Compartment Syndrome Surgery and The Word

So, I'm having surgery tomorrow. The first of two, 4-compartment fasciotomy's of my lower legs to cure my compartment syndrome. I've suffered with this wretched disorder for over 18-months and I am excited of the prospect of running without the horrendous nerve pain in my calves and numbness in my feet! But at the same time, a surgery on my lower legs is not exactly something I want to do. Add in the fact that my dad, who was also a diabetic, had many leg surgeries and ultimately had both legs amputated. He didn't have compartment syndrome, and didn't have the surgery I am having. He did has circulatory issues (causing the the need for his surgeries) which I do not have, praise Jesus. But still, it's my legs and a little scary. I was re-thinking this whole thing again today, trying to make sure I am making the right decision in having this surgery. Ultimately it isn't a necessary surgery as long as I either put up with the pain when I run, walk fast, or hike... or just stop doing those things all together. I keep coming up with the same answer that life without these things would be very, very hard and harmful to my spirit, SO this is the road I am heading down. Upon reflecting if i should have these surgeries, and why, I started reflecting on my running journey.

I started running after taking the advice of a stranger during the time my ex-husband left me and filed for a divorce. Running was one of the greatest gifts the Lord gave me during that time. The stress relief and communion time with Lord that came from running truly saved me from a lengthy stay in the dark depths of depression that ensued from an unwanted divorce. Since that time I have enjoyed and hated running and have never really been any good at it, which has been frustrating at times but also freeing at other times. I've had some great running buddies (Muffy, Anna, Joanne, Ryan, Larissa) who all kick my butt yet encouraged me so much in it.

Last year brought some of the hardest changes of my life, it was probably the second hardest year I've lived, second to the year of the divorce. I lost my dad in July, endured the betrayal of a close friend and subsequently lost that friendship, my closest friend moved away, social circles that I truly treasured shifted and changed causing other friendships to dissolve and I was experiencing this awful, tear-jerking, pain in both legs when I ran. After seeing a physical therapist, vascular surgeon, and my PCP, I was cleared of vascular issues (yay!) but told not to run for a while. This was smack-dab in the middle of the chaos that was my life.

My greatest outlet for stress and the emotional wreck that I was was being taken from me. I was so frustrated and cried out to the Lord many, many times for relief of this pain so I could run, but it just wasn't happening.... instead, the Lord did something else, He asked me to let His Word be my outlet... Ok, ok... by "He asked me to," I mean, after a very long time of me whining and complaining I started using my extra time to get into the Word more often and as I began to spend this time that I would have spent running studying Scripture I started to realize that it was giving me that same release that running, and crying out to the Lord while running, did for me earlier. It was more revelation of the Lord as Jehovah Jireh, the relational, covenant-keeping God who provides. It also helped me to re-align my eyes and made me realize that I had been dependent on the gift (running) to meet a need I had, rather than on the gift-Giver (God) to meet that need. It was a sweet revelation, much needed, and given at a time when I had extra time to spend in the presence of the Almighty to work it through with. I'm still missing the feeling of running but it isn't a need like it was earlier and I'm really excited about that. I'm so grateful that the Lord has now seen fit to put me in a place with a diagnosis and treatment (dare I say cure) for it to enable me to run without this pain and numbness and harm to my feet. Like all good things, it has been work and a journey to get here, and will continue to be work as I rehab from this surgery. I will be on crutches for weeks, non-weight bearing for the first 2 weeks and then maybe a boot, with the aggressive goal of getting back to activity in a small capacity in 4 weeks, then starting to run in 6, and the second surgery on my left leg in 2 months.
More time to delve into the Word and find my sweet comfort and provision of all my needs in His precious words...

"Your words were found, and I ate them.
Your words became a delight to me
and the joy of my heart,
for I am called by Your name,
Yahweh God of Hosts." Jeremiah 15:16

~Jennanana

3-0 to 3-1

This last year has been one of the hardest yet. The first half was filled with joy and camaraderie I didn't know I would ever get to partake in. The beautiful realization of the blessings that can be brought by community reiterated the heart of Jesus to my soul. The second half brought tragedy and heartache. The loss of my dad has been such a strange and painful road. Grief I haven't known since the divorce 10 years ago came to dwell with me, I'm unsure of how long he'll stay this time, he's at least moved out of my room to the backyard, but he's got a hammock so I think he'll be comfy and will stay a while. The second half of this year also brought the loss of many friendships, bringing out insecurities I thought I left at Oak Hill High School. It's strange how the things that made the first half of my 30th year of life so good, were a large part in what made the second half so hard. BUT GOD...

I say all this, not to dwell, or focus on the pain and uncertainty that surrounds my life but to denote the constant in my life. Even through the unexpected death of my dadio, the loss of a close friendship and subsequent friends, the change of other friendships due to distance, the loss of running, and all the other seemingly "bad" things that have happened there has been a thread of joy in my spirit...

BUT GOD...

Those two words. The best words in the world...

"But God remembered Noah..." Genesis 8:1
"But God has seen my hardship..." Genesis 31:42
"But God will redeem my life from the grave..." Psalm 49:15
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise..." 1 Corinthians 1:27
"But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love that He had for us, made us alive with the Messiah even though we were dead in trespasses." Ephesians 2:4-5

This is me connecting.... Even through these last rough six months I have stood on my "but God," I have grasped to it like the life preserver it is. I suppose going through the tragedy of divorce at such a young age has its advantages in that I was able to witness the Lord's hand pull me from the ickiest mire and sustain me as I went through that hell (PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT A PLUG FOR DIVORCE!!! I'm merely saying that if you allow the Lord to, He can use horrible things, like divorce, to give you life lessons). It makes it easier now, to know and trust His sustaining power, and also to trust that these things will ultimately lead to further maturing and intimacy with Him, and really, what is better than that?

This new year of life is already looking to be an interesting one, kicking it off in Maine to grieve the loss of my Jensui's dad, and being with my dad's family while we remember my dadio as the first year without him comes to a close. Then with the mission trip to Liberia, West Africa (Shameless plug... I'm still raising financial and prayer support for this trip if you want to be part of it!). I'm excited to see how God is going to use the degree I just graduated with, the church I'm getting more plugged in to, the friendships that have changed, my family that is growing stronger, and the (hopefully) temporary physical limitations, to make His name and glory known to Chattanooga and to the nations!

Deuces 3-0

~Jennanana

Trials, Names, Promises and Battle...

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
You preserve my life; You stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and Your right hand delivers me.
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me;
Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands." Psalm 138:7-8

I know I said it last time, but I say again, it has been quite the ride these last few months. In the wake of dad's death other loses have ensued my life, some good, some bad, all hard and painful but full of sweet moments from the Lord.
In this time of trial the Lord has drawn so, very near. His presence is the sweetest balm to my broken heart and His Word has been my sustenance. Seriously, have you read the Bible? It's freaking amazing! One of my current studies is on the Names of God...
In the Old Testament God reveals Himself with different names. Each name reveals a characteristic of God that He wanted Israel to know about Him. The name LORD is the most often used name of God and means Jehovah, the covenant-keeping, relational God. Most of the names revealed are a compound of that root, LORD, and something else. So far we've studied Jehovah Jireh, the LORD Who Provides (find this story in Genesis 22). This was so relevant to me always because I am constantly aware of my needs. I think I most often attributed this name of God to provision of money or food but when you look at the text God provided a sacrifice so that Abraham did not need to sacrifice Isaac. Jehovah Jireh is the LORD who has provided a way for us to have relationship with our Father! Not merely provisions for day to day living, provision for ETERNAL life!

Next, we looked at Jehovah Rapha, the LORD my Healer (find this story in Exodus 15 -verse 22 is where this particular story starts but it's good to read in context... context is key!!). Let me set the stage... "Then Moses led Israel on from the Red Sea, and they went out to the Wilderness of Shur. They journeyed for three days in the wilderness without finding water."(verse 22) After three days of no water, they found water at a place they called Marah, but it was bitter and undrinkable. They freaked out. Now- this says they traveled for three days, from what? (brace yourselves) Three days prior to them freaking out at the bitter waters of Marah they watched THE RED SEA PART BEFORE THEIR VERY EYES! They walked through the sea on dry ground, then watched as it closed in around their pursuing enemies, and three days later their having a wah-wah. God revealed His power, and protection over, and heart for His people at the Red Sea. Three days later, God tests them to see if they remember who He is and His record to care for them... They fail... but yet, God still reveals to them another one of His characteristics AND gives them a promise. He tells them that if they keep His commands and statutes and do what is right in the eyes of God, that He would not inflict on them any of the ailments of the Egyptians, "For I AM Yahweh who heals you." Did yall catch that? Israel failed the test, they forgot God's record in a matter of three days and He still pours out onto them a promise and reveals Himself more to them! This name of God is so close to my heart for so many reasons, least of all my physical ailment of Diabetes, and most of all the healing of my broken heart and broken spirit caused by a fallen world.

Today was the sweetest name yet, Jehovah Nissi, the Lord my Banner (find story in Exodus 17). While it's interesting that Exodus 17 starts out with another story of Israel wah-wahing over water... again, this story starts at verse 8, "At Rephidim, Amalek came and fought against Israel." If you've been reading through Exodus, you know that this is the first battle that Israel is in, and if you haven't been reading through it... now you know! But this is important! Amalek is a descendant of Esau. It is a widely believed hermeneutic that Esau and his descendants, such as Amalek, are pictures of the flesh. This means anytime they are mentioned you can think of them as the fallen flesh that we are told to battle in the New Testament (check out Galatians 5 and Romans 8 for just 2 of MANY references to this). So, in verse 8 Amalek comes... but, from where? OUT OF NOWHERE! And how does he come? Fighting. So Moses tells Joshua to take some men and go into the valley to fight, and he, Aaron, and Hur go up to the hilltop with the staff of God. Every time Moses held the staff up, Joshua and Israel advanced in the war, and every time he lowered it Amalek and his army advanced. So Moses kept the staff raised, but when he grew tired, Aaron and Hur held his arms up for him and Joshua defeated Amalek. After the war was over, "Moses built an altar and named it, “The Lord Is My Banner." He said, “Indeed, my hand is lifted up toward the Lord’s throne. The Lord will be at war with Amalek from generation to generation.” If you picture Amalek as the flesh, how much stinking sense does this verse make? But- before you get down trodden, notice it says, "The LORD will be at war with Amalek," it doesn't say "Jenna Whosoever will be at war with Amalek." That's kind of a big deal! Also- Israel divided into 2 camps to fight and win this battle. They had men who went into the valley and fought, and men who went to the hill and prayed. This is what we are called to. When we find ourselves in the midst of the battle with our flesh, God doesn't tell us just to pray, He tells us to fight, that may look different in every situation, maybe it means turning off the TV when a certain show or commercial comes on, or maybe it means not hanging out with the people you used to, or maybe it means not talking to someone you know you will lose your temper with. But He also tells us to pray, we cannot win this battle, but God can, and as we know Him more (through prayer and studying His word) the easier it is to act and allow Him to intercede. But also- I think this is a great picture of the community we, as believers, should be part of too... Moses needed Aaron and Hur to lift his arms when he grew too tired to do it alone. WE THE CHURCH should be doing this for our brothers and sisters who are in the midst of battle. I am so grateful for the 2 or 3 amazing Godly women who have held my arms up this week... This was insanely relevant for me. This past week, after weeks and months of obeying the Lord in a difficult and heart-wrenching trial. After weeks and months of allowing the Lord to saturate this situation and work in me, graciously enabling me to keep the lid on my anger. Seemingly, out of nowhere this thing happens (yes, the ambiguous wording is intentional) that threatens to loose this lid that I have kept on by His strength. Out of the blue, without me searching it out and risking my footing on the solid ground that I have been provided with, this thing that appeals to my anger more than anything comes along and tries to draw me in. Jehovah Nissi, my Banner, provided me His strength and the support of His beautiful daughters, and kept me in His righteousness. All three of the women I trust the most in spiritual matters quickly came to the conclusion that this is an attack due to the fact that anger was a huge issue of mine in the long ago past (not long enough!) and that by the grace of God I had not, yet, slipped back into that. Satan was appealing to my flesh through the one way that always worked in the past. Seemingly out of nowhere, like Amalek, and it came fighting. But, praise be to the LORD my Banner, that He had been preparing me for this, I was already on guard and Amalek was defeated this time. I feel like this ties in so well with one of my most favorite passages that I have quoted so often on these blogs, 2 Peter 1:3-4, "His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. By these He has given us very great and precious promises, so that through them you may share in the divine nature, escaping the corruption that is in the world because of evil desires."
The covenant-keeping, relational LORD gives us so many ways to fight the flesh, and to fight the flesh when Satan is using it against us, which is just that much more biting. He gives us so many sweet promises and provisions. All we have to do is rest in Him, trust His record, have faith in His PROVEN characteristics and fight. He will fight for us, too, but most importantly, He HAS won this battle for us.
Remember that. Remember His record in your life and press on!!
In Him,
~Jennanana

PS... this is good music.

1 Down... 30 To Go...

God continues to blow my mind. Yesterday was such an incredible day, so perfect, and so evidently a gift from Him.
For those who don't know, one of my dad's only wishes was that his ashes be scattered in all the MLB fields. Since baseball was one of the things dad and I truly connected in and bonded over I have kind of taken charge of this request and yesterday was field #1 of 30 (technically, 31 since the Braves will be in Marietta next year). I had some of my closest friends with me, Jacob, Mel and Amber and went into the day with much apprehension, heaviness, and excitement.
We were so incredibly blessed by a friend who gave us tickets for KILLER seats and were able to sit so, so, sooooo much closer than we had planned.
I was so blessed by the presence of my friends who joined me. I feared I would be doing this alone, at times I thought it would be better that way, but I couldn't have been more wrong. This season of grief has been so oddly full of joy, largely because of these wonderful people who were with me for this and I'll forever be grateful for the time they set aside and spent supporting and loving me on this day.
1 down, 30 to go.







Praise God from Who all blessings flow!
~Jennanana

Psalm 18 Ramblings

From His temple He heard my voice
My cry came before Him, into His ear.

I was reminded of this song that speaks so deeply to my soul today. It is a song that reminds of the great care and great power of the Almighty King of the universe. Taken right from the pen of David, himself, and spoken and written again and again and again until it reached the eyes and ears of this broken soul. And here it rests on my heart, like dew sparkling on a hopeful, yet somber blade of grass.
It has been a wild ride, the last few months. So many emotions flood in as I continue to grieve the death of my dadio. Nothing feels quite right without being able to call him and shoot the breeze, talk about the Sox, or music, or get advice about social situations. It's been just about 3 months and it still feels so off. Everyone tells me this is normal and to expect it for quite a while, but in the same breath I'm bombarded with comments like "what's wrong?" "why aren't you acting like yourself?" and while I know the intentions are good, it whispers a message that this isn't what people expect, this isn't ok, that I ought to snap out of my funk and be myself again. It's a strange dichotomy. In other strange dichotomy's... fear and the Christian.
It's crazy how situations change and how all the sudden God's got His finger on this whole, huge problem you didn't even know existed in your own heart in the first place. I know it's been said that He corrects whom He loves so I should be grateful, right? And I am, but... man! Fear, ultimately, is a issue of trust and issues of trust are ultimately pride issues. So basically, I think I can do this whole thing a lot better than God... there's a scary revelation. It's not like I haven't tried and failed a hundred times at doing this better than God, and yet here I am at this realization once again. How gracious is the Almighty Creator, that He continues to woo me under His wings every time I've tried to grab the reins and crashed us in a fiery mess. Am I the only one who struggles with this? I know I'm not. And what am I afraid of? That in losing control to a God who cannot lie and promises to direct our paths in goodness and righteousness, I might somehow miss out on something? Hooooooooow does that make sense? Maybe it's that the God who somehow designed the starry sky I'm admiring from my porch as I type, might get it wrong? What is it, anyway? I want my it to be His it!
Oh, the contradictions of the fickle Jenna brain!

BUT!!!!!! The song continues....

He reached down from above
Took hold and drew me out of waters so deep
To wide open spaces
From darkness below
Where floods from the torrents had swallowed me whole
To wide open spaces He handed me out
And delivered me over to wide open spaces.

Truly, if we have claimed Christ as Savior, we belong to Him. Any "mess" we find ourselves in when we follow His lead He will deliver us from it. I also happen to know He delivers us out of messes that we create because we don't follow His lead.

Your Voice Resound(ing Still)

From inside I hear Your voice resounding

"Why?
All I do is serve you. All I do is love you.
And all you do is nothing, but ignore me.
Idle, you stand full of love, My love, but you are unmoved."

Since when has love done nothing to move a wounded heart?
When did pain and bitterness take grip so deeply?
How is it all we do is nothing and are somehow too busy for You?
Do You ever feel like giving up?
Like letting go of creation that continuously lets You down,
Spits in Your face, simultaneously crying out to You pleading for intercession,
When we are in strife.

Is this what You planned? Is this why You died?
Why Your Father turned His face from You,
As You poured out Your blood for man?

We don't deserve this love. I don't deserve this love.
But I open my heart to feel Your unveiling, unending, overpowering love.
I'll fail You, for sure, but I won't stop running back to Your arms,
Full of grace, able to redeem
And cleanse with blood spilled as ransom for my fleeting heart and wandering soul.

You love like no other.

2015- God Is the God of Our Yesterdays…

My "year in review" is a little late… but then I still haven't finished Christmas, yet so why stop there!

Man, 2015. A year of firsts. And I hope it to be merely my first year of firsts. This year has brought so much joy, turmoil, success, failure, gratitude, pain, heartache, and beauty. It is a year that will always be remembered and treasured as the beginning installment of a long-promised gift from the Lover of my soul. A year that celebrates the resurrection of self-strangled desires, the awakening of a part of me that was killed in betrayal. It was the beginning of a challenging, and confusing, yet truly, and undeservingly, rewarding journey into community. Yes- all this fancy talk about friendships… To those blessed enough to have always had community around them, who find it easy to make friends and let people in, you may not understand the significance and impact this has had on me. You may not be able to understand why it is such a big deal. But it is a big deal…

2015 was the first year I was an aunt! My sweet and beautiful niece was born on June 4, 2015 and instantly stole my heart.

You know how you always hear parents say how they loved their baby the first moment that they saw her? I always thought, "yeah, of course it's your baby.." but to experience it, even as an aunt, and to see that baby that you've loved for 9 months without seeing, it's a miracle moment. A moment when you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you will love this little human for the rest of her life.

I couldn't help but think of God's love for us and the amazing desire and capacity for love that He gave us to help showcase who He is. The day will forever be one of the most memorable days in my life and I praise God He has blessed me with such an amazing family to have spent it with and to spend this little love bug's life with.

2015 marked the first (of, hopefully, many) mission trip! I had the most amazing opportunity to partner with Calvary Chapel Chattanooga to go to LA to work with the Cru team out there. After obeying God and signing up for this trip, dragging my feet all the way, I experienced God move in ways I had not yet seen.

It seems that His plan of ministry was far bigger than a week in LA, loving on seemingly forgotten about high school students. I still don't know who was ministered to more, ok- that's a lie, I'm quite certain it was me. The students out there were so amazing to hang with, the thirst for substance, meaning and Truth was nearly tangible when talking to a few of the girls I conversed with. A large number of students (186- if my memory serves me correctly) that we spoke to either one on one, or through rallies, had indicated decisions to follow Christ and many more requested more info on Cru.

It was amazing to see the openness of the students and the schools. This trip also served as the catalyst of a huge change in my life. God was no longer allowing me to be complacent in my solitude. Every morning before we went to the school's to work with the students our team, along with the Cru team, spent time together in the Word, in prayer, and getting to know one another. And after seeing the way these amazing people loved on each other I was a complete mess, knowing my fear and my past hurts were keeping me from experiencing something that looked and seemed so foreign and yet so godly. I heard God say that it was ok to let me guard down a little here. And I don't think anyone who was there truly knew what that moment meant to me when I expressed how much of an outsider I felt and how I truly longed for that community I was witnessing in front of me. And grace poured out of that moment. I was truly moved and inspired and terrified at that moment, but God's goodness poured forth, as it always has and will always do.

From that moment I have been overwhelmed with incredible friendships. Friendships that not only build up the people in them but ones that glorify God. Even thinking of it now, I am speechless (good thing I'm typing har har har) at the type of people I call my close friends. People I can talk about God, and theology and church things with. Friends I can joke ridiculously with and still know we could switch to a conversation of great spiritual depths and take each other completely seriously. Friends who allow you to inconvenience them in times of need, and even more mind blowing- friends who are there helping even if you don't ask for help because you know you'll inconvenience them. Friends who help you move. Friends who let you cry on their shoulders night after night when your sister moves away. Who check in on you and your leaky apartment during a crazy rainy night.

Friends who listen to your Maine stories, e-n-d-l-e-s-s-l-y, and friends who can relate because they miss the northeast too.
Friends who are friends in word and deed who take action when needed. Who also tell you when you're being ridiculous about something or that there is a certain area in your life that needs some serious attention. I don't know how I have been so blessed. It's completely undeserved and I pray I'm half the friend to them that they are to me.

Mel, Jacob, Anna, Julia, Paul, and Abby- You guys have changed my life and I'm super excited to go into 2016 with such truly awe-inspiring people.

Other 2015 firsts- zip lining, TN camping, singles retreating (hahaha), corn hole, body piercing, COLLEGE DEGREE

, joined my first small group, taught first Bible lesson (not at the small group haha), timing belt death, uhh, I guess that's all I can think of. Overall, it's been an amazing year full of so many hard lessons and even more incredible blessings.

2016- 2nd year of firsts- You have big shoes to fill. You're off to a good start though with caving, that was SO MUCH FUN! Seriously psyched for what's to come!

With all that, I wish to leave you with an amazing piece from Oswald Chambers that spoke volumes to my heart:

Security from Yesterday. “…God requires an account of what is past” (Ecclesiastes 3:15). At the end of the year we turn with eagerness to all that God has for the future, and yet anxiety is apt to arise when we remember our yesterdays. Our present enjoyment of God’s grace tends to be lessened by the memory of yesterday’s sins and blunders. But God is the God of our yesterdays, and He allows the memory of them to turn the past into a ministry of spiritual growth for our future. God reminds us of the past to protect us from a very shallow security in the present.

Security for Tomorrow. “…the Lord will go before you….” This is a gracious revelation— that God will send His forces out where we have failed to do so. He will keep watch so that we will not be tripped up again by the same failures, as would undoubtedly happen if He were not our “rear guard.” And God’s hand reaches back to the past, settling all the claims against our conscience.

Security for Today. “You shall not go out with haste….” As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, forgetful delight, nor with the quickness of impulsive thoughtlessness. But let us go out with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays hold broken and irreversible things for us. It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.

Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him.


Bring it on, 2016. I'm ready!!
In Him who reigns!
~Jennanana

2 Years

2 years ago today, I left Maine for good and moved to Chattanooga. It has been 2 of the most challenging years of my life but God has been so faithful in His promise to sustain and satisfy me. At times He did this in great isolation, other times was through my amazing siblings whom He used to encourage me and remind me how important it was for me to be with my family. Lately, His undeserved blessing of friendships, multiple Christ-honoring friendships, have been another one of His tools to not only sustain and satisfy but also to shine light on little, and big, areas where I have allowed pain, and bitterness to stew for many, many years. Through these friendships I have learned so much about Christ and so much about myself. He is using these Godly men and women to refine me in ways I didn't know needed refinement, bringing to the surface SO MANY issues in my soul I never realized that I needed to deal with. Apparently, that's the thing about being close with godly people, they keep you accountable haha. I am often reminded how undeserving I am of these amazing men and women that God has graciously given me and at times it causes great panic. This isn't a "feel bad for me" statement, just merely the truth. I've heard many people tell me that I deserve friend like this but I whole heartedly disagree. Anyone who has been reading my blog for some time knows how i feel about the word deserve. We (every single human being) deserve nothing more than death and hell, certainly none of us deserve friendships, especially ones that mirror Christ. But deserve or not, it's an amazing gift of grace and one I have been cherishing for many months now. A gift that makes losing (geographically) my best friends and siblings, Scott and Shanon and my amazingly sweet little niece Ellie, back to Maine slightly less hard. A gift that helps me keep my instant flight compulsion at bay, even while knowing they will be back, living in the most beautiful state, frequenting my favorite places, and Ellie will grow up without her aunties close by.
God has proved His never-ending benevolence over the last 2 years, and more visibly to me in the last 8 months and I stand in complete awe. I'm so excited to see what He is going to do with this next year here in Chattanooga for me, my younger siblings, and my dear friends, and what He is going to do with Scott, Shan, and Ellie and my Mainers in Maine.
"Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord as long as I live." Psalm 23:6

~Jennanana

A Joyful Heart

I have had the incredible honor to witness 2 life events for 2 different sets of friends this weekend. Psalm 23 has filled my heart and mind this evening as I contemplate the beauty of life. "Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord as long as I live." (Psalm 23:6)
I think for some in my position of being a divorced woman it's easy to become bitter, cynical, and numb to things like weddings, the momentous buying of a house, having babies (if you are childless). I'll be the first to admit I was bitter for a little while but that turned into cynicism for many years, and while there are hints if that cynicism left, God has been at work reminding me that not only are these beautiful things, but they are biblical. The wedding I attended this evening was a beautiful representation of Christ's love for us, His bride, and it's a truly stunning thing. There is no room for cynicism here in this love that the Father has for us. My cup truly runs over with joy as I partake in the joy that these lovely friends of mine have experienced this weekend. New life, and a new family home. And somehow I am beyond blessed, beyond moved. I am ruined, in complete love and adoration of the God who gives His children the desires of their hearts when those desires are to glorify Him in all things. His love portrayed in the events of this weekend are breathtaking and I am lost in love again...
"And You surround me like a winter fog, You've come and burned me with a kiss. And my heart burns for You." ---David Crowder Band "Obsession"

~Jennanana

Graves' Disease Whining and Other Such Rumblings... I mean Ramblings...

Lately I've been feeling all the stinky Graves' Disease symptoms coming back. I've been on a conservative treatment in hopes to avoid having to destroy my working (over working, at the time) thyroid but I've now been on that treatment for too long so we are testing to see if I am in remission or not. The medication I was on corrected they hyperthyroid symptoms, but I had to go off that medication to test if I'm in remission. Over the last two weeks I've felt the symptoms worsening, and it's so disappointing. It wouldn't be so bad if I could just find out without actually having these awful symptoms again. They aren't so bad if you don't have to do anything but trying to work and be "normal" through them is difficult. Chronic, severe, neck aches, jitters, high resting heart rate, insomnia, loss of focus… Basically my dern thyroid is poisoning my whole body… In case you don't know your thyroid hormones play a part in nearly every function in your body. So the we ext after next I have to have some lab work done to answer the big question. If i'm not in remission, as both my doctor and I suspect, then I will have to have my throat cut and have my thyroid removed (groooooosssssss). I have been given the option of radioactive iodine therapy but have decided surgery is the way to go. But anyway, the point of this blog is not to whine about my present situation, because I've done that… a-stinking-lot!! And that's more of my point… I've struggled with this Graves' debacle for about 6 years now and have the hardest time with it. I tell everyone that I would take the diabetes over it any day (yes, I have type 1 diabetes too, don't be jeal of all my autoimmune diseases!) and I've definitely complained, cried and pleaded more over it than the betes too and why, you ask? It's the simple fact that I already had diabetes, a life long, time consuming, hands on, disease and I don't want another! Basically it's like this, "wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh why should I have to have TWO annoying diseases?? Some people don't even have ONE!" (you have to imagine it in a supper annoying whiney voice though, or else it loses it's gusto) So, over the past week, as I've felt the symptoms worsen and the date of decision looms in the coming days I've been trying to look at this differently and have been praying for perspective and for God to lead me out of the "why me" wuss-fest that i've been in for so long, and man, He is good t answering prayer… A friend of mine (I've made friends! Yay me!!! and… if they read that… i've probably just lost them) recommended a recent podcast from David Platt and I listened to it about a week ago. He spoke mostly about the tragic earthquake in Nepal but something he said really convicted me in my thought process. He said (paraphrasing, I left my notes at work) the question of "why did this happen?" is the wrong question. The question we should be asking is, "why hasn't this happened to me?" It plunged me back into some old philosophy and theology classes when we studied the problem of evil, we looked at moral and natural evil. Moral evil is easy to look at and say, "this is a result of the fall of Adam, and the sin seed within humanity." Natural destructions are harder, these are the things people struggle with, but their origin is found in the same place. God did not create the world to produce death, it was not His design. Natural disasters are a result of the fall and the curse upon the world. Romans 8:19-22 is an incredible reminder of this, "For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time." Even creation knows this isn't the way it's supposed be.
So, here I am whining like a child over a manageable, and sort of curable disease(with medication for the rest of my days) asking "why me?" when I already know that answer. Disease is considered a natural evil, and thus is caused by sin. PLEASE take this moment to realize I'm NOT saying that I sinned and thus was diagnosed with a chronic illness, it's much less complicated than that. I don't know why I have these diseases and others don't but what I do know is the question can no longer be "why me?" but rather "how can this be used to bring glory to Christ the King?" I guess, for some, the connection I just made may seem dumb but that's how this brain o mine works. So, my plan is to complain and question this a whole lot less and be grateful that I'm not getting what I deserve (a little bit of death, a lot a bit of hell). I think of the great missionaries of the past like Amy Carmichael, and Hudson Taylor and many, many, many I'm not mentioning, who faced disease and still carried on using every ounce of their human vessel to honor Christ. They are definitely an inspiration to handle this in a more Christ-like manner!
With that, I leave you with a tune… A beautiful tune… that doesn't really have much to do with this post, per say, but enjoy it anyway…


Peace out!
~Jennanana

PS, I had trouble focusing so sorry if i seem distra… SQUIRREL!!

Something Beautiful

I was listening to Something Beautiful by Jars of Clay this morning and there are a couple lines in that song that have been a constant prayer of mine, one in particular I’ve prayed over the last 8 years fervently, “Will You untie this loss of mine, that easily defines me, do you see it on my face that all I can think about is how long I’ve been waiting to feel You move me.”

I’ve spent many years allowing my loss define me. I’d say the first 3-6 years I really let it define me. The last 2-3 years or so it’s been gradually less and less. I feel as though I need to define the term “loss,” because I don’t really mean the loss of my ex-husband, even though in the beginning of this I did. It became incredibly apprerent early on that this was a gift, a provision of God that I have no doubt grieved Him much more than it grieved me, but He showed His great sovereignty and provision in not changing the heart of my ex-husband in his decision to divorce me. So I really define this loss as the loss of a marriage, not the loss of my ex. Marriage is such a beautiful thing that when the covenant is broken there should be grief in that. I'm not saying that one shouldn't ALSO grieve the loss of the other person too, I'm just saying I don't anymore. After the initial shock of the fact I was losing the person I had planned, and vowed to spend the rest of my life with, the realization that I was going to be a divorced woman crept in. For years I lived as if I were Hester Prynne, the wearer of the scarlet letter, but instead of wearing an "A" I wore a crimson "D". Maybe it sounds dumb to some of you, but I assure you, this is something every divorced woman struggles with, at least at first. Maybe I shouldn't say EVERY divorced woman, but every one that I have spoken with about this over the years. It's bad enough on its own but when you add Christian to the mix, it feels, sounds and looks even worse. Anyway, I let this sink into my heart for a while. I embraced the sad places this took me to, and I welcomed the segregation this, my new defining line, caused. No one understood me, no one could comprehend what I was going through. So I became a bit of a recluse for a while which I think was partly a good thing. I was able to spend a lot of time in the Word and in prayer, in communion with the One who was literally keeping me alive throughout all of the pain. I remember the first time after the divorce that I heard this Jars of Clay song. I was out on a run, singing along, when the line I had just song hit me. "Will You untie this loss of mine, that easily defines me." I cried the rest of the run back home and this was my prayer constantly for the last 8 years.
Fast forward… Today I listened to this song, as I mentioned, and I realized the beautiful place I am at. I no longer feel defined by my loss. I no longer feel as though I'm walking around with a red "D" on my forehead, looking down. What I do feel is strange to some, and seems strange to explain but I'm going to give it a shot. For those who actually know me you may be thinking, "but, she talks about her divorce ALL the time." Yes, this is true… in fact I had someone just the other day tell me that I really should be more secretive about my divorce or I will probably end up alone because it will scare off every guy that comes my way. I get where there may be some confusion with me saying it no longer defines me but then I continue to talk about it. Though I do not feel I wear the "D" on my forehead any longer, I do wear it as a mourning band. You see, my divorce broke me and took me to a place of absolute degradation where I literally could do nothing for myself, all I could do was cry out to God. It was in this low place where God whispered "Ahh, I can work with this." It was in my utter weakness, when I had to trust in God's provision that He was able to come in and take over. It was in this place where God turned the horror that is divorce, into something that could be used to glorify Him. The intimacy with Him that has been cultivated in my life is priceless, and I can honestly say I don't think I would have ever found that, had I not come to the end of myself and given up fully.
I need to be clear on a few things. This, in no way, is a blog that advocates for divorce. Nor is it one that will ever say God endorses divorce, or created my divorce. God is not ambiguous in His definition of marriage, or His feelings toward divorce. They go hand in hand. He created marriage to be a lifelong union, a joining of two. This was His design. When that union is broken He is grieved. It's the loss of a life. The two people must now figure out who they are again, while missing half of themselves. The beautiful thing that I have experienced is my missing half has been obliterated by the presence of the Almighty God. It makes me wonder where I was at spiritually before I got married and how was there room for my ex if God was filling me like He does now. Maybe I wasn't where I thought I was at pre-marriage, whatever the case, I love being so full with His love now. I love seeing Him use the tragedy that I thought would destroy me and turning it into something beautiful that helps others and glorifies His holy name! It's nothing short of miraculous. It's nothing short of answered prayers that were uttered, pleaded, and sobbed for years. In the midst of tragedy and sorry God is still good.

If you're some one going through a divorce and you somehow stumbled across this poorly penned outflow of my heart, please take this advice to give it all up to Christ. It is all so much more bearable when you don't have to bear it. He knows the feeling of abandonment and being tossed out like garbage. He knows about grief and loneliness. Romans 5:3-5 was my lifeline through the worst of days, "And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Hang on, if you run to Him I can promise it will get better.

"Will You untie this loss of mine that easily defines me. Do You see it on my face, that all I can think about is how long I've been waiting to feel You move me. So close my eyes and hold my heart. Cover me and make me something. Change this something normal, into something beautiful."

Peace,
~Jennanana

"Irreconcilable Differences" Is Not a Thing!

These are my thoughts after reading Matt Walsh's 2 recent blogs on marriage and divorce…
He is so spot on. I wish the Church today would condemn divorce as heavily as they have taken a stand against gay marriage. (I also wish the church would address all sexual sin as much as they address the sin in homosexuality, but that's not today's point)
In one of these blogs Matt shares a response from one of his twitter followers after making a statement like the one above. The response was from a Christian man who divorced his wife with the reason of "irreconcilable differences." For those of you blessed enough to now know, this is the "no fault" divorce. You can't get divorced without a reason, so if you don't have a Biblical one you are so graciously given the option to claim irreconcilable differences. This Christian dude who divorced his wife with this excuse exclaimed how much happier he is now, and how dare Matt Walsh speak against it.
This kills me. Being on the other end of "irreconcilable differences," it kills me for his wife, and for any spouse who's life is literally severed (think of the Biblical definition of marriage- divorce is a severing of one body) by the cop out that is "irreconcilable differences."
I'll be the first to admit marriage is hard! I was married for almost 2 years, I am not claiming to be an expert by any means but I know how hard marriage can be. Of course there are irreconcilable differences! Though you're joined as one in marriage, you still have two brains that will always have different thoughts and opinions on things. You will have differences that are irreconcilable, AND THIS IS NOT BAD. If this wasn't the case you'd be married to yourself. So what about the real things people get divorced over. My ex husband divorced me because he wanted to be a "normal 20 year old dude," without the responsibility of a wife and home and the like. The many people I have helped get through the tragedy of divorce, all divorced with the reason of "irreconcilable differences," have similar stories in that their spouse was leaving them for what they thought was "something better," aka selfishness. This is why I call "irreconcilable differences" a cop out, there's nothing irreconcilable about it. Marriage is hard because it calls for the constant giving up of one's self to another, it calls for constantly putting your spouse above you in everything, and marriage doesn't actually work if both people aren't doing this, trust me on that. In one of her SetApart Girl conferences Leslie Ludy was speaking about true purity and the need for more than just physical purity, but also emotional and spiritual purity. What she means by spiritual purity is that no matter what Christ remains central as each person's first love. She goes on to say that "the secret to marriage is for each person to keep Jesus Christ as their first love then they can say 'I'm happy in Christ, how can I serve my spouse?'" If you look to your spouse to be your constant fulfillment of joy and happiness you're going to be let down a lot. But if you live out of the fullness and overflowing joy found in Christ, you can fully serve your spouse out of that love and joy. There is no room for selfishness in marriage. Sometimes I think that's why in 1 Corinthians 7 Paul says it's good to stay unmarried. Selfishness is as common as hair, and it hardens the heart (selfishness, not hair… weird). In Matthew 19, when the Pharisees were trying to trip Jesus up with the question of divorce, they asked Jesus why, if divorce is so bad, Moses made a provision for it. Christ's answer sums up my marriage and divorce and all the ones I have ever heard of. Jesus answered, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of the hardness of your hearts. But it was not like that from the beginning" This indicates a progressive hardening of one's heart, which is a side effect of selfishness, among many other things.
So, I know divorce will never be eradicated. And I'm not even suggesting that it should be. The Old Testament's laws of divorce protected abused, and mistreated spouses, which wouldn't exist if hearts were not hardened. What I am suggesting is that we, Christians, take a look at ourselves, married, single, divorced, whatever and we truly examine ourselves. Are we living selflessly toward our brother/sister, whether they are our spouse or not. Have we allowed our hearts to be hardened in one way or another? I know I have.
To the courts I say we cease to grant these "no fault" divorces. All they do is encourage the further hardening of hearts and shirk of responsibility. Let's call it what it is, selfishness.
I know the problem of selfishness will never be eradicated this side of Zion, but the church, the Body of Christ can do better. Address the problem- you. Center yourself in Christ and invite Him to His rightful place as First Love in your heart and watch the outflow that follows.
And also, listen to this Thrice song… "O, we promise pretty things, and we pledge with diamond rings we profess undying love. But does that word hold any weight when we reserve the right to break any vow that draws our blood. Our word is so faint and feeble broken by the slightest breeze or breath. Our hearts are they're so deceitful, sick and filled with lies that lead to death. We are cowards and thieves will we never turn to grieve the damage done? Never see, never quake with rage at what we have become? What we have become? Yeah we get down on we knee. O, we play at chivalry, but we do not count the cost. We say "On Me you can depend" and "I will be there 'till the end" though we will not bear the cross. Our word is so faint and feeble broken by the slightest breeze or breath. Our hearts are they're so deceitful sick and filled with lies that lead to death. We are cowards and thieves will we never turn to grieve the damage done? Never see, never quake with rage at what we have become? What we have become.



In Him,
~Jennanana

Integrity, Consistency, Holiness, and the Christian Heavy Music Scene...

This week I saw a picture posted by a hard core Christian band. A friend of mine was a bit shocked and, i dare say, offended by it and asked my thoughts on it… Thus was born this blog that has been a long time stewing in my brain. I want to preface it by saying yes, I do listen to these bands still and yes, I'm sure I will be at another concert at some point in the future. I also want to warn that this may offend some who are into this type of music and/or "scene" but I would ask that you pray about why this was offensive of stinky to you and know my point was not to offend anyone…
The hard core/metal/alternative Christian music "industry" has gotten an increasingly bad rep in my book. Over the last few years I have spend countless hours listening to great, solid, awesome music with some great, solid, Biblical and theological themes that have spoken into my life. On the flip side- I've spent countless hours at shows of these same bands and have witnessed them singing these songs, but behaving completely contradictory of their message, and of the life Christ commands His followers to lead. I'm not expecting perfection from them, but I am expecting integrity. Furthermore, and this is what gets people ticked off at me, we concert goers who are Christians and proclaim the same Gospel, are doing what at these shows? Cursing, moshing, flailing about, hitting people, kicking people. Yeah, maybe by accident but it doesn't count as an accident after you do it once, then continue to repeat the same offense, all.night.lomg. This is something I have struggled with heavily because I love going to the shows, but after getting hit, felt up, hit, hit, hit, kicked, knocked down, I seriously can't justify it anymore. Not for me, and not for them. As cliche as people want to make it, I often think "what would Jesus do?" Honestly, does anyone think Jesus is ok with this type of violence? If so, maybe they need to revisit their Bible. Even more off is the gender issue... called me a sexist if you must but dudes are generally bigger, stronger, and have less cares in the mosh pit than chicks. Oh, and these dudes? Yeah- their the ones outraged by Ray Rice beating the snot out of his woman… their the ones agreeing that there's never an appropriate time to hit a woman… they're the Christians in the mosh pit who's out of control, flailing arm just hit a girl in the middle of her face, knocking her glasses of her head and throwing her back into the wall… Am I seriously the only person who sees something wrong with this? And what does the band do? They encourage the out of control-ness, and why? Because it looks better to them? So they know people "get it" and are into it? Where is Christ in this? I'm NOT condemning people for going to these shows, I'm not condemning the bands, I'm merely indicting the inconsistencies.
We are commanded to live a consistent life of integrity. 1 John 2:5b-6 says "This is how we know we are in Him: The one who says he remains in Him should walk just as He walked." These bands who go in the name of Christ, are ABSOLUTELY held to a higher standard because they have a pedestal with which they speak the name of Christ. People always want to say we put too high of standards on them but that is what comes with the territory. The minute they decided to be Christians in a band was the minute they became influential to a mass audience (regardless of size). Their Facebook pages, twitter accounts, instagram, whatever, is included in this. If there is a loss of integrity on Facebook, people are going to see it. Christians who may not be strong in the convictions of the Bible, are able to genuinely justify shady behavior because the older, "wiser," Christian did it. This is the problem I have with Emery, a band that I credit as music that got me through my divorce, a band who's music I really, REALLY enjoy. Their desire to be edgy to appeal to non-believers is a dangerous and slippery slope. They curse, just to curse, and talk about things that controversial (some I do think should be talked about but they take it much too far) for the sake of appeal? The Bible is CLEAR about this stuff. One of the many places is Ephesians 5 where Paul is talking about suitable behavior of the Christian. He tells us what to do and what not to do: "Therefore, be imitators of God, as dearly loved children. And walk in love, as the Messiah also loved us and gave Himself for us, a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God. But sexual immorality and any impurity or greed should not even be heard of among you, as is proper for saints. Coarse and foolish talking or crude joking are not suitable, but rather giving thanks."
There's NO place for this stuff in the life of a Christian… if you notice, Paul DOES NOT say that this behavior is NOT right for world, because this is how the world thinks and acts. Unfortunately it's easy and "natural" for us to be that way. And some dare say that Christians who strive to uphold this level of integrity are somehow ostracizing the unbelievers. Yes, it may be intimidating for them to come into a place where cursing and foul jokes are not welcome, but the point isn't to lower our standards, the very standards Christ has given us but to love our brother when he comes in and uses such language. That love we show is a glimpse of Christ's love and once that heart is full of Christ's love the desire to be rid of language/talk that doesn't please Christ naturally follows that love.
The same for the moshing. I understand the intent behind it may not be malice, but Christ died for me, can I really not give up a ridiculous "dance" in order to show His love, through me, to my brother or sister? And for the ones moshing to "get out their anger," aren't we called to lay that before the feet of our Savior, rather than pound it into an unsuspecting brother or sister in the faith who only wanted to watch her favorite band play without fear of being beat up? Some may argue that there is a time and place for it but i disagree. And it's hard for me, most who know me know that I've been attending as many shows as possible of these types of bands for the last 8+ years. I haven't been to a show since August and I believe this is the longest stretch I've endured, and it's sad, and I thought it was going to be super hard to abstain from these shows but in my obedience to the Lord He has filled my heart and life with other things to do that build Him up and don't tear anything down. ANd it's been good, real good.
Again I'm not judging, I'm not condemning, I'm merely asking my brothers and sisters to think and pray on these things. Bands- is your everyday life living up to the words you proclaim in your music? Yes, I get that people may be hearing the Gospel but Christ didn't tell us to merely share the Gospel. His COMMAND was to "Go and make disciples." Disciples of whom? Him, Christ. That means teaching what He taught, living what He lived, being imitators of Him so those you are discipling would see a clearer picture of Christ and may live like Him and further the discipling. How you do ministry matters! Even for Jesus it mattered.

Brant Hansen wrote an amazing blog about this (the first quote is someone arguing against his point that how you do ministry matters) : “Just look at the fruit, though! This ministry may have milked people for millions, but you can’t argue with the fruit!”
But the fruit of the Spirit is not mass-appeal, nor institutional footprint. It’s not multi-campuses. It’s not community awareness or revenue growth. If it is, Starbucks is a spiritual giant. The fruit of the Spirit is another list, entirely: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness, and self-control.

Bands- I get that your appeal is bringing in kids that may never go to church or other places that may present them with the Gospel, and I love that! But is your lack of integrity, diluting that Gospel? Are you portraying that in Christ we can truly be freed from the bonds of sin. Not just the consequence of sin, but the bonds of sin here, and now. That a new life, holy and pleasing the Christ CAN be lived here on earth through the power of the blood that rescued us ALSO from the condemnation of that sin? Or are you doing what Paul EXPLICITLY warns agains in Romans 6 when he said, "What should we say then? Should we continue in sin so that grace may multiply? Absolutely not! How can we who died to sin still live in it?" Do we talk foolishly and coarsely to make Christ appealing to those who don't yet know Him? Paul says no. What say you?

Whew! Don't be too harsh on me. Everything said here is out of love and concern.
Blessings,
~Jennanana

A Baby, A Feeding Trough

I am humbled today reflecting on a baby in a feeding trough. A feeding trough. The Great I AM bent down so low as to be born and placed, as His first resting place, in a feeding trough. I think about it often and it reduces me to a quivering mess. Who am I to have a comfortable bed to sleep in tonight when my King slept His first nights in a place where pigs saliva and horse snot were probably found. It's mind-blowing and heart wrenching and I can't help but be in absolute and complete awe. The fact that God reduces Himself to our lowliness, the fact that God made covenants with people who can't even keep their word to each other, much less to the Creator of the universe, completely blows my mind. God is not accountable to us, and yet He gives us His sweet promise. He gives us His sweet Son through whom we have eternal life and reconciliation with our Father. Because of His willingness to be made so low we have so much, we have everything. As we, who call ourselves Christians, go on to celebrate our sweet Savior's birth, remember His call to become like Him and remember His willingness to become as low as possible in His birth and in His death. May our hearts remain open and willing to be humbled and made low so that we may share the love the Christ awakens in our hearts.
In Him
~Jennanana


"Look, He's covered in dirt, and the blood of His mother has mixed with the earth, and she's just a child who's throbbing in pain from the terror of birth by the light of a cave.
Now they've laid that small Baby where creatures come eat like a meal for the swine who have no clue that He is still holding together the world that they see, they don't know just how low, but He has to go lower still.

Look, now He's kneeling, He's washing their feet!
Though they're all filthy fisherman, traitors, and thieves.
Now He's pouring his heart out and they're falling asleep, but He has to go lower still.

There is greater love to show! Hands to the plow! Further down now! Blood must flow!

All these steps are personal! All His shame is ransom!

Oh do you see? Do you see just how low He has come? Do you see it now?
No one takes from Him. You can't take what he freely gives away...

Beat in His face; tear the skin off His back. Lower still. Lower still.
Strip off His clothes; make Him crawl through the streets. Lower still. Lower still.
Hang Him like meat on a criminal's tree. Lower still! Lower still!
Bury His corpse in the earth like a seed, like a seed, like a seed. Lower still!
Lower still, Lower still, Lower still, Lower still.

The earth explodes, she cannot hold Him. And all therein is placed beneath Him.
And death itself no longer reigns, it cannot keep the ones He gave Himself to save.
And as the universe shatters, the darkness dissolves, He alone will be honored, we will bathe in His splendor as...

...All Heads Bow Lower Still! All Heads Bow Lower Still!"

The Great Gift of The Word That We Can Actually Read...

We're studying the Crusades in my Church History class right now, a couple weeks ago I wrote an 8 page paper on the Papacy (ohh yeah, I got 137 our of 140 points… BOOM!) and what led to it's power over all Christendom. I keep thinking over, and over again how incredibly blessed I am to have not been raised Catholic. My mom was raised Catholic, her mom, her parents, and so on. BEing in Tennessee I don't think people here understand how prevalent Catholicism was in the 80' and 90's and still is in the Northeast, though according to the American Religious Identification Survey done in 2008, it has declined in numbers since 1990. My sweet and tough Memere (mom's mom) is who I credit for encouraging my pursuance of not merely Christianity, but of knowing God. She had her share of episodes of straying from the path (all prior to my birth) after leaving the Catholic church. In a recent conversation with my mom I learned of some of the wacky things my grandmother had spoken about God, but in the end she found Him and knew Him. She had her share of trials throughout her life and yet when I would spend time with her she exuded a peace and an assurance of all things because of her knowledge and relationship with Him. I'm sure I don't know all the pieces of her life, and it's probably better that way, but for me she was a shining example of Christ inhabitance in a broken life. I pray that I can be that shining example to someone someday. And dang! I miss her (FYI- I know I talk about her like she has passed on, she, unfortunately has dementia and alzheimer's disease). Anyway, the point of this blog, which i haven't really gotten to yet, was to say how incredibly grateful I am to have the Bible at my fingertips. I like to think that if the people of the days of the Crusades had the Word of God at their own fingertips, not twisted and mangled by a power-thirsty pope, that the outcome would have been different. The promise of indulgences upon participation in the Crusades would have been a joke! I'm so grateful that I never had to wonder if a man could forgive my sins, I'm glad I was never taught that, I would have been so confused and I'm certain I would have always been wondering "am I REALLY forgiven? Did I do my hail Mary's or Our Father's correctly?" My mom wasn't the perfect mom, seriously, our family had and has issues, but I can't portray my gratitude enough that this was not something we had to struggle with. Having the Bible to refer to for everything is such an amazing gift! I just listened to an amazing sermon from Eric Ludy called "The Koine Jesus." IT was borne from a question he was asked by a disgruntled man, "If Jesus was a Jew why is He referred to as Jesus, rather than His Jewish name Yeshua?" It seemed like a good question, but Ludy answered it in such a way that my heart rejoiced once again at the miraculous gift of the Bible, especially the New Testament in this specific case. His answer was another question; "Well, do you believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God, God-breathed, given to the human writers to pen for the generations to come?" the dude answered yes. And Ludy went on to say that the New Testament was written in Koine Greek, not Hebrew. It was inspired by the Holy Spirit HIMSELF to be revealed in the common language of the time; Koine Greek. "This was the design by the Spirit - which is why Jesus was called Jesus (greek) and not Yeshua (Hebrew)". It's another key to understanding the message of Christ was for all men, all nations, and not just the Jews. Back in Christ's time only Jews could read Hebrew, unless you converted to Judaism then you were taught how to read it, but it wasn't an easy conversion (ouch)… "It [Hebrew] was a chosen language. A language that only the people of Israel knew And therefore, the Word of God was kept from the nations of the Earth who lived ignorantly of its mystery, its profundity, and its awesome promises, truths, and revelations." The penning of the NT in the common language of Koine Greek was scandalous and amazing! During the first wave of the apostolic missions trips the Gentiles were becoming Christians by the hordes, it only follows that Christ would ordain the Holy books be penned in the common language for the generations after. Furthermore it follows Christ's pattern of "the second"… "The first one (Old Testament, Cain, Ishmael, Esau, Manasseh, Saul, Mount Sinai, Old Covenant, Flesh, Adam) cannot please God, it doesn't mean its words are wrong, it is the perfect revelation of God's righteousness. However, it can't save you. It is words that lead you to a Savior. Its the second one that offers life!"
It's such an amazing gift and I seriously cannot imagine life without it, which probably means I should get busy "writing Your word on my heart"(Psalm 119:11 paraphrased)
During this time of thanksgiving and celebrating the birth of our amazing Savior remember to celebrate the giving of His birth record and ministry to us in words we can read!!
Blessings,
~Jennanana

Letting Go…

… still? It seems odd to me that something seems odd and not odd to me. I have this struggle that, if i close my eyes I can actually picture in tangible ways. It looks something like this…



One train is the truth, and one train is the lie. This week, after unpacking most of my boxes (I just moved, if you haven't heard) I realized I couldn't find a box that held my silverware set. After searching and asking the people who helped me pack and move I concluded that one drawer in my old apartment didn't get emptied. I called over there to see if someone would go look but I was informed that the apartment had already been cleaned and everything left was trashed. My initial reaction was that my heart sunk because that silverware set was a gift I received 9 years ago… at my bridal shower. My reaction took me off guard because I'm not really interested in keeping things because they have history in my failed marriage. So I've really begun trying to figure out why I had such reaction. On top of this silverware issue, word has spread to me that my ex-husband and his new wife are expecting a child. Again, I experienced the knee-jerk reaction of absolute despair. Despair that lasted a total of 30 seconds before I was sweetly reminded by God's graciousness that I don't actually feel despair, but rather, indifference, which to me is an awesome thing. But my initial reactions to these things still bothered me and seemed worth looking in to. What I've discovered is embodied in that train crash. Truth vs lies. Christian worldview vs the culture of the world today. I don't watch a ton of movies or tv but in the amount that I do watch I see the type of scenario play out where a married couple gets a divorce and the chick finds out at some point that the dude is getting re-married or having a baby, or better yet, both, and effects this chick in crazy ways. Then the rest of the movie or show highlight her frantic journey to "get her life together," usually portrayed as finding a new man and/or having a baby. When hearing about the ex's marriage (years ago) and even now with news of a baby my initial thoughts were: 1. of jealousy because he "got" to move on and has his life all together. And 2. of anxiety because I don't have my life together by today's standards. The thing I want to point out is that tv, movies, and culture don't focus on the important thing here, the actual divorce. The severing of oneness. so, the trains represent the truth, it's ok to be broken and morn the offense against God and against us and the opposing view that i'm 28 years old and need to get my life in order with a man, and a child.
So that sounded pretty feministic, right? I'm DEFINITELY NOT saying "women don't NEED men and children to be successful or have it together," well, I guess I AM saying that but not in the same way. What I mean is that it's ok to be broken, even 7 and a half years later. Marriage is a supernatural thing, it's amazing, and it's severance should not be taken lightly. In the years since my divorce I've been in one relationship, which is one relationship too many. I don't mean to say I don't think I'll ever be in another, but that time, these last 7.5 years, have been meant for mourning, healing, and being romanced by the everlasting God who never ceases to amaze me in revealing new areas where I struggle with hang-ups.

I feel like I bounced all over the place with this to get my point across but I feel the need to reiterate, I'm not still "hung-up" on my ex, but rather I still mourn the offense of the divorce even if it was not something I wanted or initiated or supported. This is not a blog looking for sympathetic responses, it's a small glimpse into my crazy brain in hopes that it speaks to someone who may be going through or has just gone through the tragedy of divorce.
Remember where your strength comes from and abide in Him,
~Jennanana

PS- I have no idea if anyone actually reads this but in the off chance this finds its way to someone experiencing divorce in their life I strongly support and suggest trying to find a DivorceCare group to join. It was so helpful for me in the first couple of years and I'm even thinking about going through the program again (i skipped out on the dating and remarriage sessions, soooo wasn't ready to even think or talk about that stuff). The website is in the name above and you can search for a group near you.

The Hurts of Helping...

I have a heavy heart today. The kind that physically feels wrong, and emotionally just hurts. A dear, sweet friend of mine had to make a decision yesterday and decided to begin the process of divorcing her husband. Since I am only friends with her I know only one side of the situation and so I cannot, nor do i care to, comment on the right or wrong aspect of this decision, all I know is she is in pain and it breaks my heart. From what I do know her situation is quite similar to mine, even though my ex-husband was the one to file and divorce me. Having been through this tragedy and coming out on the other end alive I have been trying desperately to be of some use and comfort to her in this but it seems after coming up with so many great things to say to myself in the past 7 years I can find nothing to say to her that seems comforting or helpful. I feel my emotions start to crash in as I remember the pain and the constant, never-ending thinking I dealt with at that stage of the divorce. The thoughts of "if I do this, maybe he will change his mind before the court date," or "maybe if I were prettier, or skinny, maybe he'll remember he loves me." At the time I was going through this I was 20, and of course no one in my circle of friends had gone through anything like it so I thought all these things were unique to me in this situation. In talking with my friend she told me she is going through the same thing, asking the same questions, not sleeping because she can't stop thinking and I realized my thought process throughout the divorce was not unique. I keep trying to remember what I wanted and needed to hear when I was going through this, and what was more painful than helpful.
As I try to fill my brain with the right things to say I find myself remembering things I don't really want to remember and while that sucks it's really hopeful to me that I've actually forgotten these things! I remember thinking, "I will never get through this pain, I'll never forget how much more this thing or that thing hurts while I'm already hurting." and yet I did forget, and I'm quite glad. But still the heaviness of heart is present, but I think I would be concerned if it were not. Divorce is no small matter. Yeah, it may be common in the world today but what horrible thing isn't? A couple years ago I was going through a really awesome systematic theology class and I had to get this killer 1200+ page textbook called the "Evangelical Dictionary of Theology (my second fav textbook so far) and I don't remember what part we were studying at the time but there was a section on divorce and it went into the etymology of the word for divorce used in the Old Testament; "The word "divorce" in the phrase "bill of divorcement" is related to the word for hewing down trees, even cutting off heads. It indicates the severing of what was once a living union. Divorce, then, is a kind of amputation. It cannot happen without damage to the partners concerned." It's a huge deal and I wish I could somehow stop the clock and rearrange the pieces in her life and hit go again so she doesn't have to go through this. I remember the first time I met this friend, for some reason she and I just hit it off so well that my entire life story just came flooding out and she remarked at how strong I was to be able to go through something so awful and still be cheerful and hopeful I remember her saying how she didn't have the strength to ever make it through something like that, and yet here we are. I have no doubt in my mind God brought us together for such a time as this but I still wish I could take it on instead of her having to deal with it. Part of me wants to lie to her and tell her "yeah, it sucks, but you'll get over it quickly." Honestly, I still deal with the remnants of the consequences of amputation. It's a much less frequent thing now, 7 years s/p divorce but there's still things that creep up in me that I didn't even recognize as an issue before that must be dealt with.

If you are reading this please pray for her. Please pray she runs straight to the arms of Jesus and do nothing more. Please pray that I can encourage her to do exactly that since I know, first hand, the He is truly, TRULY the only way she will get through this intact. Please pray for me that I can completely empty myself and allow the Lord to fill and work through me in this, speaking only that which will edify Him and and draw her into His comforting and loving presence. Also please pray that Christ continue His healing work in my life, revealing the wounds I have not allowed Him to touch with His healing Spirit and the places I have restricted His access.

Wooo, talk about rambling. I can't keep a single thought on track!
Blessings,
~Jennanana

PS:
My advice: DON'T GET DIVORCED!

For 27 Years Now…

I've got 1 hour 12 minutes before the annual changing of my blog's name…

Reflecting on my 27th year amongst the living I have realized that this year has brought about A LOT of change for me. Well, 2 changes really, but they were big ones! New job and new home, both many, many miles away from where home had always been. The Lord has used this year to draw me unto Himself more deeply, and intimately and it has been nothing short of spectacular. I've really found that once I allowed Him to overtake every bit of me, past, future, and present His path is revealed more and more and where He leads He will provide a way if you recklessly abandon yourself and follow Him. My move to Tennessee was right in the midst of a worse then normal financially unstable time. All sensibility said "things are rough enough here, how much worse are things going to be if you uproot yourself and move 1000 miles away?" When the Lord made it clear to me that I was heading to TN in May last year, I had made a VERY tentative goal of moving in the beginning of October, IF I got the job with Unum. And just like that, I left home at 8pm on October 3rd 2013. It hasn't been a bed of roses though, not that I expected it to, I just don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm saying following Christ = no pain, no trials. I've struggled greatly in relating to culture here in the South. It's perplexing and I don't understand what's going on half the time, and don't even get me started on the driving, ugh! Regardless, I have seen the Lord's hand working in every aspect of my life. I have made some amazing friends… YES! I HAVE MADE FRIENDS! That alone should be the proof for the skeptics! Haha. I have made killer music contacts, not to mention gone to a kazillion shows since day 4 of being here. And Calvary Chapel Ooltewah, my dearly cherished church, has been such an amazing blessing, not that I didn't already know it was going to be. The family I have in my church is so beautiful, the fact that I have such an amazing privilege to serve under Christ Jesus with these brothers and sisters is beyond what I could have imagined.
I've been so blessed by the opportunity to get to know my sisters again on a much deeper level than what was happening when I was in Maine and it fills me with so much joy. We may, or may not have had a few arguments and/or disagreements in the last 9 months, but we just get into fist fights and then make up… or something like that ;-).
I am definitely missing home though. Especially now that it's beach season. It seems so weird, and absolutely wrong, to have a birthday without the beach, and with my momma! The last time I didn't see dearest mumzy on my birthday was 11 years ago when I was in Phoenix on my way to CA with my Memere. So, call me a momma's girl if you must, we know it's the truth, but I really miss her. In fact I miss a lot of people back home. I try not to think about it too often though, it kind of sucks. It will be so wonderful to see everyone again in a couple months.

So, 27 years over and done with. I can't help but think I should think "I should be here, with so-and-so, doing such-and-such" you know, someone with a career, a family, a border collie. But I honestly don't think that. I am so excited with how God has been using my life in the last year, if I had those things I never could have done 3/4 of the things I have done this year. Maybe some of my contentment can be attributed to the awful divorce all this years ago, maybe that helped put things into perspective for me so that at 27 I'm not freaked out about not having a career, or ever getting married, or never having a border collie… Ok, that one freaks me out a little ;-) Basically, all I know is it's been a pretty amazing, and very adventurous year and I am SOOOOO looking forward to #28!
My prayer for year 28 (I use the word "my" very loosely… since My Epic wrote it…)

I wanna be a new man
and set aside my old skin
cause as hard as i've been trying
I can stop wounding Yours

I wanna be a slave and
surrender all my dreams then
forget I ever had them
and live inside of Yours

I want to be forgotten
and be fully eclipsed in
just the gospel and it's sweetness
that and nothing more

I wanna be a dead man
just a body You can live in
I wanna be Your prized possession
that and nothing more
---My Epic "Selah"



Blessings,
~Jennanana