friend I desire to reconcile the relationship, apologize, and learn from the experience how to have better self-control which is a... fruit of the spirit...

I'm struggling these days just to live. My heart feels so heavy for the life that seems lost right now and I wish there were a word or phrase I could find to put things back on the right path but I know it's not mine to fix.... Cody Bonnette said it very well in the song "Into the Sea" by As Cities Burn:

"And I tried to stop it when
I saw your posture start to bend
But honey it was not mine to mend"


I don't know why I feel so burdened by this. Maybe I think it's partly my fault... maybe it is. I know it's not something I can fix so I've left in in the ever so capable hands of my Father but I still feel so wrecked, so heavy. Like war has been raging, like it has.

Stayed tuned for some exciting posts to come... and comment on here if you want to! I like comments... especially if they are not not mean!!
In Christ,
~Jennanana

God and Root Canals...

I suppose like most people I spend a lot of my time thinking about money and finances and such. It dawned on me today (ok, well not today, but at some point in my life) that I, even as a Christian, focus WAY to much on this. Last week in church the verse in Matthew about worrying, was brought up and today as I was sitting in the dentists chair waiting for the lovely Novocaine to start working it again came to mind. I was warned by Dentist McDreamy (LOL) that the cavities he was drilling today were very large and he would do what he could to fill them. So I'm sitting there thinking of what the crap I'm going to do if I need ANOTHER root canal, then I realized God was with me and I started praying. I think I fell asleep for like a minute, due to this huge wave of peace which washed over my fear of finances. I prayed for the strength and wisdom to deal with the prognosis of this trip to the dentist and I asked God to provide for me to be able to fix what I needed to. I was feeling fairly confident things were going to be fine by the time the dentist stopped drilling, which I think made the outcome even worse haha. Yes, I need another root canal. When he told me I instantly began to crumble, shaky hands and a lump in my throat from trying not to cry. Which leads me to what I wanted to write about, how quickly did I began to forget that God would provide, and began worrying about money? (For those of you who don't know a root canal, with all the work it needs after the actual canal costs around $2500)
It's a strange thing to go from a complete peace to a total state of panic and "what am I going to do". At least it is for me. It makes me feel very umm, not grounded, like I thought I was. I know that everyone can always learn more and as a Christian I know God will always teach me how to trust him more and more, but I thought I was past all this. Does anyone feel me on this?
Anyway another Bible verse, very similar to the one mentioned earlier was thrust upon my brain... Luke 12:22 "Then Jesus said to his disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear."
Here is JESUS, yes people, JESUS HIMSELF telling us not to worry about our bodies. I'd love to lie here and say this made it all better and I'm not worrying about it, but I can't say this. I will say I did feel A LOT better and was able to trust more in my Heavenly Father with this whole thing which I think was the point of this Bible verse.
Well It's late, and I'm tired and have to get up early to run (YUCK!) before church. So good night.
Blessings,
~Jennanana